Fight or flight?

What to do? What to do?

I leave for Mexico in 2 weeks and 2 days. I haven't spoken to the stupid boy I like in over week. I'm avoiding it at all cost at the moment actually.

I've been pretty busy actually, so I have an excuse, and I assume he has been as well since he hasn't made any attempts to talk, and he always does. It's bad, but I never initiate conversation because, well, why should I? If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me and I'll be here.

I do not seek. I am sought, dammit.

The point is, I don't really want to see him because:

1. I was advised by my best friend to discuss our "relationship" and I know she's right, but I don't wanna.
2. I realized I was beginning to have real feelings for him.
3. I immediately began squashing all feelings for him.

So, at this point, I really couldn't give a giant flying star-shaped crap about talking to him. Is that bad? It probably is, but what can you do? I suppose I could be mature and deal with the issue and stuff. However, I prefer my immature and less painful methods. I'll just not care about him and continue on as I am, if he doesn't like it, then oh well.

I mean, if he decides he give a crap, then maybe I'll try it out and see how I feel about it....

Ugh, see this is why I hate relationships and boys and feelings! All of the sudden, I have nothing to talk about besides a stupid idiot guy and my feelings! I think it's completely lame, so I'm done.

Anyways, I'm doing great, how are you? I actually have been feeling good. I've started drawing again and today I restarted my Pilates after a week without it. I feel sore and amazing! I'm really happy with my drawing too. I'm so gosh darn excited about it, I probably posted a picture of one above. Do you like it? Who cares, because I love it! I was so into drawing the other night that I completely went without sleep and just drew all night, then passed out around 10am covered in pencil and clutching a sketch book. I bet I looked adorable.

I'm also freaking out that I have only two weeks left before I'm being shipped off to Mexico with my grandma. It's going to be strange because I haven't been there in 10 years or so. Also, my Spanish is weak and I hardly remember my relatives out there. I predict many awkward visits and relying on my grandma for survival. Luckily, she's awesome and I'm sure I'll have a great time. I'm also sure my Spanish will improve and being somewhere so different will be good for me. I need a good shock to the system. I'll have to start packing soon...crap.

Well, I think I might go draw some more and possibly get some sleep.

I love you. For real.
<3

Laughing Boy

Let's just say...

Let's just say...

I want to live off the grid in a cabin in the woods, eat wild berries and granola, have a pet owl, grow a garden to live off of, and change my name to Starshine. Would you come with me?

I love you,

Laughing Boy

One day, Madness

One day, I will go mad
I'll wear my favorite books
And eat the pages I don't like
The words will have lost meaning
But my stomach will speak
The lines that created me

One day, I will lose my mind
People will whisper around me
And I will pretend I cannot hear
Voices will speak to me
Unaccompanied by mouth or conscience
And I will be the greatest listener

One day, I will forget all I know
When the world leaves me
All will cease to matter
I'll call myself bread and forget to sleep
Survival will become instinct
And I'll become a feral creature once again

Your sword hit me in the truth

Untitled
Let's make some destruction
Just try to keep control
Take your finger off the button
It can't keep you whole

The world is headed for disaster
And you're still strapped in
It's going faster and faster
There's no cure for our sins

"Eight of Swords
You are too independent and others feel they cannot get close to you. People feel they bring nothing to your life and do not understand why you would want them around. Too focused on one's own goals. Feeling of freedom, but also have not formed ties. You come across as though no one could ever fool you. A little full of yourself."

Shit, am I really that bad? I always get stuff like this and I can never tell how true it is because I'm too chicken to get someone else's opinion in fear that it might be confirmed.

Interestingly enough I pulled this tarot yesterday, on a day that I was avoiding seeing my guy friend. He was texting all day with me and wanted to hang out, so I talked him out of it because I was feeling smothered. It's pretty awful considering I haven't even seen him in two weeks. I just can't handle it and I'm getting stir crazy.

It's not that I don't care though, because I really do. The problem is I probably care too much, so I get irritated with myself and the whole situation which allows me to pull back a little. When I give myself enough time to think and postpone the feelings part, I end up wanting to stop the whole thing and get the hell out of there.

Ugh, I frustrate myself. I guess we'll see whether either one of us really gives a shit when I'm gone for a month. Will he still text constantly when he can't get in my pants? That is the question.

Stop being a cynic dammit! It's bad for you...but I can't help it.
Let's go do something fun and forget our troubles? OK!

You're lovely by the way :]

Fighting a Losing Battle

I'm pretty sure I mentioned a challenge I would be facing. The whole, I-have-to-not-fall-in-love-with-my-friend-thing yea, well...

I'm not falling in love or anything, but I can't believe I'm letting myself like him so much. The dream from my last post really said a lot that seems to be ringing true. I haven't been close to anyone like this since my very first boyfriend who really messed me up relationship wise. I let him do a number on me when I was 16 and I am now just getting involved with this new guy.

I've dated of course in the past four years, but I have never once considered anyone worth a repeat visit until now. I just couldn't imagine going through bonding with someone so intimately if they might just go an rip my heart up when they were done with me. I know, it's ridiculously dramatic, but when your first love (whom you've known since you were six and is your closest friend in the world) ends up with your best friend and then impregnates her and you're only 16 and can barely cope with your already screwed up head, it tends to skew your views a bit.

This guy has gone and changed the rules on me. It's just not right. I've gone and started liking him and we get closer every time I see him. It doesn't help that I felt instantly comfortable with him since the first time I met him and have some weird trust in him that I cannot for the life of me explain. I don't trust guys too easily, but I just have this feeling that he would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. Anyway, we also have amazing chemistry and I can't keep my hands off him.

Everything fits and he's a great catch. I'm doomed to like this guy A LOT and I'm just going with the flow to see where this ends up. I might -gulp- end up with a boyfriend; which if you hadn't guessed by now, would be waaaay out of character for me.

That is all for now...I'll come back soon and hopefully I'll finally have some new poetry or something. My creativity burnt out on me and I haven't pushed it to start up again yet.

"I love you with sparks and shining dragons, I do"
<3

Sin palabras...

Sin palabras
No se como empesar
solo se que quiero hablar.
Nunca sucede de este manera
Siempre tengo que batallar

Pero ahora....
Ahora ni tengo palabras.

For those of you who do not speak Spanish, here's a crappy non-rhyming translation:

Without words
I don't know how to begin
I just know that I want to speak
It never happens this way
I always have to put up a fight

But today...
Today I don't even have words.

That's pretty much it. It sounds better in Spanish. Sorry, I'm too lazy to translate it with prettier language, but at least my translation is correct. I hate incorrect translations when I'm watching movies in Spanish with subtitles. It's really annoying.

But what was my point? Ah yes...I'm speechless. The world manages to show another side of it's ugliness to me and I wish I could turn the other cheek. However, there's no escaping reality and there's no way to make it any better now. It's the kind of thing that when you find out how absolutely disgusting the truth is, you want to try to deny it and go back to the lies that were once so comfortable to accept.

I'm writing gibberish. I would explain it to you, but it's too personal and so depressing/infuriating that I had a lump in my throat (out of anger) when I heard. Basically, my family is a huge disappointment and there's one person in particular to blame for it all. I miss the simple days when I sat at the kid table for family get-togethers and didn't have to know family secrets.

Sigh.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

How I missed thee...let me count the ways.

Well, we can skip that. I've been busy for once, haha. I went to the Electric Daisy Carnival, I went hiking a few times, visited my friend in LA, went to Disneyland, and of course have been taking care of children. Caring for my little brother recently included a trip to the ER, when he developed a fever of 103.3 at 11PM, so of course we didn't get home until 4AM.

And might I say...emergency rooms are quite an interesting place to sit for five hours. I saw many strange characters and heard many disturbing stories. It was unreal, I would love to tell you the most outrageous story, but I feel that it would be an invasion of privacy for the poor family involved. It was something to witness though.

Here's something I wrote while I was there:

Your Music
I can hear your music
Buzzing, blazing, burning
When i listen with my heart
I can feel the twisting, turning

Ignore the audience
You focus on the beat
It's like I don't exist
The song is on repeat, repeat

I was thinking about oh so many things as I sat there waiting. I'm a very empathetic person. I can literally feel the emotions of a room if they are strong enough or if I make the effort. It was quite draining to be there and feel so much from the people there...just waiting. I don't even know how much of the poem is me and yet it is quite obviously about someone I know.

I never did do things the traditional way though. Why not enter an emotionally unstable environment and absorb the room's energy? Let's do it. I suppose I can't complain that I was bored though. Well, I'm done boring you, whoever you are that bothers to read this.

Have a great day, I'm off to care for a sickling and get some sleep.
=]

PS. Tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 20 and officially leave my teenage years behind. Sigh.

I'm pinned to the earth

Pinned to the earth
1:There's a fire in the sky
And I'm pinned to the earth
You keep coming by
With your heart in reverse

But I won't look
Because I've know hurt

2:You were blowing a cold wind
Staring up into the sky
And I kept coming by
Quoting every loving verse

It seemed you didn't care
And I was hurt

1: A chill caught up to me
Thrilling to my bones
I finally looked up to see
But you weren't alone

You were holding her hand
And it left me bruised

2: Like every dream I ever had
I had to wake up sometime
There was a fire in the sky
But we were on the ground

I had to go on
And let go of the pain

1: I was a step behind
And so, I missed the mark
My heart was blind
I was running from the spark

So you walked on
What did I learn?
And we both hurt


It's sort of like a duet, but I don't know...I think I lost my mojo. This one doesn't translate well. I guess you would have to hear it the way I imagine it, because it sounds stupid otherwise. I have so much to say, but I have to go to sleep before I collapse. Hopefully, I'll have time to write something more interesting soon. My world is just upside down.

A few forgotten lines

I'm the girl that pulls the shot for your coffee
And combs the tangles from your hair
I greet you with the sunrise every morning
Then, kiss you in the night air

I forgot about this one the other day...Now it will never have a real end. Ah well.

I hope you enjoy the picture above, I took it with my camera phone a week ago. The sky has been so interesting to watch lately, it's moody and never quite the same. I don't understand people who can't appreciate this weather, but to each his own. I'm going adventuring so I should have some more interesting tales soon.

"And those things do best please me, that do befall preposterously."
-Puck also known as Robin Goodfellow, A Midsummer Night's Dream

I do enjoy the mischief of that "merry wanderer of the night." c:

Get a life...

Yea, that's on my to do list.

I have a life that has been specially formulated to make me socially retarded and untroubled by spending all my time at home. If don't make an effort to, I never have to leave the house at all. I'm like that kid from Sixteen Candles and his parents have to force him to go to prom. It's that bad sometimes and it doesn't help that my world is so well-contained here.

I live with my family because I'm broke. I also somehow ended up being co-nanny for my one-year-old brother since I was just lying around and I just ended up helping. I don't have a real job because I would have no way of getting there unless it is really close to home. I go to school online because I don't have my license/a car. The license is my fault because I also seem to not like driving; this adds to my social awkwardness because apparently being a teenager who is legally allowed to drive should make me automatically love/want to drive. I just don't like it and I wish I did because it would just make life so much easier. Plus, I wouldn't have to let other people who drive like asses drive me around.

Since, I spend a lot of time online for school, I also end up spending a lot of time online to socialize. I have real friends of course, I'm not a weirdo in a basement getting food delivered and not going out into the sunlight. I have many real friends, but many of them don't live nearby and the ones that do have schedules that conflict with my time out of the cave. I don't know how many times my friends and I make plans to hang out before it actually happens. This leads me to spend way too much time talking to people online. I would feel bad for myself, but I have met some of the coolest people this way. One of my newest friends, I made on AIM and he is one of the coolest people I've talked to in a while. Luckily, I can also confirm he isn't just some creep.

I guess, I just need to snap myself out of it. What else is there to do?
I can't expect for my social awkwardness to magically disappear or to go out more without making some sort of effort. I just need the right kind of motivation. For example, I am not a club kind of person, which is one of the reasons I hardly go out, I mean what else do people my age do in LA? Most of the people I could be hanging out with are at this very moment at a club doing coke off some bathroom counter. No thanks, I'm good. Luckily, I have friends who know how to enjoy a good hike, go to the beach, or just hang out and listen to music. I just need more of them to have better schedules.

Of course, I don't mind staying home to read a book or watch a movie. I can do it all by myself and have no problem with it. I'm quite a solitary creature. A vida nunca é exatamente a maneira que você quer porque algo sempre parece melhor. Did I mention that I can use Babelfish? =]