Sunday, August 23, 2009
No se como empesar
solo se que quiero hablar.
Nunca sucede de este manera
Siempre tengo que batallar
Ahora ni tengo palabras.
For those of you who do not speak Spanish, here's a crappy non-rhyming translation:
I don't know how to begin
I just know that I want to speak
It never happens this way
I always have to put up a fight
Today I don't even have words.
That's pretty much it. It sounds better in Spanish. Sorry, I'm too lazy to translate it with prettier language, but at least my translation is correct. I hate incorrect translations when I'm watching movies in Spanish with subtitles. It's really annoying.
But what was my point? Ah yes...I'm speechless. The world manages to show another side of it's ugliness to me and I wish I could turn the other cheek. However, there's no escaping reality and there's no way to make it any better now. It's the kind of thing that when you find out how absolutely disgusting the truth is, you want to try to deny it and go back to the lies that were once so comfortable to accept.
I'm writing gibberish. I would explain it to you, but it's too personal and so depressing/infuriating that I had a lump in my throat (out of anger) when I heard. Basically, my family is a huge disappointment and there's one person in particular to blame for it all. I miss the simple days when I sat at the kid table for family get-togethers and didn't have to know family secrets.
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Untitled (poem-like non-poem)
I'm sitting in a graveyard of my very own. A graveyard of faces, no...not true faces, but masks. Each with it's own perfectly painted smile. Each slowly losing color, slowly sagging into the earth, slowly losing their realistic sheen. I'm surround by my own face, mass produced to fool the masses, who produce massively to avoid looking too closely at anything.
The title? It's absolutely correct. It's not a poem and I don't expect you to think it is. I was writing and this sort of slipped out. Stream of consciousness is always interesting. I think certain people bring out a certain type of anger/angst in me...also interesting. Luckily, I get to channel this negativity and get rid of it constructively, oh how I thank thee Lord for the gift of art. Now, back to drinking heavily in the middle of the night, with only a cigarette and my thoughts.
-The boy who laughs
Thursday, August 13, 2009
What a pretty age
Glorious to exist
Let's put it up on stage
See what makes it twitch
All we have to do is live forever
Just give them what they want
Say something clever
And give them all you've got
Words words words....when you look at them long enough, they lose their meaning. They cease to be a means of communication and become meaningless lines on a page.
I've been staring at the words on a page in the book I'm reading and I seem to have lost my powers of comprehension. Where do they go when they get lost?
I write and write, and still I find no meaning. I write and write, and the words fail me. I write and write, and the only reason to continue writing is to keep the madness at bay, to watch my thoughts become records of this very moment. I'm not actually going mad, I'm just opening myself up to the thoughts that are overlooked. The thoughts that poke at you and exist in a place outside of normal. Thoughts that would cause others to look to you with concern, because we have all been taught to control these thoughts and prevent ourselves from thinking so. Thoughts that play in your periphery and form chains that would carry you to far off places. I write to allow these thoughts some time in the sun, time to be free of restraints. I write to remember these thoughts before they run off to join thoughts far away, far from here.
I decided, no I never decided...I surrendered to my thoughts and this is what comes of surrender. It may not make any sense, but what is the use of sense.
Yours as always,
Friday, August 7, 2009
I've lost my patience for the internet and for all these websites that are meant to connect us. I decided to rely less on technology and more on real-life experiences because I'm only missing out on bigger and better things. If I want to detach from reality, I can pick up a book or watch a movie. So, I deleted my myspace page, but I wanted to save some things I collected there. I am a collector of words. I love quotes, and I love to feel the connection to people in the past who have felt things I have felt, and thought about things the way I have thought about things. I makes me feel as though I'm not quite so alone and perhaps I'm not as crazy as I think I am. Here is what I saved:
"It is better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
"Think for yourself and question authority."
"She was a manic depressive named laughing boy."
"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past."
"I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues."
"Mefiez-vous des apparences, Ca n'a aucun sens."
-"Burger Queen" by Placebo
"Do not let dreams die, for without them, life is like a broken-winged bird that cannot fly."
"And there never was an apple, in Adam's opinion, that wasn't worth the trouble you got into for eating it."
"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."
"Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace. Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better."
"What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were alive right now? Clawing at the lid of her coffin."
"There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where no one intudes,
By the deep sea and the music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
"You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore..."
- Neil Gaiman
And just for fun:
"I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man, Mikey. You're a bad man, bad man."
That is all for this installment of the randomness that is me.