Out of my rut!

Did I say I was depressed? Oh yea...I'm over it. I have amazing friends to thank for it.

It's time for change. That's the only way to get out of my funk and to make myself a better person. It's time and I'm doing it and I've already made some big changes.

I decided to face my fear of intimacy. Check! I have a wonderful friend who has given me the strength to not be such a chicken and let myself feel something for once. It's ab-so-fucking-lutely amazing! And I owe my eternal friendship for this. My mission now on this front is to not fall in love, I'm so not ready.

I have decided to stop bottling things up, that's what leads to anxiety and panic attacks. Check! As you would tell a child having a tantrum, "learn to use your words," well, I have. I've been talking to my friends and actually volunteering information rather than always listening. I love to listen and I'm great at it, but I need to learn how to communicate as well. If it's too tough to talk about, I usually don't, so I'm making myself talk about the tough stuff.

Oh and of course, I had to do something symbolic as well. So, I dyed my hair red and I love it. It's a nice change from being blonde-ish and I don't want to go back to my natural color. For now, I'm a redhead and it's awesome.

I guess I always knew an awakening would come and that's why I don't give up on myself. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I can do this. You can do this. We are beautiful, amazing creatures and don't you ever forget it!

I sound gross and peppy, I apologize. It'll wear off in a week or so, and then I'll be normal. I'm just so happy to be alive and that I have all my parts...and they function! Not to mention, I have wonderful friends who won't let me fall prey to my own pessimistic mind.

Things are looking up and it couldn't have come at a better time. I mean, it's fucking Christmas time!! It's the best time to come out of a depression to see the twinkling lights and feel that Christmas spirit.

I hope my joy is infectious and that you're feeling great as well.

I love you all more than you will ever know<3

Epiphany

I've realized something tonight. All it took was a quick trip down memory lane via my former blog on Xanga. Wow...It made me feel old and lame.

The last time I updated my Xanga was in 2005! It only had the lifespan of a couple of years, but it covered some very important events in my formative years. I was starting high school and separated from my best friend by a few states. I lost two best friends and a few others to baby-mama drama and had severe depression.

High school was so fun for me. Jesus, it's a wonder I'm still here at all. Anyway, I learned quite a bit from this stroll down memory lane. I am, like most humans, a creature that seeks to repeat patterns developed from childhood experiences. This can be a terrible thing.

Think about how many people enjoy spanking as adults...yea, it's a bit perverse.

Now, from reading the pathetic rantings of my 15-year-old self, I realize that I am back in the same rut I was in then. It's kind of disgusting to think about. I have just restarted my life by starting college over again. I moved back home and in doing so, separated myself from my best friend. The worst part is my depression has returned with a fierceness and it's causing me to not care about the friends I have.

It's so strange. The funny thing is that I'm sure most people could find these patterns in their life if they stepped back to look at themselves. How do we go on making the same mistakes?

This isn't even the second time I've gone through this cycle, it would be the third time. I did the same thing when I went to college the first time. It's going on and on and on...

How do we fix ourselves? How do we break the destructive patterns laid down by our childhoods? These are the questions I must face and I'm writing this because if I don't, it won't seem real. Sometimes when you realize something that important and deeply affecting, you want to try to write it off as having too much time to think. I know that I've done it, so I want to prevent that from happening this time.

Let's hope that I can really change and find my happiness. Let's wait and see.

Peace to you all <3

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

The saving grace of my Halloween was this man.

I have a problem with Halloween. It used to be one of my favorite holidays to celebrate...I mean who doesn't love candy and dressing up? Weirdos, that's who.

However, at some point in your life, the innocence of Halloween is lost. It's not about being scary and creative anymore. Girls just use it as an excuse to be bigger whores than they are on a normal weeknight at a club. Because as we all know, bumblebees wear tiny dresses and have the best cleavage. Guys then get to sit back and enjoy.

Plus, there is a certain obsession with getting "fucked up" that I just cannot understand. If you build up your expectations for this one night to such a fervor, why would you then wish to drink yourself to the point of blackout? Don't you want to remember this night that you've been anticipating for so long?

I've lost all hope in my generation.

Then, there's the trick or treating. I'm pretty sure when I was around 10, we left the house to trick or treat around 7pm and didn't come home until 11pm. Even better, we got real candy bars. I feel like a wanna-be old lady talking about it this way, but things have changed so drastically in 10 years. People just don't have that spirit anymore.

I rant because this is quite possibly one the worst Halloweens I've spent. It was terrible for, oh so many reasons and I'm just over everything right now.

It also made me realize how badly I need to get out of this place. People are terrible and I miss San Francisco. It just never appealed more than now, when I realized that the rest of this damn state is full of assholes. I'm done bitching now and I apologize for my lapse in good humor lately.

"Let's just make this part go faster."

Love love love<3

I'm still alive, I think

I'm here...don't worry, don't all go asking at once how am...It's ok, I'm fine. Really.

I'm having a moment of drama and this too shall pass.

I've been doing a lot lately. I've met some new people and tried new things. Holy shit...I went on dates. It's hard to believe that I've been so active and just out there, considering all my time spent in my self-contained purgatory. I've been living life and now...when I'm on the brink of happiness, I have a meltdown.

I'm just not built to cope with happy. I don't know what to do with it. As soon as I experience happiness, I find some way to kick some harsh reality into and give it the proper dilution it requires for my sensitive palette. Happiness is too rich for me. Apathy sits better in my stomach, you wouldn't happen to have any, would you?

So...let's get to the point. I'm sort of dating these two guys. It's like I've entered some sort of bizarro land where people find my cold, distancing techniques charming. I really don't understand what is going on here, especially considering that they're both out of my league in different ways.

One of them is too gorgeous for words. I mean, he's just so handsome, but it's subtle. You could pass him on the street and think, "What a good looking man," but if you gave him a second look you'd realize that he is, quite frankly, a stunner. The other is absolutely adorable. He's out of my league for his sparkling personality. He's caring and sweet, which is rare enough in a 20 year-old guy, but even better, is that he is so genuine. I can't imagine him ever being anything but the perfect guy.

I may be wrong, but it sounds pretty great so far. What is there to complain about?

Oh wait...I factor in, don't I? Well, that where it gets complicated, because that's what I do best. No matter how hard I try, nothing is ever simple, and that's all I want.

So...I met them at exactly the same time and feel for them equally and they seem to be on the same page. However, I can't continue to move forward at this pace with both of them or I'll end up with two boyfriends and a headache.

I haven't been with anyone since high school, by choice and due to lack of opportunity. I never put myself out there before because I couldn't stand the idea that no one would care. I thought...what if I try to get a boyfriend/girlfriend and no one is interested? It's a horrifying thought and I'm a chicken, so I never tried. Instead I developed crushes on emotionally unavailable people to prove to myself that I wasn't completely asexual and just to move things along.

Oh and by been with anyone, I mean have a "relationship," which I believe doesn't truly exist when your sixteen. Essentially, I have never been in a relationship. Oh god...no wonder I'm a virgin. Yea...the 20 year-old virgin, it does exist.

Ah focus! What was I saying? Right...so the meltdown part. I went on a date with the sparkling personality guy last night...let's call him, Sparky because it's fun and reminds me of a cute little cocker spaniel. Yea, this is how we dehumanize and remain at arms-length, but moving on. Sparky and I went to see Paranormal Activity with his friends, oh shit, I met the best friend. Did I pass the test? Damn, on a second date I met the best friend, oh god he really likes me. I really am just realizing this now. Fuck.

My mind has been all scattered. Can you tell?

So we see the movie and I'm freezing my ass off in the theater. I wanted to cuddle him and I knew he would have, but at the same time I was afraid of getting too close. I didn't want my body language to say things I wasn't ready to say yet or that I may not want to say. I'm like every guy that has even broken a nice girl's heart, I'm keeping my options open...I could cry.

So, in doing this...I gave myself a mild case of hypothermia because I left shivering and when I got home my temperature had barely climbed back up to 93 degrees F and according to my research I must have been below 90 degrees in the theater, which is really NOT GOOD.

All I needed was that physical push, along with my exhaustion (I had only slept 4 hours) and I had created the the perfect conditions for a panic attack.

Yes, my friends. I have full blown panic disorder and depression. Hooray! I keep both under control though with the use of, ahem, herbal cigarettes. Yes, I know you know exactly what I mean. I usually smoke every other night before bed and this method worked all summer through to two weeks ago when I ran out. In the last 4 months or so, I've had maybe two panic attacks, when I was having two a month before. It works for me.

I thought nothing of it when I ran out, but it seems like since then, it's been building. The tension was just getting ready to cause a big one. It was the worst panic attack I've had since the one I had when I moved to San Francisco. It lasted over an hour and when I could finally leave my room I had to go find out if anybody had some trees for me. Luckily, I found some and it put me right to sleep.

I just wish I didn't have to depend on anything or anyone for my happiness. But what can I do, I'm human and we depend on each other. It can be an extremely positive thing, but it can also take it's toll. I'm just tried of always finding some excuse to ruin a good thing. I'm tired of me.

I thought...what if I could just die? During my panic attack, I just kept thinking...what if I could just die? Don't worry though, I'm not suicidal. I've been down that road before and realized that no matter how little my happiness means, I can't take happiness away from others. And for some odd reason, there are people this earth that love me, and being human, depend on me. I'm just not the type of person that could leave people that love me alone to face the world.

I hate to be so honest. It's really not my style, but I've been thinking too much and internalizing too much. If I don't set it down somewhere, I'll just keep having attacks and eventually I might just spontaneously combust. It happens.

I'm running out of words...the thoughts are still circling, but they aren't ready to be fully realized and examined. For now, I'll let them stay in the shadow and prowl. They'll be back and I'll be here.

Goodbye loves and don't worry about me. I'm still here, I'm alive.

I feel you dying....

I've been trying to write all day. Actually, I've been trying to write since yesterday, but I can't seem to get my thoughts in order. My poems have been shit, so I just keep deleting them. (Which of course a terrible thing to do and I blame technology, but that's a tangent for another day.)

I'm just so emotionally raw. It's no fun. I've been walking around today just trying not to cry, so I ended up being pretty zombie-like all day except for those few moments when words would trigger an emotional reaction. For example, I'm listening to The Magic Numbers, an amazing band, and one of the lines in their song "Love's a Game" is :

"And maybe I'm a fool for walking in line
And maybe I should have tried to leave this time
I'm an honest mistake that you made"

And...I just started crying. It makes no sense. I love this song and I haven't listened to it in a long time, so it's impact perhaps was greater. I have no reason to connect to these words either, it's so odd. I'm not going through a breakup or anything, which is basically what the song is about. I just don't know.

Technically, I wasn't sad all day. I did spend a significant amount of time being pissed off at anything that would normally just slightly irritate me. I'm a mess of emotions. Anyway, when I'm angry, I like to clean.

And, I mean CLEAN. I've been cleaning for a few hours now. I've been putting off, so now was a good time for a spring cleaning. I'm cleansing myself in many ways. I think everyone should clean when they're angry. It's the best way to work out your anger. You get to scrub and slam and get out all that negative energy in a positive way. It prevents you from doing something stupid and gives you time to think while keeping your hands busy. I don't go to a therapist, I attack the mess in my closet. It's pretty nice.

I just really wish I could write something though. There is nothing more satisfying than pinning my emotions down on a piece of paper and being able to move on. I just want to move on.

The only words that keep repeating when I attempt a poem are: Have you ever felt a part of you dying? It's the only thing I have to work with. The only way to describe how I feel...A part of me is dying, and it has been for a while. This day has been coming and I'm just trying to get through it. I'll be back soon, and hopefully, I'll be new.

I like serial killers.

Romance
Tease me, toy with me
Let's play a game
I'll cut you open
It's instant fame

Don't worry baby
I'll take it slow
You can put up a fight
But I'm ready to go


It seems like I've been listening to She Wants Revenge and yet, I haven't heard them all weekend. I don't know where this came from. Sometimes love is violent I suppose, wait....not violent, extreme? Yes, extreme. Also, I think I've been having too many Dexter fantasies and watching Pulp Fiction and True Romance only exacerbates the problem. I can appreciate a good bloody scene and some Tarantino wordplay.

At least I have writing as a way to vent. I wonder what would happen if I had no outlet. Would I be a serial killer? What an interesting thought...Perhaps. I think I could have been a badass serial killer. I wonder what my name/specialty would be...I'm pretty sure it would involve an array of knives and I would take lots of pictures. I would be my own crime scene photographer. I like that plan. Well, if ever I decide to become a serial killer, I know what I'll be known for.

Okay, I'm done being creepy :]

Mirror

Mirror by Sylvia Plath

I am silver and exact.
I have no preconceptions. What ever you see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful---
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart.
But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake.
A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day,
like a terrible fish.

I absolutely love this poem. I feel like Sylvia Plath and I would have gotten along. She would understand and we would listen to each other in our dark times. She knows what it's like to not trust yourself and feel like an outsider in your own skin. I would have fallen in love with her, if only because I thought I could fix her/make her happy. I would have done anything to make her smile, because I know she was just waiting for someone to care enough. Someone to come and take her pain away with a little love, with a little care. Sylvia and I would have survived only to keep each other from our own despair. Love borne out of need. Love is all we need. Why isn't there more love in this world? Everyone wants love, but it seems to be the one thing people lack. No one should go without love.

Hmm...another stream of consciousness piece. Sylvia Plath makes me a little depressed and yet, reminds me of beautiful things. Well, I'm done for now. I can't seem to stop pouring out my heart right now, good thing I decided to avoid phones and talking to people because I'm feeling much too truthful at the moment.

I hope you are all well and getting the love you deserve.
If not, remember that I love you. No matter what, I love you all.

<3
Laughing Boy

Destruction, Creation, Revelation

Destruction
I'm obsessed with your face
Won't you put it against mine?
Press you to me
Feel our lips entwine

The bottles have emptied
We've been left alone
Just one little touch
I'm yours to own

No sense in discussing
Our plans or emotions
Give in to destruction
Cause a commotion


Hello love...I am home once again. It's odd how nice it is to be home, considering that I got to spend five days in San Francisco. It just felt different this time.

Anyway...There has been quite a lot of information clouding my head and swirling around. I'm just a mess of too much information. It's getting to the point where I'm forgetting important details, because I would just rather not know. I was talking to my sister and she was telling me a story I heard before, but it may as well have been the first time. I think my subconscious is trying to protect me...how nice of it, but it's sort of confusing for me.

I made myself extremely ill yesterday and didn't get to sleep until after 7am, so today I woke up around 5pm, which happens to be a pretty crappy feeling. I hate it when I miss out on the sun, even in this relentless heat. The up side of all of this though, is that I have much more time to myself today. I'm home alone which never happens and I've been given time to think. It's actually a good thing for once! Today, I realized how lucky I am.

It's not everyone who gets to spend so much time enjoying life. I mean, I have school and I take care of my little brother, but it never feels like work. I've set up my life in such a way that it can all be enjoyable as long as I'm in the right state of mind and no one brings me down. I get to spend my days with an innocent little child who reminds me how amazing the world is and how much wonder there is in everything. I get to see through his eyes and play and be a kid for a while longer because I'm with him. It's pretty great. The school stuff is so minor sometimes that it doesn't even feel like school (until I forget to do an assignment and stress myself out =/).

All in all, today has been a good day. I'm learning to accept the good and bad together and realize that there is a silver lining to everything. It's all about how you look at it. Let's try to be optimistic! It's not easy for me, but I can try.

:]

Sin palabras...

Sin palabras
No se como empesar
solo se que quiero hablar.
Nunca sucede de este manera
Siempre tengo que batallar

Pero ahora....
Ahora ni tengo palabras.

For those of you who do not speak Spanish, here's a crappy non-rhyming translation:

Without words
I don't know how to begin
I just know that I want to speak
It never happens this way
I always have to put up a fight

But today...
Today I don't even have words.

That's pretty much it. It sounds better in Spanish. Sorry, I'm too lazy to translate it with prettier language, but at least my translation is correct. I hate incorrect translations when I'm watching movies in Spanish with subtitles. It's really annoying.

But what was my point? Ah yes...I'm speechless. The world manages to show another side of it's ugliness to me and I wish I could turn the other cheek. However, there's no escaping reality and there's no way to make it any better now. It's the kind of thing that when you find out how absolutely disgusting the truth is, you want to try to deny it and go back to the lies that were once so comfortable to accept.

I'm writing gibberish. I would explain it to you, but it's too personal and so depressing/infuriating that I had a lump in my throat (out of anger) when I heard. Basically, my family is a huge disappointment and there's one person in particular to blame for it all. I miss the simple days when I sat at the kid table for family get-togethers and didn't have to know family secrets.

Sigh.

From the Graveyard

Untitled (poem-like non-poem)
I'm sitting in a graveyard of my very own. A graveyard of faces, no...not true faces, but masks. Each with it's own perfectly painted smile. Each slowly losing color, slowly sagging into the earth, slowly losing their realistic sheen. I'm surround by my own face, mass produced to fool the masses, who produce massively to avoid looking too closely at anything.

The title? It's absolutely correct. It's not a poem and I don't expect you to think it is. I was writing and this sort of slipped out. Stream of consciousness is always interesting. I think certain people bring out a certain type of anger/angst in me...also interesting. Luckily, I get to channel this negativity and get rid of it constructively, oh how I thank thee Lord for the gift of art. Now, back to drinking heavily in the middle of the night, with only a cigarette and my thoughts.

-The boy who laughs

Words, writing, thoughts

Untitled
What a pretty age
Glorious to exist
Let's put it up on stage
See what makes it twitch

All we have to do is live forever
Just give them what they want
Say something clever
And give them all you've got

Words words words....when you look at them long enough, they lose their meaning. They cease to be a means of communication and become meaningless lines on a page.

I've been staring at the words on a page in the book I'm reading and I seem to have lost my powers of comprehension. Where do they go when they get lost?

I write and write, and still I find no meaning. I write and write, and the words fail me. I write and write, and the only reason to continue writing is to keep the madness at bay, to watch my thoughts become records of this very moment. I'm not actually going mad, I'm just opening myself up to the thoughts that are overlooked. The thoughts that poke at you and exist in a place outside of normal. Thoughts that would cause others to look to you with concern, because we have all been taught to control these thoughts and prevent ourselves from thinking so. Thoughts that play in your periphery and form chains that would carry you to far off places. I write to allow these thoughts some time in the sun, time to be free of restraints. I write to remember these thoughts before they run off to join thoughts far away, far from here.

I decided, no I never decided...I surrendered to my thoughts and this is what comes of surrender. It may not make any sense, but what is the use of sense.

Yours as always,

Laughing Boy

Some of my favorite quotes...

I've lost my patience for the internet and for all these websites that are meant to connect us. I decided to rely less on technology and more on real-life experiences because I'm only missing out on bigger and better things. If I want to detach from reality, I can pick up a book or watch a movie. So, I deleted my myspace page, but I wanted to save some things I collected there. I am a collector of words. I love quotes, and I love to feel the connection to people in the past who have felt things I have felt, and thought about things the way I have thought about things. I makes me feel as though I'm not quite so alone and perhaps I'm not as crazy as I think I am. Here is what I saved:

"It is better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
-Emiliano Zapata

"Think for yourself and question authority."
-Timothy Leary

"She was a manic depressive named laughing boy."
-Modest Mouse

"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past."
-Christopher McCandless

"I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues."
-Dr. Seuss

"Mefiez-vous des apparences, Ca n'a aucun sens."
-"Burger Queen" by Placebo

"Do not let dreams die, for without them, life is like a broken-winged bird that cannot fly."
-Langston Hughes

"And there never was an apple, in Adam's opinion, that wasn't worth the trouble you got into for eating it."
-Neil Gaiman

"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."
-John/Savage

"Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace. Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better."
-Palahniuk

"What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were alive right now? Clawing at the lid of her coffin."
-Palahniuk

"There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where no one intudes,
By the deep sea and the music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
-Lord Byron

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
-Jack Kerouac

"You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore..."
- Neil Gaiman

And just for fun:
"I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man, Mikey. You're a bad man, bad man."
-Trent, Swingers

That is all for this installment of the randomness that is me.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

How I missed thee...let me count the ways.

Well, we can skip that. I've been busy for once, haha. I went to the Electric Daisy Carnival, I went hiking a few times, visited my friend in LA, went to Disneyland, and of course have been taking care of children. Caring for my little brother recently included a trip to the ER, when he developed a fever of 103.3 at 11PM, so of course we didn't get home until 4AM.

And might I say...emergency rooms are quite an interesting place to sit for five hours. I saw many strange characters and heard many disturbing stories. It was unreal, I would love to tell you the most outrageous story, but I feel that it would be an invasion of privacy for the poor family involved. It was something to witness though.

Here's something I wrote while I was there:

Your Music
I can hear your music
Buzzing, blazing, burning
When i listen with my heart
I can feel the twisting, turning

Ignore the audience
You focus on the beat
It's like I don't exist
The song is on repeat, repeat

I was thinking about oh so many things as I sat there waiting. I'm a very empathetic person. I can literally feel the emotions of a room if they are strong enough or if I make the effort. It was quite draining to be there and feel so much from the people there...just waiting. I don't even know how much of the poem is me and yet it is quite obviously about someone I know.

I never did do things the traditional way though. Why not enter an emotionally unstable environment and absorb the room's energy? Let's do it. I suppose I can't complain that I was bored though. Well, I'm done boring you, whoever you are that bothers to read this.

Have a great day, I'm off to care for a sickling and get some sleep.
=]

PS. Tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 20 and officially leave my teenage years behind. Sigh.

I'm pinned to the earth

Pinned to the earth
1:There's a fire in the sky
And I'm pinned to the earth
You keep coming by
With your heart in reverse

But I won't look
Because I've know hurt

2:You were blowing a cold wind
Staring up into the sky
And I kept coming by
Quoting every loving verse

It seemed you didn't care
And I was hurt

1: A chill caught up to me
Thrilling to my bones
I finally looked up to see
But you weren't alone

You were holding her hand
And it left me bruised

2: Like every dream I ever had
I had to wake up sometime
There was a fire in the sky
But we were on the ground

I had to go on
And let go of the pain

1: I was a step behind
And so, I missed the mark
My heart was blind
I was running from the spark

So you walked on
What did I learn?
And we both hurt


It's sort of like a duet, but I don't know...I think I lost my mojo. This one doesn't translate well. I guess you would have to hear it the way I imagine it, because it sounds stupid otherwise. I have so much to say, but I have to go to sleep before I collapse. Hopefully, I'll have time to write something more interesting soon. My world is just upside down.

Past life fun

I got the link to this website from Charleston Daily Photo blog to get a past life diagnosis. I always have fun imagining what sort of past lives I might have had, if such things do exist. I'm just fond of daydreaming I suppose and these are quite interesting to read too. I think I've been having too much fun reading Alice in Wonderland and Through the Looking Glass, they just give your imagination that extra little push. c:

Your past life diagnosis:

---

I don't know how you feel about it, but you were male in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Egypt around the year 1850. Your profession was that of a medic, surgeon or herbalist.

---

Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Ruthless character, carefully weighing his decisions in critical situations, with excellent self-control and strong will. Such people are generally liked, but not always loved.

---

The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
Your lesson is to study, to practice and to use the wisdom that lies within the psychological sciences and in ancient manuscripts. With strong faith and hard work you will reach your real destiny in your present life.

---

Do you remember now?

Why, not at all. I wish I could insert a Cheshire cat smile, that's what is necessary here. How about a C:

A few forgotten lines

I'm the girl that pulls the shot for your coffee
And combs the tangles from your hair
I greet you with the sunrise every morning
Then, kiss you in the night air

I forgot about this one the other day...Now it will never have a real end. Ah well.

I hope you enjoy the picture above, I took it with my camera phone a week ago. The sky has been so interesting to watch lately, it's moody and never quite the same. I don't understand people who can't appreciate this weather, but to each his own. I'm going adventuring so I should have some more interesting tales soon.

"And those things do best please me, that do befall preposterously."
-Puck also known as Robin Goodfellow, A Midsummer Night's Dream

I do enjoy the mischief of that "merry wanderer of the night." c:

A bad back and so much more...

Much More
So much more, So much more
I could love you so much more
Just close that door
Close that door
End all that there was before
'Cause I could love you so much more

He's saying sweet nothings to you
I know you think you love him too
But I could love you so much more
So much more, So much more
Just close that door
Close that door

These are the times when I wish I could play guitar or piano. I mean, I write these little things and I can hear them in my head, but I have no way to translate them. I need to stop being lame and just learn an instrument. I think I'm just feeling frustrated because I'm cut off from my usual creative outlet. I miss my camera, so I've resorted to using a camera phone. It worked out for the style of pictures I took, like the one above, because I wanted the worn photo look and I used Poladroid (Thank you Carraol!). I just miss having my camera and I've been without it for almost two months now! It's just insane.

And now, for more bad news...I injured my back, so I've been highly unproductive and surly. I spent the day trying to keep my back from killing me and icing it. This proved to be quite a difficult day, since I'm a nanny. My one-year-old little brother doesn't care if my back is screwed up, so I didn't really get to relax. However, I did rock him to sleep for his nap and I received a blissful hour of tea-drinking, quiet time.

They're saving the Polaroid!

I sadly do not have a Polaroid camera, but I would have one if film were still made for them. Well, I may just have to buy one soon because there is hope! Someone wants to manufacture film for an instant analog camera in an age of digital instant gratification?! YES!

A beautiful beautiful soul in the Netherlands has taken it upon himself to save Polaroids from extinction. He has acquired an old manufacturing plant where Polaroids were made up until last year when they were discontinued. He has so far collected a team of scientists to help him recreate the chemicals needed for the film (because production of these chemicals was halted years in ago and Polaroid had stockpiled the chemicals instead). So once the chemical processes are refined and the plant is up and running we will once again be able to experience the magic of the Polaroid.

No other cameras truly capture a once in a lifetime moment the way that Polaroids do, and this appreciation for the power of the Polaroid may just save it. So if you have missed them, just be ready to snatch up the film packs when they return triumphantly.

Read the full New York Times article here.

I'm already tired of me

Let's talk about something more interesting? Good...I may just have to change the whole focus of this blog. Then again, I guess the fact that it rambles and has no particular focus is more my style. I mean, I already have one poem and two little random ramblings. Let's talk about things that amaze me...

The first in this particular series is Arch Rock on Mackinac Island, Michigan.
I love all things mythical and legends. I'm fascinated by the imagination of people and the stories they told to try to make sense of their own existence. I'm a bit strange, I know. This is why I was drawn to Arch Rock and it's story when I was going through a travel magazine today.

Arch Rock is a formation 146 feet above the shore, which formed over thousands of years of erosion. Wind and water wore away the soft rock, leaving the arch which spans fifty feet at its widest point. From certain angles, it appears as if the arch is suspended in the air.

But the story is the Ojibwe Indian's story of how the formation was created. From my issue of Budget Traveler, the story is that the Indians in the area believed that the Great Creator "blew life into the world through the hole."

I also found a story on Indians.org, which made me want to find more. Sadly, the information on this legend is quite scarce. I wish I could find more, but here is what Indians.org had to say about it.

Many winters ago, the sun would disappear into an immense hole somewhere in the distant west, just as the stars came out. A chief of the Ottawa nation committed a shameful act and angered the Master of Life. In punishment, he sent a powerful wind upon the earth and the hills trembled and the waters roared. This lasted a whole day and even the sun was disturbed. It shot up through the sky until it stood frozen in the center, shocked by the chief's actions. All the people were shocked and watched the sun as it turned to the color of blood. Then, it fell from the sky and with a terrifying noise, struck the shore on Mackinac Island. When the people dared to look again, they saw that the rocks had been made into an arch that hung high above the lake. The sun had fallen through the opening in the rock and plunged below the surface of the earth. It came out the next day from the east and made its usual journey. To this day, the Ottawa people do not walk across the arch and few even go near it.

Absolutely fascinating. I love this story and the place itself looks beautiful. I hope you enjoyed that little story. =]

Photo 1
Photo 2 and Mackinac State Historic Parks
Indians.org

Get a life...

Yea, that's on my to do list.

I have a life that has been specially formulated to make me socially retarded and untroubled by spending all my time at home. If don't make an effort to, I never have to leave the house at all. I'm like that kid from Sixteen Candles and his parents have to force him to go to prom. It's that bad sometimes and it doesn't help that my world is so well-contained here.

I live with my family because I'm broke. I also somehow ended up being co-nanny for my one-year-old brother since I was just lying around and I just ended up helping. I don't have a real job because I would have no way of getting there unless it is really close to home. I go to school online because I don't have my license/a car. The license is my fault because I also seem to not like driving; this adds to my social awkwardness because apparently being a teenager who is legally allowed to drive should make me automatically love/want to drive. I just don't like it and I wish I did because it would just make life so much easier. Plus, I wouldn't have to let other people who drive like asses drive me around.

Since, I spend a lot of time online for school, I also end up spending a lot of time online to socialize. I have real friends of course, I'm not a weirdo in a basement getting food delivered and not going out into the sunlight. I have many real friends, but many of them don't live nearby and the ones that do have schedules that conflict with my time out of the cave. I don't know how many times my friends and I make plans to hang out before it actually happens. This leads me to spend way too much time talking to people online. I would feel bad for myself, but I have met some of the coolest people this way. One of my newest friends, I made on AIM and he is one of the coolest people I've talked to in a while. Luckily, I can also confirm he isn't just some creep.

I guess, I just need to snap myself out of it. What else is there to do?
I can't expect for my social awkwardness to magically disappear or to go out more without making some sort of effort. I just need the right kind of motivation. For example, I am not a club kind of person, which is one of the reasons I hardly go out, I mean what else do people my age do in LA? Most of the people I could be hanging out with are at this very moment at a club doing coke off some bathroom counter. No thanks, I'm good. Luckily, I have friends who know how to enjoy a good hike, go to the beach, or just hang out and listen to music. I just need more of them to have better schedules.

Of course, I don't mind staying home to read a book or watch a movie. I can do it all by myself and have no problem with it. I'm quite a solitary creature. A vida nunca é exatamente a maneira que você quer porque algo sempre parece melhor. Did I mention that I can use Babelfish? =]

Let's Be Friends

Let's be Friends

When summer ends
And children grow
Lift your dress
Your turn to show

In the dark, talking low
Under cover, where no one knows

Let's be friends, Let's be friends, Let's be friends

Offering your heart to me
The first mistake you made, you see
I can't accept, I don't agree
There never was a you and me

Holding hands, you didn't see
It was no more than empathy

And I hope that we can just be friends
Let's be friends, Let's be friends, Let's be friends

You took me to your double bed
Playing games with my dumb head
I never saw the clothes you shed
You never heard a word I said

I couldn't look into your eyes
Who's losing in this compromise?

And I hope that we can still be friends
Let's be friends, Let's be friends, Let's be friends

We are merely children still
As we sit under the windowsill
Staring up into the sky
How did it get up so high?

The stars, they wink as they go by
It's our chance to say goodbye

All that's left is for us to be friends
Let's be friends, Let's be friends, Let's be friends

I actually wrote this yesterday, but I wanted to post it here.
It's pretty clear what it's about and I needed to get things off my chest.

Another beginning...

What to say?

I suppose that is the whole point of this. I'm a feeler and a thinker. When others tell stories about the past, I remember the way I felt, but the actual event. I have a strange type of memory that doesn't always include words or explanations. So there is a need to be met.

I could never keep diaries or remember to write down whatever profound things occur to me in the middle of the night. I can, however, try to keep track of it all. Keep a folder of my thoughts, though it may only be a small cross section of what my mind experiences. This has nothing to do with others or gaining attention. I simply want to be able to look back and put dates and places and any other details that I can, to the memories that I make.

I may not keep it updated. I will probably abuse this blog and ignore it for months, but I hope it can grow with me. I hope I can write out my thoughts the way I would tell them to my best friend. I want to grow to love this little creation that I can call mine in this web of connections that people have made.

What I wanted to say was, that this was a blog about a girl. A girl with too many thoughts for one head and too many emotions for one heart. I feel before I think, and this tends to leave me scarred, but I don't have the heart to change. I'm a girl with two faces, the one I wear for myself and the one that takes it place when I walk out into the world.

I'm the girl that is scared to forget all the little moments in my life, but I'm dying to forget some of the largest events.I hate being the center of attention, but I don't mind writing a blog that a few people may stumble across. I also secretly hope that these people will like me, but I don't expect that I will make sense to anyone else.

"Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be"

-Billy Joel