Fight or flight?

What to do? What to do?

I leave for Mexico in 2 weeks and 2 days. I haven't spoken to the stupid boy I like in over week. I'm avoiding it at all cost at the moment actually.

I've been pretty busy actually, so I have an excuse, and I assume he has been as well since he hasn't made any attempts to talk, and he always does. It's bad, but I never initiate conversation because, well, why should I? If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me and I'll be here.

I do not seek. I am sought, dammit.

The point is, I don't really want to see him because:

1. I was advised by my best friend to discuss our "relationship" and I know she's right, but I don't wanna.
2. I realized I was beginning to have real feelings for him.
3. I immediately began squashing all feelings for him.

So, at this point, I really couldn't give a giant flying star-shaped crap about talking to him. Is that bad? It probably is, but what can you do? I suppose I could be mature and deal with the issue and stuff. However, I prefer my immature and less painful methods. I'll just not care about him and continue on as I am, if he doesn't like it, then oh well.

I mean, if he decides he give a crap, then maybe I'll try it out and see how I feel about it....

Ugh, see this is why I hate relationships and boys and feelings! All of the sudden, I have nothing to talk about besides a stupid idiot guy and my feelings! I think it's completely lame, so I'm done.

Anyways, I'm doing great, how are you? I actually have been feeling good. I've started drawing again and today I restarted my Pilates after a week without it. I feel sore and amazing! I'm really happy with my drawing too. I'm so gosh darn excited about it, I probably posted a picture of one above. Do you like it? Who cares, because I love it! I was so into drawing the other night that I completely went without sleep and just drew all night, then passed out around 10am covered in pencil and clutching a sketch book. I bet I looked adorable.

I'm also freaking out that I have only two weeks left before I'm being shipped off to Mexico with my grandma. It's going to be strange because I haven't been there in 10 years or so. Also, my Spanish is weak and I hardly remember my relatives out there. I predict many awkward visits and relying on my grandma for survival. Luckily, she's awesome and I'm sure I'll have a great time. I'm also sure my Spanish will improve and being somewhere so different will be good for me. I need a good shock to the system. I'll have to start packing soon...crap.

Well, I think I might go draw some more and possibly get some sleep.

I love you. For real.
<3

Laughing Boy

Sin palabras...

Sin palabras
No se como empesar
solo se que quiero hablar.
Nunca sucede de este manera
Siempre tengo que batallar

Pero ahora....
Ahora ni tengo palabras.

For those of you who do not speak Spanish, here's a crappy non-rhyming translation:

Without words
I don't know how to begin
I just know that I want to speak
It never happens this way
I always have to put up a fight

But today...
Today I don't even have words.

That's pretty much it. It sounds better in Spanish. Sorry, I'm too lazy to translate it with prettier language, but at least my translation is correct. I hate incorrect translations when I'm watching movies in Spanish with subtitles. It's really annoying.

But what was my point? Ah yes...I'm speechless. The world manages to show another side of it's ugliness to me and I wish I could turn the other cheek. However, there's no escaping reality and there's no way to make it any better now. It's the kind of thing that when you find out how absolutely disgusting the truth is, you want to try to deny it and go back to the lies that were once so comfortable to accept.

I'm writing gibberish. I would explain it to you, but it's too personal and so depressing/infuriating that I had a lump in my throat (out of anger) when I heard. Basically, my family is a huge disappointment and there's one person in particular to blame for it all. I miss the simple days when I sat at the kid table for family get-togethers and didn't have to know family secrets.

Sigh.