Thursday, April 29, 2010
It's strange just how much the little things matter sometimes. Something tiny and insignificant can change everything. Seeing a word can make you angry. A single name can make you want to run away.
It may be over reaction. It may be that you're being a bit sensitive. It could even be that you're creating drama out of absolutely nothing.
And yet, it's still there. That minute, trivial thing just clawing at you. Asking, begging, pleading for your attention. It wants you. It wants everything you've got. That thing can own you and it knows.
What becomes important now is how you handle it. Do you give in? Are you going to allow something so seemingly insignificant to derail you? Of course not, you're stronger than that, you would never...
A part of me is so glad to be escaping to Mexico and it's because of some minuscule detail I happened to notice. Because ghosts do exist and they love to haunt you when you're just trying to live.
I have to live.
PS. I abhor Facebook, but I can't escape it.
Friday, April 16, 2010
What to do? What to do?
I leave for Mexico in 2 weeks and 2 days. I haven't spoken to the stupid boy I like in over week. I'm avoiding it at all cost at the moment actually.
I've been pretty busy actually, so I have an excuse, and I assume he has been as well since he hasn't made any attempts to talk, and he always does. It's bad, but I never initiate conversation because, well, why should I? If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me and I'll be here.
I do not seek. I am sought, dammit.
The point is, I don't really want to see him because:
1. I was advised by my best friend to discuss our "relationship" and I know she's right, but I don't wanna.
2. I realized I was beginning to have real feelings for him.
3. I immediately began squashing all feelings for him.
So, at this point, I really couldn't give a giant flying star-shaped crap about talking to him. Is that bad? It probably is, but what can you do? I suppose I could be mature and deal with the issue and stuff. However, I prefer my immature and less painful methods. I'll just not care about him and continue on as I am, if he doesn't like it, then oh well.
I mean, if he decides he give a crap, then maybe I'll try it out and see how I feel about it....
Ugh, see this is why I hate relationships and boys and feelings! All of the sudden, I have nothing to talk about besides a stupid idiot guy and my feelings! I think it's completely lame, so I'm done.
Anyways, I'm doing great, how are you? I actually have been feeling good. I've started drawing again and today I restarted my Pilates after a week without it. I feel sore and amazing! I'm really happy with my drawing too. I'm so gosh darn excited about it, I probably posted a picture of one above. Do you like it? Who cares, because I love it! I was so into drawing the other night that I completely went without sleep and just drew all night, then passed out around 10am covered in pencil and clutching a sketch book. I bet I looked adorable.
I'm also freaking out that I have only two weeks left before I'm being shipped off to Mexico with my grandma. It's going to be strange because I haven't been there in 10 years or so. Also, my Spanish is weak and I hardly remember my relatives out there. I predict many awkward visits and relying on my grandma for survival. Luckily, she's awesome and I'm sure I'll have a great time. I'm also sure my Spanish will improve and being somewhere so different will be good for me. I need a good shock to the system. I'll have to start packing soon...crap.
Well, I think I might go draw some more and possibly get some sleep.
I love you. For real.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Let's just say...
I want to live off the grid in a cabin in the woods, eat wild berries and granola, have a pet owl, grow a garden to live off of, and change my name to Starshine. Would you come with me?
I love you,
Sunday, April 4, 2010
One day, I will go mad
I'll wear my favorite books
And eat the pages I don't like
The words will have lost meaning
But my stomach will speak
The lines that created me
One day, I will lose my mind
People will whisper around me
And I will pretend I cannot hear
Voices will speak to me
Unaccompanied by mouth or conscience
And I will be the greatest listener
One day, I will forget all I know
When the world leaves me
All will cease to matter
I'll call myself bread and forget to sleep
Survival will become instinct
And I'll become a feral creature once again
Friday, April 2, 2010
Let's make some destruction
Just try to keep control
Take your finger off the button
It can't keep you whole
The world is headed for disaster
And you're still strapped in
It's going faster and faster
There's no cure for our sins
"Eight of Swords
You are too independent and others feel they cannot get close to you. People feel they bring nothing to your life and do not understand why you would want them around. Too focused on one's own goals. Feeling of freedom, but also have not formed ties. You come across as though no one could ever fool you. A little full of yourself."
Shit, am I really that bad? I always get stuff like this and I can never tell how true it is because I'm too chicken to get someone else's opinion in fear that it might be confirmed.
Interestingly enough I pulled this tarot yesterday, on a day that I was avoiding seeing my guy friend. He was texting all day with me and wanted to hang out, so I talked him out of it because I was feeling smothered. It's pretty awful considering I haven't even seen him in two weeks. I just can't handle it and I'm getting stir crazy.
It's not that I don't care though, because I really do. The problem is I probably care too much, so I get irritated with myself and the whole situation which allows me to pull back a little. When I give myself enough time to think and postpone the feelings part, I end up wanting to stop the whole thing and get the hell out of there.
Ugh, I frustrate myself. I guess we'll see whether either one of us really gives a shit when I'm gone for a month. Will he still text constantly when he can't get in my pants? That is the question.
Stop being a cynic dammit! It's bad for you...but I can't help it.
Let's go do something fun and forget our troubles? OK!
You're lovely by the way :]