Saturday, December 11, 2010

I don't care that I care

I have this poster of a band
I never saw and never heard
I cut out all the information
And put it on display

They may have been good
Or probably bad
But the picture is pretty anyway

There's no excuse for growing up
And losing touch, like we all do
It's a condition no one fights
We just go on to what's new

I had this cat I found
I never loved and never named
She died after three days
And I buried her in the tiniest grave

I didn't feel the sting
I meant nothing to her
And she meant me

There's no excuse for growing upAnd losing touch, like we all do
It's a condition no one fights
We just go on to what's new

I'm spending too much time alone
Save me from my empty home

There was this girl once
She pretended to love me
I pretended right back
And it didn't last

I was one of many
And when it was over
I looked back
And it all seemed kind of funny

There's no excuse for growing up
And losing touch, like we all do
It's a condition no one fights
We just go on to what's new

I'm spending too much time alone
Save me from the metronome

Thursday, December 2, 2010


Monsters under the bed
Speak, breathe
In the darkness
They seethe

Feed them all the children
Chomp, gnash
With claws
They lash

Escape them if you can
Run, hide
Across the distance
They ride

Monsters lie in wait
Sneak, creep
Into dreams
They seep

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Rain, rain don't go away


It's finally raining
Like the night that we met
All I can do is listen to Brand New
And think of the old times with you

I've been waiting so long
To feel that chill on my skin
As the sky lets loose on me
But I forgot how to let it in

I just need to feel clean again
As the water flows over my veins
Where they carry messages to my brain
And I'll never feel uncertain

And I'm certain
The messages were all the same
This dirty body wants to meet yours
Exactly as it did before
When everything felt so pure

The rain just sounds so different tonight
It's not the same as the first time
No it's heavy, instead of light

I've been waiting so long
To feel that chill on my skin
As the sky lets loose on me
But I forgot how to let it in

I just need to feel clean again
As the water flows over my veins
Where they carry messages to my brain
And I'll never feel uncertain

And I'm certain
That everything will turn out fine
Keep feeding that same old line
That everything will turn out fine

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

"I'm celibate"; "Oh, so you're a tease?"

I've made a decision today, a decision that has made me profoundly happier and seems to be the change that I felt coming. I have decided to be celibate.

I mean I have been for a while now anyhow, but without making the conscious decision to remain so. I always figured that I may give in if the occasion called for it, but in the meantime I didn't care if I didn't have sex. However, it was all an excuse, an excuse to avoid making a decision and taking charge of my own life. I always do this, I go with the flow which can be quite rewarding and exciting, but it also takes away some of your power. I'm taking my power back and this is the first step.

I am not going to engage in physical activities for a while. I haven't decided on a period of time or anything, I think I'll know when I'm ready. I was letting the flow take me and prevent me from moving forward. I was complacent to remain in my pseudo-relationship and allow that to keep me from experiencing other things. I won't do that anymore and I won't just jump into the same situation, because it just won't be an option. If people don't want to be my friend and leave the bullshit behind, well then that's too bad for them.

I need to focus on moving forward and doing something productive with myself. If I don't have the distraction of sex and guys, well I'll focus that much more. I know this won't be easy, but anything worth fighting for is never easy. So, I'm prepared to hear how much of a "tease" I am from now on, because I'm not changing anything else. I will still dress how I damn well please and flirt if I want to; I plan on being the same insane person, who finds sexual innuendo in every sentence, I have always been, so I'm sure some people will have a problem with it. Oh well, life isn't fair, suck it!

On a related note, that stupid guy doesn't understand that I don't like him anymore. I guess I'll just have to tell him I'm celibate now and hope that keeps him away. He inspires me to keep this song on repeat:

Laughing Boy

PS. I totally forgot to do Thankful Thursday and Top 10 Tuesday. Shit, well the first week of October, I'll pick it back up since it's too late.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

I want to be someone else or I'll explode

So tonight, I'm listening to Radiohead, which is my gateway drug to Modest Mouse, etc. You may think, "So what?" But, if you knew me, you would be worried. I'm a little worried.

It's not the bands' fault, they're just a sign. When I listen to them, it means that something is going on, a profound change in me. I will wake up as someone new. And that is a wonderful, beautiful, terrifying thing. Change is bittersweet and I am terrible with feelings simply because I feel too much. It's gonna be a long night.

I guess, it all comes down to being afraid. Afraid of facing myself and really looking at the mess I am. I've made a lot of progress and yet I'm still miles from where I want to be mentally, physically, and the whopper of all, emotionally.

I feel lonely and I dream of finding the person that will fill that gap and make me whole. But in reality I'm that person. I am the only person that can make me happy, but why can't I let myself do it? See? This is what I mean, I know the problems, I just don't understand how to fix them. The other thing is, I feel alone, yet there is no one I can think of being with, no one that inspires me to reach out of my isolation. I've always been a hermit, this is me. I never make that first contact with my friends, they call me and sometimes, I don't even respond. Why am I so happy to be left alone, yet left with some yearning for contact with the outside world?

I should just build my shack in the woods and accept it, I am a recluse destined to raise many cats.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

Laughing Boy

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Mark said

Mark said he loves me
And I believed him
I said I love you too
Guess I deceived him

Mark is a nice guy
Oh yea, he's great
My problem is you're,
The one I love to hate

I walked home this morning
Found Mark in bed
He looked so peaceful
But I pictured you in instead

Oh no...

Mark is a nice guy
Oh yea, he's great
I thought I loved him
But it wasn't fate

And now I dream of you
Can't get you off my mind
Too bad you don't know
That you're just my kind

I wonder,
If you knew,
Is it possible,
You could love me too?

Mark said he loves me
And I believed him
I said I love you too
Guess I deceived him...

Pop/Ambient Surf song now? In my head, it sounds like Best Coast or The Like. I don't know, none of the stuff that pops in my head lately sounds like a poem, it all sounds like songs. Maybe it's a sign that I need to start a band. But I got to have an all girl ensemble with some badass chicks...too bad I play no instrument at all :/


Laughing Boy

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

"I think I can"

I don't want to be your pillow
Something you lay upon at night
I have to feel some emotion
Something to make it worth a fight

You're just a boy
Pretending to be my man
And I'm a woman
Who needs more than "I think I can"

I don't want to be your pillow
Something you lay upon at night
I want a new adventure
Full of love, and full of light

Oh yea, it feels good in your arms
You make it feel like you care
But I know you better than that baby
So let's play this game fair

You're just a boy
Pretending to be my man
And I'm a woman
Who needs more than "I think I can"

I feel like I'm writing country music songs all the sudden. I still fucking love it.
laughing boy says smile :]

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Life Lessons

Okay George, five reasons why men are scum and women let us get away with it.
1. We all only want one thing. No exceptions.
2. We fall in love before we have that thing, and then fall back out once we've had it, whereas women conversly fall in love afterwards.
3. We will lie, cheat, steal or murder to get that one thing. Why am I sugarcoating this? You're a big girl. In order to fuck you.
4. We freely admit the numbers 1 through 3 and women don't care,
and the number 5 reason why men are scum and women let us get away with it: You can't live without us.

-Ray, Dead Like Me

Lucky for me, I was ahead of the curve and already knew this.

The Laugh-with-me boy.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

You aren't real.

I think I wanted to love you
Because my poor heart forgot how to feel
It was like trying to lift a fog
But the sunshine wasn't real

So just hold me for a moment
Pretend that you care
I need some little touch
To remember that you're there

It's hard to know
Where we'll end up next
It feels like were going in circles
But our paths never connect

Let you go, let you go
I'm trying to untie the rope
Just ease your grip
There's no more hope

I loved a thought
But it left an empty space
And the void is harder to erase

I can't seem to get rid of you. Go away.

Warmth and happiness,

Laughing Boy

Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Top 10 Tuesday!

Is it Tuesday already? How time does fly when you're having too much fun. Well, its the first installment of Top 10 Tuesdays, so let's get started!

So, the 10 things I love this week are:

10. Dreaming/Dreamers.

09. Leaping into the rabbit hole.

08. Best Coast. (Band)

07. Cupcakes.

06. The Like. (Band)

05. Death Note. (Anime)

04. Philosophizing.

03. Photographic evidence.

02. Making costumes.

01. Inception! (!!!)

It's in no particular order except for #1. I mean, have you seen it?! Inception just blew my mind wide open to the point where I spent the entire next day thinking about life. I actually sought out philosophical conversations to help ease the noise in my mind. It just gave me so much to think about that I was reeling with ideas and general craziness. Luckily, I know enough people with sanity issues that I found someone to get the thoughts flowing and ease my poor over worked brain.

Who hasn't seen it? Go now.

Anyway, I need a nap.

Au revoir,
Laughing Boy :]

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Thankful Thursday!

Today is the first Thankful Thursday and I'm excited to get started :D
I do have a recap of the past couple of weeks to give to you as well, but I'll save that for another day.

So, why am I starting TT? Well...there are many reasons, but I suppose it all begins with the movie UP. I'm sure everyone has seen the movie by now, but can you believe that I just finished watching it, not thirty minutes ago? Really, I just watched it.

All I can say is that, I wish it hadn't taken me so long and that it was, to put it in few words, beautiful. It was the kind of movie that makes you stop and remember how special and wonderful a day with someone you love can be, no matter what you're doing. I think Russell put it best, "I know it sounds boring, but it's the boring things I remember most."

That one statement alone, made me want to start TT, because we often forget to appreciate the boring stuff that makes life worth living. I'm especially guilty of this given my flair for the dramatic and tendency to get myself into the craziest situations. So, although I have many misadventures to document, I also have little moments to capture before they slip away.

I am so thankful. I am so thankful. I am so thankful.

Thank you life for bringing me here where I have a huge dysfunctional, one-of-a-kind family to love and friends who are there for me no matter what shenanigans I get into and a cat who is so like my child that I could never question her love.

Thank you for everything, even this mess of summer that has helped me learn about myself and is slowly helping me grow up a bit. And thank goodness that I still have time to grow up because I know I'm taking my time about it.

I'm so filled with love and gratitude right now that I could make kittens and ponies stop to say how cute I am. Yep.

I love you ever so much!

<3 Laughing Boy

Thursday, July 15, 2010


I want to feel you,
But I'm afraid to.
You're all I want
And all I can't have

When did I wake,
And when did I fall asleep?
Am I still dreaming,
Will you tell me when it's over?

The moon is here
The sun is out
You were standing on a hill
So I ran up

But everytime I get there you disappear
Everytime I get there you disappear
You disappear
And I never seem to get there

When did I wake,
And when did I fall asleep?
Am I still dreaming,
Will you tell me when it's over?

I'm barely posting this on the 22nd, despite writing it on the 15th. It didn't seem complete and now I can't bear to change it. Hopefully it makes sense as is and I'm also hoping I'll be able to start writing again soon. I feel like that's been missing from my life for quite a while now. Anyway, this is also very true of how I've been feeling lately and it's not about any particular person. Luckily, things are looking a little better.

Tons of love to you,
<3 Laughing Boy

Saturday, July 10, 2010

It sucks to be under 21

That's what the song says, but I don't agree. I have been 21 for about 52 minutes and I'm over it. I've already started drinking, so turning 21 makes no difference. Basically I'm another year older and that much more jaded.

I try to not let life get me down, but there is only so much you can take. It doesn't help that this has been one of the most bizarre summers of life, that has included many discoveries, mistakes, and changes. I guess I'm complaining about growing up, and I just plain don't wanna.

Ok, I'm putting on the big girl panties now, hopefully my birthday will be fun enough to distract me from the misery that is my existence (I'm kidding of course, nothing can distract from my misery!):D

Happy Birthday to me!


Laughing Boy

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Hello sir,

It's funny...funny how emotions change and what we thought we wanted becomes irrelevant. For the longest time, I thought I wanted a relationship and I thought you were who I wanted to be with. It seemed so easy and it made sense at the time. You were never jealous or overbearing and you let me have my own life while still being there for me. These are all the things I always imagined I needed in a boyfriend because I tend to run when I get too comfortable with someone. I don't like to be vulnerable, and I didn't have to give that up.

It's so hard to get all these thoughts organized, I have so much to say and I never seem to know how to say it. I'm terrible with words. I suppose, I could just let myself cry and have everything pour out of me raw and unedited, but then I would have to cry in front of you. I can't seem to do that either.

I liked you once. I really cared about you and wanted you to be mine. The problem is I didn't know how to express this without feeling like I would ruin what we had. I liked things simple and uncomplicated by discussions about emotion. Plus, I didn't want to be the girl who falls for you, when I knew I shouldn't, when you warned me not to. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop it forever and when I realized what happened I had to stuff those feelings away.

I didn't want to feel anything for you. It was supposed to be fun and simple, no entanglement and no regret. So, I told myself to stop liking you and get over it. The problem with that is that now I feel nothing for you. Well, not completely nothing, I guess you sort of irritate me now. Your input in my conversations feels like intrusion and I wish you would go away. I'm hoping it's just a phase, because although I want to scratch you out of my life, you're still an important part of it. I will always remember you and I don't want my memories tainted because of my own issues.

It's sort of like I'm breaking up with you. We never exactly were a couple, but we did blur those lines and now it's time to set those lines in stone. I'm sorry if this is confusing for you, because I would really like to remain friends. I think you're a really great person, but I know now that you're not the person for me.

Oh, and I met someone who actually gives a flying fuck about me.

Your friend,

Laughing Boy

PS. Fuck you asshole, and thanks for wasting 9 months of my life.

PPS. We're still cool right? I know, I know...I hate me too.

PPPS. Lyrics from I Know It's Over by The Smiths

I know it's over
and it never really began
but in my heart it was so real

They fit so perfectly for me right now.

Monday, July 5, 2010

Lack of communication

I want to write everything out. I want to describe all the terrible things I've done and the wonderful things I was able to feel and let you know exactly what is going on in my head. I just don't know how. I don't know how to face the truth and putting it in words seems to painful. Committing it to "paper" would make it more tangible and real, and that much more terrible. It's like when you have a bad dream and you try not to think about it so it'll go away. I want a lot of things to go away right now, but I suppose that isn't going to happen.

These should explain a few things and help me remember:

That covers a lot of it. It's confusing and a mess and there is a lot I don't quite understand myself. I wish I had control of me, I think it would make things a lot easier. Also, I like a new boy and I'm getting rid of one. That part confuses me just as much as any of the other stuff.

That stupid guy I've been so into for month and months has finally used up all my patience. I'm over it. I won't wait around for him to give a shit and I won't put up with it just because it's nice to have a guy around. DONE.

I've quickly found someone who is so different and I like it. He holds be around the waist while I wash the dishes from the dinner he just cooked. And he sways to oldies while hugging me. And he thinks I'm beautiful....I could go on, but I might over gush and make myself sick. I like someone and I think I actually like this feeling this time, because it doesn't feel like every other stupid crush. I probably always make this claim, who knows. But right now, it feels true.

I just have to hold on to that feeling. I can't run away from happy all the time, because I know I'll try. I just have to try something that's slightly against my nature.

I love you more than I love me right now, and I mean it.

Laughing Boy

Friday, June 18, 2010

Band of Horses

I probably picked the best/worst time to discover you Band of Horses. I knew you existed and that I would like your music, but I never gave you time.

And today, when I hit some terrible rocky bottom of a low I hadn't met before, you were there. You were just sitting there, wrapped up in the most beautifully fragile paper-thin perfection.

You opened me up and scooped out all the things I had discovered in myself that I couldn't live with anymore. We put them aside together and I decided to change. I'm changing and I'm keeping you with me forever now. You're the patch for my broken soul. When I shattered today, you put me back together.

I love you. It's silly, because you're still so new to me, but I know it's true. When I look back at this period of my life, you'll be the soundtrack, you'll be the anchor for my memories.

You fixed me when I had reached another point in my life that seemed hopeless. I just pray to God that I can make it, and I'm sure you'll help, but it's all on me now. It's all on me.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,

Laughing Boy

Thursday, April 29, 2010

It's the little things...

It's strange just how much the little things matter sometimes. Something tiny and insignificant can change everything. Seeing a word can make you angry. A single name can make you want to run away.

It may be over reaction. It may be that you're being a bit sensitive. It could even be that you're creating drama out of absolutely nothing.

And yet, it's still there. That minute, trivial thing just clawing at you. Asking, begging, pleading for your attention. It wants you. It wants everything you've got. That thing can own you and it knows.

What becomes important now is how you handle it. Do you give in? Are you going to allow something so seemingly insignificant to derail you? Of course not, you're stronger than that, you would never...

A part of me is so glad to be escaping to Mexico and it's because of some minuscule detail I happened to notice. Because ghosts do exist and they love to haunt you when you're just trying to live.

I have to live.

-Laughing Boy

PS. I abhor Facebook, but I can't escape it.

Friday, April 16, 2010

Fight or flight?

What to do? What to do?

I leave for Mexico in 2 weeks and 2 days. I haven't spoken to the stupid boy I like in over week. I'm avoiding it at all cost at the moment actually.

I've been pretty busy actually, so I have an excuse, and I assume he has been as well since he hasn't made any attempts to talk, and he always does. It's bad, but I never initiate conversation because, well, why should I? If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me and I'll be here.

I do not seek. I am sought, dammit.

The point is, I don't really want to see him because:

1. I was advised by my best friend to discuss our "relationship" and I know she's right, but I don't wanna.
2. I realized I was beginning to have real feelings for him.
3. I immediately began squashing all feelings for him.

So, at this point, I really couldn't give a giant flying star-shaped crap about talking to him. Is that bad? It probably is, but what can you do? I suppose I could be mature and deal with the issue and stuff. However, I prefer my immature and less painful methods. I'll just not care about him and continue on as I am, if he doesn't like it, then oh well.

I mean, if he decides he give a crap, then maybe I'll try it out and see how I feel about it....

Ugh, see this is why I hate relationships and boys and feelings! All of the sudden, I have nothing to talk about besides a stupid idiot guy and my feelings! I think it's completely lame, so I'm done.

Anyways, I'm doing great, how are you? I actually have been feeling good. I've started drawing again and today I restarted my Pilates after a week without it. I feel sore and amazing! I'm really happy with my drawing too. I'm so gosh darn excited about it, I probably posted a picture of one above. Do you like it? Who cares, because I love it! I was so into drawing the other night that I completely went without sleep and just drew all night, then passed out around 10am covered in pencil and clutching a sketch book. I bet I looked adorable.

I'm also freaking out that I have only two weeks left before I'm being shipped off to Mexico with my grandma. It's going to be strange because I haven't been there in 10 years or so. Also, my Spanish is weak and I hardly remember my relatives out there. I predict many awkward visits and relying on my grandma for survival. Luckily, she's awesome and I'm sure I'll have a great time. I'm also sure my Spanish will improve and being somewhere so different will be good for me. I need a good shock to the system. I'll have to start packing soon...crap.

Well, I think I might go draw some more and possibly get some sleep.

I love you. For real.

Laughing Boy

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Let's just say...

Let's just say...

I want to live off the grid in a cabin in the woods, eat wild berries and granola, have a pet owl, grow a garden to live off of, and change my name to Starshine. Would you come with me?

I love you,

Laughing Boy

Sunday, April 4, 2010

One day, Madness

One day, I will go mad
I'll wear my favorite books

And eat the pages I don't like

The words will have lost meaning
But my stomach will speak
The lines that created me

One day, I will lose my mind
People will whisper around me
And I will pretend I cannot hear
Voices will speak to me

Unaccompanied by mouth or conscience
And I will be the greatest listener

One day, I will forget all I know

When the world leaves me
All will cease to matter
I'll call myself bread and forget to sleep

Survival will become instinct
And I'll become a feral creature once again

Friday, April 2, 2010

Your sword hit me in the truth

Let's make some destruction
Just try to keep control
Take your finger off the button
It can't keep you whole

The world is headed for disaster
And you're still strapped in
It's going faster and faster
There's no cure for our sins

"Eight of Swords

You are too independent and others feel they cannot get close to you. People feel they bring nothing to your life and do not understand why you would want them around. Too focused on one's own goals. Feeling of freedom, but also have not formed ties. You come across as though no one could ever fool you. A little full of yourself."

Shit, am I really that bad? I always get stuff like this and I can never tell how true it is because I'm too chicken to get someone else's opinion in fear that it might be confirmed.

Interestingly enough I pulled this tarot yesterday, on a day that I was avoiding seeing my guy friend. He was texting all day with me and wanted to hang out, so I talked him out of it because I was feeling smothered. It's pretty awful considering I haven't even seen him in two weeks. I just can't handle it and I'm getting stir crazy.

It's not that I don't care though, because I really do. The problem is I probably care too much, so I get irritated with myself and the whole situation which allows me to pull back a little. When I give myself enough time to think and postpone the feelings part, I end up wanting to stop the whole thing and get the hell out of there.

Ugh, I frustrate myself. I guess we'll see whether either one of us really gives a shit when I'm gone for a month. Will he still text constantly when he can't get in my pants? That is the question.

Stop being a cynic dammit! It's bad for you...but I can't help it.
Let's go do something fun and forget our troubles? OK!

You're lovely by the way :]

Saturday, March 6, 2010

Do you have any scars on your body? If so, how'd you get them?

Dude, I am scar-city. I have gnarly ones with great stories. The one on my lip? Oh, I just electrocuted myself for fun once, ya know, kid stuff. The deformed smiley burn on my thigh? Just a gift from the boiling hot soup that landed in my lap during lunch in 3rd grade. Interestingly enough, I really effing love my scars though. I think they give me tons of character :]

Ask me something awesome :]

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Debbie Downer makes Owlettes

Untitled, Unfinished
There's nothing left in this world
Nothing to take, or give
The skies are gone, the ground gave way
Not even oxygen to live

Yet, here you remain
With your memories of sun
And thoughts of those you loved
But what to do with these,
when the world's come undone?

Recall the warmth of life
Leaves that changed with season
The chill that a breeze sent up your spine
Stars that acted as your beacon

I'm having trouble finishing things lately. I have a lot of unfinished poems, projects, meals...

I feel like part of me is slowly falling back into a depression. I've been getting the urge to cry a lot more lately for no particular reason and I've been letting my mind wander to particularly dark thoughts. I even had a panic attack a few weeks ago. I can't remember when, but it was one of the worst I've ever had.

I'm fighting it with all I have though. I'm working out as often as I can manage, which is almost daily. Sometimes I get too lazy and talk myself out of it, but there is still part of me always fighting for it because I know that it helps. The endorphins obviously help keep me from getting down.

The past few days have been tough though. I've been letting the darkness eat me up and prevent me from doing things to make it better. I just let myself fall into it for a while, but on the upside that time made me see some things differently. The perspective is good and bad at the same time, but overall it might help me.

On the brighter side, I've been making these little owls (pictured above, duh)--owlettes to be exact. They are the cutest things and I love making them. They're a good distraction and their adorableness is a good reminder to just smile sometimes. Smile dammit! It's good for you.

I hope they make you smile too.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Fighting a Losing Battle

I'm pretty sure I mentioned a challenge I would be facing. The whole, I-have-to-not-fall-in-love-with-my-friend-thing yea, well...

I'm not falling in love or anything, but I can't believe I'm letting myself like him so much. The dream from my last post really said a lot that seems to be ringing true. I haven't been close to anyone like this since my very first boyfriend who really messed me up relationship wise. I let him do a number on me when I was 16 and I am now just getting involved with this new guy.

I've dated of course in the past four years, but I have never once considered anyone worth a repeat visit until now. I just couldn't imagine going through bonding with someone so intimately if they might just go an rip my heart up when they were done with me. I know, it's ridiculously dramatic, but when your first love (whom you've known since you were six and is your closest friend in the world) ends up with your best friend and then impregnates her and you're only 16 and can barely cope with your already screwed up head, it tends to skew your views a bit.

This guy has gone and changed the rules on me. It's just not right. I've gone and started liking him and we get closer every time I see him. It doesn't help that I felt instantly comfortable with him since the first time I met him and have some weird trust in him that I cannot for the life of me explain. I don't trust guys too easily, but I just have this feeling that he would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. Anyway, we also have amazing chemistry and I can't keep my hands off him.

Everything fits and he's a great catch. I'm doomed to like this guy A LOT and I'm just going with the flow to see where this ends up. I might -gulp- end up with a boyfriend; which if you hadn't guessed by now, would be waaaay out of character for me.

That is all for now...I'll come back soon and hopefully I'll finally have some new poetry or something. My creativity burnt out on me and I haven't pushed it to start up again yet.

"I love you with sparks and shining dragons, I do"

Friday, January 22, 2010

A progress report

I see dreams as a progress report of sorts, especially when I remember them as clearly as the dream I had last night. What a dream to remember...considering it was telling me so much and was actually accurate. So, let's begin at the end and work our way back (which is the way I remember dreams).

The highlights:
-Ex-boyfriend in a suit arguing that I was making a mistake
-A formal party in a gorgeous house
-Hanging out with a group of guys (who I've never seen before anywhere), getting ready
-Sitting in a guy's room, he's flirting with me
-Climbing up a hill/stone wall with the guy spotting me
-Taking a walk in a neighborhood that looks like it faces the Rose Bowl with this guy.

Ok, so here's the story as I remember it from the beginning:
I'm walking down a curvy street with nice big houses on a warm summer day. I'm with a guy who I shall refer to as Steve, because I don't remember his name at all. The street reminds me of Arroyo when you're walking by the Rose Bowl with the right side dropping down after the edge of the road. Steve and I get to the house we were heading to, that has a sloping lawn set up in terraces near the road. I decide to climb the walls rather than walk to the front of the house and the walls get higher than they appear. The four foot wall becomes at least eight feet and I climb it anyway. Once I get over the top of the wall, I stop to wait for Steve who is climbing after me and I slip back over the edge. I catch the edge of the wall with one hand and pull myself up at the same time as Steve.

I make sure I have good footing this time and start to walk up the trail that is created by the first terrace. We walk for a while talking about my spectacular save on the wall, then we reach the house. I don't remember walking through, just ending up in Steve's room. There was copious amounts of flirting and then some of his friends arrived. They seemed surprised to find me there and the flirting lessened with their arrival. We hung out for a while and they began to talk about the party that was planned for later. The guys left to set up and get ready and I got ready in Steve's room.

I walk out into the party alone, feeling self-conscious. It's formal and the house looks like a picture from Architectural Digest, complete with modern floating staircase and glass windows that go from floor to ceiling. I walk around looking for the guys and wander up the stairs to the landing to look down on the party. Standing there doing exactly the same thing is my ex-boyfriend. He looks amazing in his suit and walks right over to me. He tells me how good I look and asks how I am. I answer his questions, but don't inquire about him because I honestly don't give a shit. He asks how I ended up at the party and I tell him about Steve and how I've been seeing him for a while. The conversation changes quickly as he tells me I shouldn't date anyone else but him. He's angry and wants me back, it's completely ridiculous. I walk away telling him that it's too late, and run into Steve right as I wake up.

The analysis:
(I only use the highlights because I figure, if it stands out, it must mean something.)
-Walking: Walking with ease means slow, steady progress toward my goals; moving through life in a confident manner.
-Climbing: It signifies that I am trying to or have overcome a great struggle. My goals are finally in reach.
-A room: The room represents a particular aspect of myself or a particular relationship. The room being comfortable means that I am satisfied in my life.
-Flirting: It represents my need for intimacy and affection. It also may mean that I'll be entering into a serious commitment/relationship in the near future.
-Male strangers: Strangers are dream helpers who offer some insight or advice. The fact that the strangers are men means that they represent the male side of myself (assertive, rational, aggressive, and/or competitive). I wish I remembered more about these guys now that I know this.
-A party: Haha, It actually means I need to get out more.
-Ex-boyfriend in a suit: I've come to terms and completed the healing process. This is a big deal since he was my first "love" and and most awful first heartbreak.
-Ex-boyfriend arguing: My unconscious is telling me not to repeat the same mistakes I made with him.

WOW. I recommend looking up what your dreams mean, it can be quite interesting, to say the least.


Monday, January 11, 2010

A month later...

It's a month since my grand re-opening and I still feel pretty damn good. I had a great holiday season with my family-words I never thought I would utter. It's funny how life can work out when it seems the odds are stacked against you.

I faced my family's pettiness with maturity they didn't realize I possessed and I won. I FUCKING WON! I got to put the "adults" in their place and teach them a lesson about love and what it means to truly be a family. For the first time in my life, I talked back with a vengeance. I can't believe it took me so long to do, but I did it and I feel amazing.

To top it all off, they actually heard me and have made changes that I could feel at Christmas. I was actually glad to be with my family and I enjoyed the entire day. I even got to drink in front of the adults without getting looks, I felt so rebellious. I had the warm fuzzies all day and I probably could have cried if anyone had mentioned anything remotely emotional because I was so happy.

Ahhhhh, the holidays. Of course, I'm probably remembering it with a bit more fondness than it requires, but I don't mind if my imagination takes it liberties here. It deserves to with the way most of our family gathering have been since my parents adopted kids. It's been like one long awkward silence for four years and we're finally breaking the ice, so I'm not complaining about anything right now.

I also spent New Years with my family this year by choice. Of course, there is a balance in life that must be kept, so as soon as my family life improved, something had to happen with my friends. It's not a big deal, but my best friend has a new boyfriend, so I've been distant with her. It's not them, it's me. I'm just not ready to share her and the one time I was with both of them I was sickened by their PDA. I'm not a PDA type of person and new couples are always gross in my book.

Anyway, they were planning on spending the New Year at Disneyland, which would usually jump at the chance to do. I'm just not a people person, and the thought of all the tourists jammed into the already packed theme park was just a turn off. Not to mention, I wasn't in the mood to watch them make out a midnight while I stand there awkwardly. If I can avoid an awkward situation, I will, so I've been avoiding her majorly. It's no one's fault, but I just can't seem to get her alone to talk about it.

New Year's Eve with the family was interesting. Drunk uncles remind me why I hate alcohol and to never let myself be that stupid because of a substance I put in my body. I choose things which will not destroy my body and will not make me behave like an asshole. I use things which make me a better/nicer person actually, unfortunately I was out of my choice substance so I had to endure these people killing my buzz. Either way though, it was a decent NYE and I felt better about it because my grandma didn't have to spend it alone or just with her obnoxious sons. (I love them, but give them a drink and they're obnoxious.)

So, I think you're caught up. Wait, my closest friend, who I see as a sister visited for her break from school and my sleepover at her house pretty much made my life complete. This is why I love her. Nothing is impossible if you have a friend who loves you enough to help you sort out your life, and of course I do the same for her. She helped me see that this guy I like, might just be something special if I give him a chance. It's an odd feeling to let go a little and see what happens, I'm so used to having control over my heart.

Give a little love and see what happens, it's good for you. I swear.