Let's just say...

Let's just say...

I want to live off the grid in a cabin in the woods, eat wild berries and granola, have a pet owl, grow a garden to live off of, and change my name to Starshine. Would you come with me?

I love you,

Laughing Boy

One day, Madness

One day, I will go mad
I'll wear my favorite books
And eat the pages I don't like
The words will have lost meaning
But my stomach will speak
The lines that created me

One day, I will lose my mind
People will whisper around me
And I will pretend I cannot hear
Voices will speak to me
Unaccompanied by mouth or conscience
And I will be the greatest listener

One day, I will forget all I know
When the world leaves me
All will cease to matter
I'll call myself bread and forget to sleep
Survival will become instinct
And I'll become a feral creature once again

Your sword hit me in the truth

Untitled
Let's make some destruction
Just try to keep control
Take your finger off the button
It can't keep you whole

The world is headed for disaster
And you're still strapped in
It's going faster and faster
There's no cure for our sins

"Eight of Swords
You are too independent and others feel they cannot get close to you. People feel they bring nothing to your life and do not understand why you would want them around. Too focused on one's own goals. Feeling of freedom, but also have not formed ties. You come across as though no one could ever fool you. A little full of yourself."

Shit, am I really that bad? I always get stuff like this and I can never tell how true it is because I'm too chicken to get someone else's opinion in fear that it might be confirmed.

Interestingly enough I pulled this tarot yesterday, on a day that I was avoiding seeing my guy friend. He was texting all day with me and wanted to hang out, so I talked him out of it because I was feeling smothered. It's pretty awful considering I haven't even seen him in two weeks. I just can't handle it and I'm getting stir crazy.

It's not that I don't care though, because I really do. The problem is I probably care too much, so I get irritated with myself and the whole situation which allows me to pull back a little. When I give myself enough time to think and postpone the feelings part, I end up wanting to stop the whole thing and get the hell out of there.

Ugh, I frustrate myself. I guess we'll see whether either one of us really gives a shit when I'm gone for a month. Will he still text constantly when he can't get in my pants? That is the question.

Stop being a cynic dammit! It's bad for you...but I can't help it.
Let's go do something fun and forget our troubles? OK!

You're lovely by the way :]

Fighting a Losing Battle

I'm pretty sure I mentioned a challenge I would be facing. The whole, I-have-to-not-fall-in-love-with-my-friend-thing yea, well...

I'm not falling in love or anything, but I can't believe I'm letting myself like him so much. The dream from my last post really said a lot that seems to be ringing true. I haven't been close to anyone like this since my very first boyfriend who really messed me up relationship wise. I let him do a number on me when I was 16 and I am now just getting involved with this new guy.

I've dated of course in the past four years, but I have never once considered anyone worth a repeat visit until now. I just couldn't imagine going through bonding with someone so intimately if they might just go an rip my heart up when they were done with me. I know, it's ridiculously dramatic, but when your first love (whom you've known since you were six and is your closest friend in the world) ends up with your best friend and then impregnates her and you're only 16 and can barely cope with your already screwed up head, it tends to skew your views a bit.

This guy has gone and changed the rules on me. It's just not right. I've gone and started liking him and we get closer every time I see him. It doesn't help that I felt instantly comfortable with him since the first time I met him and have some weird trust in him that I cannot for the life of me explain. I don't trust guys too easily, but I just have this feeling that he would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. Anyway, we also have amazing chemistry and I can't keep my hands off him.

Everything fits and he's a great catch. I'm doomed to like this guy A LOT and I'm just going with the flow to see where this ends up. I might -gulp- end up with a boyfriend; which if you hadn't guessed by now, would be waaaay out of character for me.

That is all for now...I'll come back soon and hopefully I'll finally have some new poetry or something. My creativity burnt out on me and I haven't pushed it to start up again yet.

"I love you with sparks and shining dragons, I do"
<3

A month later...

It's a month since my grand re-opening and I still feel pretty damn good. I had a great holiday season with my family-words I never thought I would utter. It's funny how life can work out when it seems the odds are stacked against you.

I faced my family's pettiness with maturity they didn't realize I possessed and I won. I FUCKING WON! I got to put the "adults" in their place and teach them a lesson about love and what it means to truly be a family. For the first time in my life, I talked back with a vengeance. I can't believe it took me so long to do, but I did it and I feel amazing.

To top it all off, they actually heard me and have made changes that I could feel at Christmas. I was actually glad to be with my family and I enjoyed the entire day. I even got to drink in front of the adults without getting looks, I felt so rebellious. I had the warm fuzzies all day and I probably could have cried if anyone had mentioned anything remotely emotional because I was so happy.

Ahhhhh, the holidays. Of course, I'm probably remembering it with a bit more fondness than it requires, but I don't mind if my imagination takes it liberties here. It deserves to with the way most of our family gathering have been since my parents adopted kids. It's been like one long awkward silence for four years and we're finally breaking the ice, so I'm not complaining about anything right now.

I also spent New Years with my family this year by choice. Of course, there is a balance in life that must be kept, so as soon as my family life improved, something had to happen with my friends. It's not a big deal, but my best friend has a new boyfriend, so I've been distant with her. It's not them, it's me. I'm just not ready to share her and the one time I was with both of them I was sickened by their PDA. I'm not a PDA type of person and new couples are always gross in my book.

Anyway, they were planning on spending the New Year at Disneyland, which would usually jump at the chance to do. I'm just not a people person, and the thought of all the tourists jammed into the already packed theme park was just a turn off. Not to mention, I wasn't in the mood to watch them make out a midnight while I stand there awkwardly. If I can avoid an awkward situation, I will, so I've been avoiding her majorly. It's no one's fault, but I just can't seem to get her alone to talk about it.

New Year's Eve with the family was interesting. Drunk uncles remind me why I hate alcohol and to never let myself be that stupid because of a substance I put in my body. I choose things which will not destroy my body and will not make me behave like an asshole. I use things which make me a better/nicer person actually, unfortunately I was out of my choice substance so I had to endure these people killing my buzz. Either way though, it was a decent NYE and I felt better about it because my grandma didn't have to spend it alone or just with her obnoxious sons. (I love them, but give them a drink and they're obnoxious.)

So, I think you're caught up. Wait, my closest friend, who I see as a sister visited for her break from school and my sleepover at her house pretty much made my life complete. This is why I love her. Nothing is impossible if you have a friend who loves you enough to help you sort out your life, and of course I do the same for her. She helped me see that this guy I like, might just be something special if I give him a chance. It's an odd feeling to let go a little and see what happens, I'm so used to having control over my heart.

Give a little love and see what happens, it's good for you. I swear.

<3

I'm still alive, I think

I'm here...don't worry, don't all go asking at once how am...It's ok, I'm fine. Really.

I'm having a moment of drama and this too shall pass.

I've been doing a lot lately. I've met some new people and tried new things. Holy shit...I went on dates. It's hard to believe that I've been so active and just out there, considering all my time spent in my self-contained purgatory. I've been living life and now...when I'm on the brink of happiness, I have a meltdown.

I'm just not built to cope with happy. I don't know what to do with it. As soon as I experience happiness, I find some way to kick some harsh reality into and give it the proper dilution it requires for my sensitive palette. Happiness is too rich for me. Apathy sits better in my stomach, you wouldn't happen to have any, would you?

So...let's get to the point. I'm sort of dating these two guys. It's like I've entered some sort of bizarro land where people find my cold, distancing techniques charming. I really don't understand what is going on here, especially considering that they're both out of my league in different ways.

One of them is too gorgeous for words. I mean, he's just so handsome, but it's subtle. You could pass him on the street and think, "What a good looking man," but if you gave him a second look you'd realize that he is, quite frankly, a stunner. The other is absolutely adorable. He's out of my league for his sparkling personality. He's caring and sweet, which is rare enough in a 20 year-old guy, but even better, is that he is so genuine. I can't imagine him ever being anything but the perfect guy.

I may be wrong, but it sounds pretty great so far. What is there to complain about?

Oh wait...I factor in, don't I? Well, that where it gets complicated, because that's what I do best. No matter how hard I try, nothing is ever simple, and that's all I want.

So...I met them at exactly the same time and feel for them equally and they seem to be on the same page. However, I can't continue to move forward at this pace with both of them or I'll end up with two boyfriends and a headache.

I haven't been with anyone since high school, by choice and due to lack of opportunity. I never put myself out there before because I couldn't stand the idea that no one would care. I thought...what if I try to get a boyfriend/girlfriend and no one is interested? It's a horrifying thought and I'm a chicken, so I never tried. Instead I developed crushes on emotionally unavailable people to prove to myself that I wasn't completely asexual and just to move things along.

Oh and by been with anyone, I mean have a "relationship," which I believe doesn't truly exist when your sixteen. Essentially, I have never been in a relationship. Oh god...no wonder I'm a virgin. Yea...the 20 year-old virgin, it does exist.

Ah focus! What was I saying? Right...so the meltdown part. I went on a date with the sparkling personality guy last night...let's call him, Sparky because it's fun and reminds me of a cute little cocker spaniel. Yea, this is how we dehumanize and remain at arms-length, but moving on. Sparky and I went to see Paranormal Activity with his friends, oh shit, I met the best friend. Did I pass the test? Damn, on a second date I met the best friend, oh god he really likes me. I really am just realizing this now. Fuck.

My mind has been all scattered. Can you tell?

So we see the movie and I'm freezing my ass off in the theater. I wanted to cuddle him and I knew he would have, but at the same time I was afraid of getting too close. I didn't want my body language to say things I wasn't ready to say yet or that I may not want to say. I'm like every guy that has even broken a nice girl's heart, I'm keeping my options open...I could cry.

So, in doing this...I gave myself a mild case of hypothermia because I left shivering and when I got home my temperature had barely climbed back up to 93 degrees F and according to my research I must have been below 90 degrees in the theater, which is really NOT GOOD.

All I needed was that physical push, along with my exhaustion (I had only slept 4 hours) and I had created the the perfect conditions for a panic attack.

Yes, my friends. I have full blown panic disorder and depression. Hooray! I keep both under control though with the use of, ahem, herbal cigarettes. Yes, I know you know exactly what I mean. I usually smoke every other night before bed and this method worked all summer through to two weeks ago when I ran out. In the last 4 months or so, I've had maybe two panic attacks, when I was having two a month before. It works for me.

I thought nothing of it when I ran out, but it seems like since then, it's been building. The tension was just getting ready to cause a big one. It was the worst panic attack I've had since the one I had when I moved to San Francisco. It lasted over an hour and when I could finally leave my room I had to go find out if anybody had some trees for me. Luckily, I found some and it put me right to sleep.

I just wish I didn't have to depend on anything or anyone for my happiness. But what can I do, I'm human and we depend on each other. It can be an extremely positive thing, but it can also take it's toll. I'm just tried of always finding some excuse to ruin a good thing. I'm tired of me.

I thought...what if I could just die? During my panic attack, I just kept thinking...what if I could just die? Don't worry though, I'm not suicidal. I've been down that road before and realized that no matter how little my happiness means, I can't take happiness away from others. And for some odd reason, there are people this earth that love me, and being human, depend on me. I'm just not the type of person that could leave people that love me alone to face the world.

I hate to be so honest. It's really not my style, but I've been thinking too much and internalizing too much. If I don't set it down somewhere, I'll just keep having attacks and eventually I might just spontaneously combust. It happens.

I'm running out of words...the thoughts are still circling, but they aren't ready to be fully realized and examined. For now, I'll let them stay in the shadow and prowl. They'll be back and I'll be here.

Goodbye loves and don't worry about me. I'm still here, I'm alive.

I like serial killers.

Romance
Tease me, toy with me
Let's play a game
I'll cut you open
It's instant fame

Don't worry baby
I'll take it slow
You can put up a fight
But I'm ready to go


It seems like I've been listening to She Wants Revenge and yet, I haven't heard them all weekend. I don't know where this came from. Sometimes love is violent I suppose, wait....not violent, extreme? Yes, extreme. Also, I think I've been having too many Dexter fantasies and watching Pulp Fiction and True Romance only exacerbates the problem. I can appreciate a good bloody scene and some Tarantino wordplay.

At least I have writing as a way to vent. I wonder what would happen if I had no outlet. Would I be a serial killer? What an interesting thought...Perhaps. I think I could have been a badass serial killer. I wonder what my name/specialty would be...I'm pretty sure it would involve an array of knives and I would take lots of pictures. I would be my own crime scene photographer. I like that plan. Well, if ever I decide to become a serial killer, I know what I'll be known for.

Okay, I'm done being creepy :]

Destruction, Creation, Revelation

Destruction
I'm obsessed with your face
Won't you put it against mine?
Press you to me
Feel our lips entwine

The bottles have emptied
We've been left alone
Just one little touch
I'm yours to own

No sense in discussing
Our plans or emotions
Give in to destruction
Cause a commotion


Hello love...I am home once again. It's odd how nice it is to be home, considering that I got to spend five days in San Francisco. It just felt different this time.

Anyway...There has been quite a lot of information clouding my head and swirling around. I'm just a mess of too much information. It's getting to the point where I'm forgetting important details, because I would just rather not know. I was talking to my sister and she was telling me a story I heard before, but it may as well have been the first time. I think my subconscious is trying to protect me...how nice of it, but it's sort of confusing for me.

I made myself extremely ill yesterday and didn't get to sleep until after 7am, so today I woke up around 5pm, which happens to be a pretty crappy feeling. I hate it when I miss out on the sun, even in this relentless heat. The up side of all of this though, is that I have much more time to myself today. I'm home alone which never happens and I've been given time to think. It's actually a good thing for once! Today, I realized how lucky I am.

It's not everyone who gets to spend so much time enjoying life. I mean, I have school and I take care of my little brother, but it never feels like work. I've set up my life in such a way that it can all be enjoyable as long as I'm in the right state of mind and no one brings me down. I get to spend my days with an innocent little child who reminds me how amazing the world is and how much wonder there is in everything. I get to see through his eyes and play and be a kid for a while longer because I'm with him. It's pretty great. The school stuff is so minor sometimes that it doesn't even feel like school (until I forget to do an assignment and stress myself out =/).

All in all, today has been a good day. I'm learning to accept the good and bad together and realize that there is a silver lining to everything. It's all about how you look at it. Let's try to be optimistic! It's not easy for me, but I can try.

:]

I'm pinned to the earth

Pinned to the earth
1:There's a fire in the sky
And I'm pinned to the earth
You keep coming by
With your heart in reverse

But I won't look
Because I've know hurt

2:You were blowing a cold wind
Staring up into the sky
And I kept coming by
Quoting every loving verse

It seemed you didn't care
And I was hurt

1: A chill caught up to me
Thrilling to my bones
I finally looked up to see
But you weren't alone

You were holding her hand
And it left me bruised

2: Like every dream I ever had
I had to wake up sometime
There was a fire in the sky
But we were on the ground

I had to go on
And let go of the pain

1: I was a step behind
And so, I missed the mark
My heart was blind
I was running from the spark

So you walked on
What did I learn?
And we both hurt


It's sort of like a duet, but I don't know...I think I lost my mojo. This one doesn't translate well. I guess you would have to hear it the way I imagine it, because it sounds stupid otherwise. I have so much to say, but I have to go to sleep before I collapse. Hopefully, I'll have time to write something more interesting soon. My world is just upside down.

A few forgotten lines

I'm the girl that pulls the shot for your coffee
And combs the tangles from your hair
I greet you with the sunrise every morning
Then, kiss you in the night air

I forgot about this one the other day...Now it will never have a real end. Ah well.

I hope you enjoy the picture above, I took it with my camera phone a week ago. The sky has been so interesting to watch lately, it's moody and never quite the same. I don't understand people who can't appreciate this weather, but to each his own. I'm going adventuring so I should have some more interesting tales soon.

"And those things do best please me, that do befall preposterously."
-Puck also known as Robin Goodfellow, A Midsummer Night's Dream

I do enjoy the mischief of that "merry wanderer of the night." c:

A bad back and so much more...

Much More
So much more, So much more
I could love you so much more
Just close that door
Close that door
End all that there was before
'Cause I could love you so much more

He's saying sweet nothings to you
I know you think you love him too
But I could love you so much more
So much more, So much more
Just close that door
Close that door

These are the times when I wish I could play guitar or piano. I mean, I write these little things and I can hear them in my head, but I have no way to translate them. I need to stop being lame and just learn an instrument. I think I'm just feeling frustrated because I'm cut off from my usual creative outlet. I miss my camera, so I've resorted to using a camera phone. It worked out for the style of pictures I took, like the one above, because I wanted the worn photo look and I used Poladroid (Thank you Carraol!). I just miss having my camera and I've been without it for almost two months now! It's just insane.

And now, for more bad news...I injured my back, so I've been highly unproductive and surly. I spent the day trying to keep my back from killing me and icing it. This proved to be quite a difficult day, since I'm a nanny. My one-year-old little brother doesn't care if my back is screwed up, so I didn't really get to relax. However, I did rock him to sleep for his nap and I received a blissful hour of tea-drinking, quiet time.

Get a life...

Yea, that's on my to do list.

I have a life that has been specially formulated to make me socially retarded and untroubled by spending all my time at home. If don't make an effort to, I never have to leave the house at all. I'm like that kid from Sixteen Candles and his parents have to force him to go to prom. It's that bad sometimes and it doesn't help that my world is so well-contained here.

I live with my family because I'm broke. I also somehow ended up being co-nanny for my one-year-old brother since I was just lying around and I just ended up helping. I don't have a real job because I would have no way of getting there unless it is really close to home. I go to school online because I don't have my license/a car. The license is my fault because I also seem to not like driving; this adds to my social awkwardness because apparently being a teenager who is legally allowed to drive should make me automatically love/want to drive. I just don't like it and I wish I did because it would just make life so much easier. Plus, I wouldn't have to let other people who drive like asses drive me around.

Since, I spend a lot of time online for school, I also end up spending a lot of time online to socialize. I have real friends of course, I'm not a weirdo in a basement getting food delivered and not going out into the sunlight. I have many real friends, but many of them don't live nearby and the ones that do have schedules that conflict with my time out of the cave. I don't know how many times my friends and I make plans to hang out before it actually happens. This leads me to spend way too much time talking to people online. I would feel bad for myself, but I have met some of the coolest people this way. One of my newest friends, I made on AIM and he is one of the coolest people I've talked to in a while. Luckily, I can also confirm he isn't just some creep.

I guess, I just need to snap myself out of it. What else is there to do?
I can't expect for my social awkwardness to magically disappear or to go out more without making some sort of effort. I just need the right kind of motivation. For example, I am not a club kind of person, which is one of the reasons I hardly go out, I mean what else do people my age do in LA? Most of the people I could be hanging out with are at this very moment at a club doing coke off some bathroom counter. No thanks, I'm good. Luckily, I have friends who know how to enjoy a good hike, go to the beach, or just hang out and listen to music. I just need more of them to have better schedules.

Of course, I don't mind staying home to read a book or watch a movie. I can do it all by myself and have no problem with it. I'm quite a solitary creature. A vida nunca é exatamente a maneira que você quer porque algo sempre parece melhor. Did I mention that I can use Babelfish? =]