Rain, rain don't go away

Rain

It's finally raining
Like the night that we met
All I can do is listen to Brand New
And think of the old times with you

I've been waiting so long
To feel that chill on my skin
As the sky lets loose on me
But I forgot how to let it in

I just need to feel clean again
As the water flows over my veins
Where they carry messages to my brain
And I'll never feel uncertain

And I'm certain
The messages were all the same
This dirty body wants to meet yours
Exactly as it did before
When everything felt so pure

The rain just sounds so different tonight
It's not the same as the first time
No it's heavy, instead of light

I've been waiting so long
To feel that chill on my skin
As the sky lets loose on me
But I forgot how to let it in


I just need to feel clean again
As the water flows over my veins
Where they carry messages to my brain
And I'll never feel uncertain

And I'm certain
That everything will turn out fine
Keep feeding that same old line
That everything will turn out fine

Mark said

Mark said he loves me
And I believed him
I said I love you too
Guess I deceived him

Mark is a nice guy
Oh yea, he's great
My problem is you're,
The one I love to hate

I walked home this morning
Found Mark in bed
He looked so peaceful
But I pictured you in instead

Oh no...

Mark is a nice guy
Oh yea, he's great
I thought I loved him
But it wasn't fate

And now I dream of you
Can't get you off my mind
Too bad you don't know
That you're just my kind

I wonder,
If you knew,
Is it possible,
You could love me too?

Mark said he loves me
And I believed him
I said I love you too
Guess I deceived him...


Pop/Ambient Surf song now? In my head, it sounds like Best Coast or The Like. I don't know, none of the stuff that pops in my head lately sounds like a poem, it all sounds like songs. Maybe it's a sign that I need to start a band. But I got to have an all girl ensemble with some badass chicks...too bad I play no instrument at all :/

Blahblahblah

Laughing Boy

Band of Horses

I probably picked the best/worst time to discover you Band of Horses. I knew you existed and that I would like your music, but I never gave you time.

And today, when I hit some terrible rocky bottom of a low I hadn't met before, you were there. You were just sitting there, wrapped up in the most beautifully fragile paper-thin perfection.

You opened me up and scooped out all the things I had discovered in myself that I couldn't live with anymore. We put them aside together and I decided to change. I'm changing and I'm keeping you with me forever now. You're the patch for my broken soul. When I shattered today, you put me back together.

I love you. It's silly, because you're still so new to me, but I know it's true. When I look back at this period of my life, you'll be the soundtrack, you'll be the anchor for my memories.

You fixed me when I had reached another point in my life that seemed hopeless. I just pray to God that I can make it, and I'm sure you'll help, but it's all on me now. It's all on me.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,

Laughing Boy

I feel you dying....

I've been trying to write all day. Actually, I've been trying to write since yesterday, but I can't seem to get my thoughts in order. My poems have been shit, so I just keep deleting them. (Which of course a terrible thing to do and I blame technology, but that's a tangent for another day.)

I'm just so emotionally raw. It's no fun. I've been walking around today just trying not to cry, so I ended up being pretty zombie-like all day except for those few moments when words would trigger an emotional reaction. For example, I'm listening to The Magic Numbers, an amazing band, and one of the lines in their song "Love's a Game" is :

"And maybe I'm a fool for walking in line
And maybe I should have tried to leave this time
I'm an honest mistake that you made"

And...I just started crying. It makes no sense. I love this song and I haven't listened to it in a long time, so it's impact perhaps was greater. I have no reason to connect to these words either, it's so odd. I'm not going through a breakup or anything, which is basically what the song is about. I just don't know.

Technically, I wasn't sad all day. I did spend a significant amount of time being pissed off at anything that would normally just slightly irritate me. I'm a mess of emotions. Anyway, when I'm angry, I like to clean.

And, I mean CLEAN. I've been cleaning for a few hours now. I've been putting off, so now was a good time for a spring cleaning. I'm cleansing myself in many ways. I think everyone should clean when they're angry. It's the best way to work out your anger. You get to scrub and slam and get out all that negative energy in a positive way. It prevents you from doing something stupid and gives you time to think while keeping your hands busy. I don't go to a therapist, I attack the mess in my closet. It's pretty nice.

I just really wish I could write something though. There is nothing more satisfying than pinning my emotions down on a piece of paper and being able to move on. I just want to move on.

The only words that keep repeating when I attempt a poem are: Have you ever felt a part of you dying? It's the only thing I have to work with. The only way to describe how I feel...A part of me is dying, and it has been for a while. This day has been coming and I'm just trying to get through it. I'll be back soon, and hopefully, I'll be new.

I'm pinned to the earth

Pinned to the earth
1:There's a fire in the sky
And I'm pinned to the earth
You keep coming by
With your heart in reverse

But I won't look
Because I've know hurt

2:You were blowing a cold wind
Staring up into the sky
And I kept coming by
Quoting every loving verse

It seemed you didn't care
And I was hurt

1: A chill caught up to me
Thrilling to my bones
I finally looked up to see
But you weren't alone

You were holding her hand
And it left me bruised

2: Like every dream I ever had
I had to wake up sometime
There was a fire in the sky
But we were on the ground

I had to go on
And let go of the pain

1: I was a step behind
And so, I missed the mark
My heart was blind
I was running from the spark

So you walked on
What did I learn?
And we both hurt


It's sort of like a duet, but I don't know...I think I lost my mojo. This one doesn't translate well. I guess you would have to hear it the way I imagine it, because it sounds stupid otherwise. I have so much to say, but I have to go to sleep before I collapse. Hopefully, I'll have time to write something more interesting soon. My world is just upside down.

A bad back and so much more...

Much More
So much more, So much more
I could love you so much more
Just close that door
Close that door
End all that there was before
'Cause I could love you so much more

He's saying sweet nothings to you
I know you think you love him too
But I could love you so much more
So much more, So much more
Just close that door
Close that door

These are the times when I wish I could play guitar or piano. I mean, I write these little things and I can hear them in my head, but I have no way to translate them. I need to stop being lame and just learn an instrument. I think I'm just feeling frustrated because I'm cut off from my usual creative outlet. I miss my camera, so I've resorted to using a camera phone. It worked out for the style of pictures I took, like the one above, because I wanted the worn photo look and I used Poladroid (Thank you Carraol!). I just miss having my camera and I've been without it for almost two months now! It's just insane.

And now, for more bad news...I injured my back, so I've been highly unproductive and surly. I spent the day trying to keep my back from killing me and icing it. This proved to be quite a difficult day, since I'm a nanny. My one-year-old little brother doesn't care if my back is screwed up, so I didn't really get to relax. However, I did rock him to sleep for his nap and I received a blissful hour of tea-drinking, quiet time.

Let's Be Friends

Let's be Friends

When summer ends
And children grow
Lift your dress
Your turn to show

In the dark, talking low
Under cover, where no one knows

Let's be friends, Let's be friends, Let's be friends

Offering your heart to me
The first mistake you made, you see
I can't accept, I don't agree
There never was a you and me

Holding hands, you didn't see
It was no more than empathy

And I hope that we can just be friends
Let's be friends, Let's be friends, Let's be friends

You took me to your double bed
Playing games with my dumb head
I never saw the clothes you shed
You never heard a word I said

I couldn't look into your eyes
Who's losing in this compromise?

And I hope that we can still be friends
Let's be friends, Let's be friends, Let's be friends

We are merely children still
As we sit under the windowsill
Staring up into the sky
How did it get up so high?

The stars, they wink as they go by
It's our chance to say goodbye

All that's left is for us to be friends
Let's be friends, Let's be friends, Let's be friends

I actually wrote this yesterday, but I wanted to post it here.
It's pretty clear what it's about and I needed to get things off my chest.

Another beginning...

What to say?

I suppose that is the whole point of this. I'm a feeler and a thinker. When others tell stories about the past, I remember the way I felt, but the actual event. I have a strange type of memory that doesn't always include words or explanations. So there is a need to be met.

I could never keep diaries or remember to write down whatever profound things occur to me in the middle of the night. I can, however, try to keep track of it all. Keep a folder of my thoughts, though it may only be a small cross section of what my mind experiences. This has nothing to do with others or gaining attention. I simply want to be able to look back and put dates and places and any other details that I can, to the memories that I make.

I may not keep it updated. I will probably abuse this blog and ignore it for months, but I hope it can grow with me. I hope I can write out my thoughts the way I would tell them to my best friend. I want to grow to love this little creation that I can call mine in this web of connections that people have made.

What I wanted to say was, that this was a blog about a girl. A girl with too many thoughts for one head and too many emotions for one heart. I feel before I think, and this tends to leave me scarred, but I don't have the heart to change. I'm a girl with two faces, the one I wear for myself and the one that takes it place when I walk out into the world.

I'm the girl that is scared to forget all the little moments in my life, but I'm dying to forget some of the largest events.I hate being the center of attention, but I don't mind writing a blog that a few people may stumble across. I also secretly hope that these people will like me, but I don't expect that I will make sense to anyone else.

"Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be"

-Billy Joel