I don't care that I care

I have this poster of a band
I never saw and never heard
I cut out all the information
And put it on display

They may have been good
Or probably bad
But the picture is pretty anyway

There's no excuse for growing up
And losing touch, like we all do
It's a condition no one fights
We just go on to what's new

I had this cat I found
I never loved and never named
She died after three days
And I buried her in the tiniest grave

I didn't feel the sting
I meant nothing to her
And she meant nothing...to me

There's no excuse for growing upAnd losing touch, like we all do
It's a condition no one fights
We just go on to what's new

I'm spending too much time alone
Save me from my empty home

There was this girl once
She pretended to love me
I pretended right back
And it didn't last

I was one of many
And when it was over
I looked back
And it all seemed kind of funny

There's no excuse for growing up
And losing touch, like we all do
It's a condition no one fights
We just go on to what's new

I'm spending too much time alone
Save me from the metronome

Monsters

Monsters under the bed
Speak, breathe
In the darkness
They seethe

Feed them all the children
Chomp, gnash
With claws
They lash

Escape them if you can
Run, hide
Across the distance
They ride

Monsters lie in wait
Sneak, creep
Into dreams
They seep

Rain, rain don't go away

Rain

It's finally raining
Like the night that we met
All I can do is listen to Brand New
And think of the old times with you

I've been waiting so long
To feel that chill on my skin
As the sky lets loose on me
But I forgot how to let it in

I just need to feel clean again
As the water flows over my veins
Where they carry messages to my brain
And I'll never feel uncertain

And I'm certain
The messages were all the same
This dirty body wants to meet yours
Exactly as it did before
When everything felt so pure

The rain just sounds so different tonight
It's not the same as the first time
No it's heavy, instead of light

I've been waiting so long
To feel that chill on my skin
As the sky lets loose on me
But I forgot how to let it in


I just need to feel clean again
As the water flows over my veins
Where they carry messages to my brain
And I'll never feel uncertain

And I'm certain
That everything will turn out fine
Keep feeding that same old line
That everything will turn out fine

Mark said

Mark said he loves me
And I believed him
I said I love you too
Guess I deceived him

Mark is a nice guy
Oh yea, he's great
My problem is you're,
The one I love to hate

I walked home this morning
Found Mark in bed
He looked so peaceful
But I pictured you in instead

Oh no...

Mark is a nice guy
Oh yea, he's great
I thought I loved him
But it wasn't fate

And now I dream of you
Can't get you off my mind
Too bad you don't know
That you're just my kind

I wonder,
If you knew,
Is it possible,
You could love me too?

Mark said he loves me
And I believed him
I said I love you too
Guess I deceived him...


Pop/Ambient Surf song now? In my head, it sounds like Best Coast or The Like. I don't know, none of the stuff that pops in my head lately sounds like a poem, it all sounds like songs. Maybe it's a sign that I need to start a band. But I got to have an all girl ensemble with some badass chicks...too bad I play no instrument at all :/

Blahblahblah

Laughing Boy

"I think I can"

I don't want to be your pillow
Something you lay upon at night
I have to feel some emotion
Something to make it worth a fight

You're just a boy
Pretending to be my man
And I'm a woman
Who needs more than "I think I can"

I don't want to be your pillow
Something you lay upon at night
I want a new adventure
Full of love, and full of light

Oh yea, it feels good in your arms
You make it feel like you care
But I know you better than that baby
So let's play this game fair

You're just a boy
Pretending to be my man
And I'm a woman
Who needs more than "I think I can"


I feel like I'm writing country music songs all the sudden. I still fucking love it.
laughing boy says smile :]

You aren't real.

I think I wanted to love you
Because my poor heart forgot how to feel
It was like trying to lift a fog
But the sunshine wasn't real

So just hold me for a moment
Pretend that you care
I need some little touch
To remember that you're there

It's hard to know
Where we'll end up next
It feels like were going in circles
But our paths never connect

Let you go, let you go
I'm trying to untie the rope
Just ease your grip
There's no more hope

I loved a thought
But it left an empty space
And the void is harder to erase




I can't seem to get rid of you. Go away.

Warmth and happiness,

Laughing Boy

Dreaming

I want to feel you,
But I'm afraid to.
You're all I want
And all I can't have

When did I wake,
And when did I fall asleep?
Am I still dreaming,
Will you tell me when it's over?

The moon is here
The sun is out
You were standing on a hill
So I ran up

But everytime I get there you disappear
Everytime I get there you disappear
You disappear
And I never seem to get there

When did I wake,
And when did I fall asleep?
Am I still dreaming,
Will you tell me when it's over?



I'm barely posting this on the 22nd, despite writing it on the 15th. It didn't seem complete and now I can't bear to change it. Hopefully it makes sense as is and I'm also hoping I'll be able to start writing again soon. I feel like that's been missing from my life for quite a while now. Anyway, this is also very true of how I've been feeling lately and it's not about any particular person. Luckily, things are looking a little better.

Tons of love to you,
<3 Laughing Boy

One day, Madness

One day, I will go mad
I'll wear my favorite books
And eat the pages I don't like
The words will have lost meaning
But my stomach will speak
The lines that created me

One day, I will lose my mind
People will whisper around me
And I will pretend I cannot hear
Voices will speak to me
Unaccompanied by mouth or conscience
And I will be the greatest listener

One day, I will forget all I know
When the world leaves me
All will cease to matter
I'll call myself bread and forget to sleep
Survival will become instinct
And I'll become a feral creature once again

Your sword hit me in the truth

Untitled
Let's make some destruction
Just try to keep control
Take your finger off the button
It can't keep you whole

The world is headed for disaster
And you're still strapped in
It's going faster and faster
There's no cure for our sins

"Eight of Swords
You are too independent and others feel they cannot get close to you. People feel they bring nothing to your life and do not understand why you would want them around. Too focused on one's own goals. Feeling of freedom, but also have not formed ties. You come across as though no one could ever fool you. A little full of yourself."

Shit, am I really that bad? I always get stuff like this and I can never tell how true it is because I'm too chicken to get someone else's opinion in fear that it might be confirmed.

Interestingly enough I pulled this tarot yesterday, on a day that I was avoiding seeing my guy friend. He was texting all day with me and wanted to hang out, so I talked him out of it because I was feeling smothered. It's pretty awful considering I haven't even seen him in two weeks. I just can't handle it and I'm getting stir crazy.

It's not that I don't care though, because I really do. The problem is I probably care too much, so I get irritated with myself and the whole situation which allows me to pull back a little. When I give myself enough time to think and postpone the feelings part, I end up wanting to stop the whole thing and get the hell out of there.

Ugh, I frustrate myself. I guess we'll see whether either one of us really gives a shit when I'm gone for a month. Will he still text constantly when he can't get in my pants? That is the question.

Stop being a cynic dammit! It's bad for you...but I can't help it.
Let's go do something fun and forget our troubles? OK!

You're lovely by the way :]

Debbie Downer makes Owlettes

Untitled, Unfinished
There's nothing left in this world
Nothing to take, or give
The skies are gone, the ground gave way
Not even oxygen to live

Yet, here you remain
With your memories of sun
And thoughts of those you loved
But what to do with these,
when the world's come undone?

Recall the warmth of life
Leaves that changed with season
The chill that a breeze sent up your spine
Stars that acted as your beacon


I'm having trouble finishing things lately. I have a lot of unfinished poems, projects, meals...

I feel like part of me is slowly falling back into a depression. I've been getting the urge to cry a lot more lately for no particular reason and I've been letting my mind wander to particularly dark thoughts. I even had a panic attack a few weeks ago. I can't remember when, but it was one of the worst I've ever had.

I'm fighting it with all I have though. I'm working out as often as I can manage, which is almost daily. Sometimes I get too lazy and talk myself out of it, but there is still part of me always fighting for it because I know that it helps. The endorphins obviously help keep me from getting down.

The past few days have been tough though. I've been letting the darkness eat me up and prevent me from doing things to make it better. I just let myself fall into it for a while, but on the upside that time made me see some things differently. The perspective is good and bad at the same time, but overall it might help me.

On the brighter side, I've been making these little owls (pictured above, duh)--owlettes to be exact. They are the cutest things and I love making them. They're a good distraction and their adorableness is a good reminder to just smile sometimes. Smile dammit! It's good for you.

I hope they make you smile too.

I like serial killers.

Romance
Tease me, toy with me
Let's play a game
I'll cut you open
It's instant fame

Don't worry baby
I'll take it slow
You can put up a fight
But I'm ready to go


It seems like I've been listening to She Wants Revenge and yet, I haven't heard them all weekend. I don't know where this came from. Sometimes love is violent I suppose, wait....not violent, extreme? Yes, extreme. Also, I think I've been having too many Dexter fantasies and watching Pulp Fiction and True Romance only exacerbates the problem. I can appreciate a good bloody scene and some Tarantino wordplay.

At least I have writing as a way to vent. I wonder what would happen if I had no outlet. Would I be a serial killer? What an interesting thought...Perhaps. I think I could have been a badass serial killer. I wonder what my name/specialty would be...I'm pretty sure it would involve an array of knives and I would take lots of pictures. I would be my own crime scene photographer. I like that plan. Well, if ever I decide to become a serial killer, I know what I'll be known for.

Okay, I'm done being creepy :]

Mirror

Mirror by Sylvia Plath

I am silver and exact.
I have no preconceptions. What ever you see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful---
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart.
But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake.
A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day,
like a terrible fish.

I absolutely love this poem. I feel like Sylvia Plath and I would have gotten along. She would understand and we would listen to each other in our dark times. She knows what it's like to not trust yourself and feel like an outsider in your own skin. I would have fallen in love with her, if only because I thought I could fix her/make her happy. I would have done anything to make her smile, because I know she was just waiting for someone to care enough. Someone to come and take her pain away with a little love, with a little care. Sylvia and I would have survived only to keep each other from our own despair. Love borne out of need. Love is all we need. Why isn't there more love in this world? Everyone wants love, but it seems to be the one thing people lack. No one should go without love.

Hmm...another stream of consciousness piece. Sylvia Plath makes me a little depressed and yet, reminds me of beautiful things. Well, I'm done for now. I can't seem to stop pouring out my heart right now, good thing I decided to avoid phones and talking to people because I'm feeling much too truthful at the moment.

I hope you are all well and getting the love you deserve.
If not, remember that I love you. No matter what, I love you all.

<3
Laughing Boy

Destruction, Creation, Revelation

Destruction
I'm obsessed with your face
Won't you put it against mine?
Press you to me
Feel our lips entwine

The bottles have emptied
We've been left alone
Just one little touch
I'm yours to own

No sense in discussing
Our plans or emotions
Give in to destruction
Cause a commotion


Hello love...I am home once again. It's odd how nice it is to be home, considering that I got to spend five days in San Francisco. It just felt different this time.

Anyway...There has been quite a lot of information clouding my head and swirling around. I'm just a mess of too much information. It's getting to the point where I'm forgetting important details, because I would just rather not know. I was talking to my sister and she was telling me a story I heard before, but it may as well have been the first time. I think my subconscious is trying to protect me...how nice of it, but it's sort of confusing for me.

I made myself extremely ill yesterday and didn't get to sleep until after 7am, so today I woke up around 5pm, which happens to be a pretty crappy feeling. I hate it when I miss out on the sun, even in this relentless heat. The up side of all of this though, is that I have much more time to myself today. I'm home alone which never happens and I've been given time to think. It's actually a good thing for once! Today, I realized how lucky I am.

It's not everyone who gets to spend so much time enjoying life. I mean, I have school and I take care of my little brother, but it never feels like work. I've set up my life in such a way that it can all be enjoyable as long as I'm in the right state of mind and no one brings me down. I get to spend my days with an innocent little child who reminds me how amazing the world is and how much wonder there is in everything. I get to see through his eyes and play and be a kid for a while longer because I'm with him. It's pretty great. The school stuff is so minor sometimes that it doesn't even feel like school (until I forget to do an assignment and stress myself out =/).

All in all, today has been a good day. I'm learning to accept the good and bad together and realize that there is a silver lining to everything. It's all about how you look at it. Let's try to be optimistic! It's not easy for me, but I can try.

:]

Sin palabras...

Sin palabras
No se como empesar
solo se que quiero hablar.
Nunca sucede de este manera
Siempre tengo que batallar

Pero ahora....
Ahora ni tengo palabras.

For those of you who do not speak Spanish, here's a crappy non-rhyming translation:

Without words
I don't know how to begin
I just know that I want to speak
It never happens this way
I always have to put up a fight

But today...
Today I don't even have words.

That's pretty much it. It sounds better in Spanish. Sorry, I'm too lazy to translate it with prettier language, but at least my translation is correct. I hate incorrect translations when I'm watching movies in Spanish with subtitles. It's really annoying.

But what was my point? Ah yes...I'm speechless. The world manages to show another side of it's ugliness to me and I wish I could turn the other cheek. However, there's no escaping reality and there's no way to make it any better now. It's the kind of thing that when you find out how absolutely disgusting the truth is, you want to try to deny it and go back to the lies that were once so comfortable to accept.

I'm writing gibberish. I would explain it to you, but it's too personal and so depressing/infuriating that I had a lump in my throat (out of anger) when I heard. Basically, my family is a huge disappointment and there's one person in particular to blame for it all. I miss the simple days when I sat at the kid table for family get-togethers and didn't have to know family secrets.

Sigh.

From the Graveyard

Untitled (poem-like non-poem)
I'm sitting in a graveyard of my very own. A graveyard of faces, no...not true faces, but masks. Each with it's own perfectly painted smile. Each slowly losing color, slowly sagging into the earth, slowly losing their realistic sheen. I'm surround by my own face, mass produced to fool the masses, who produce massively to avoid looking too closely at anything.

The title? It's absolutely correct. It's not a poem and I don't expect you to think it is. I was writing and this sort of slipped out. Stream of consciousness is always interesting. I think certain people bring out a certain type of anger/angst in me...also interesting. Luckily, I get to channel this negativity and get rid of it constructively, oh how I thank thee Lord for the gift of art. Now, back to drinking heavily in the middle of the night, with only a cigarette and my thoughts.

-The boy who laughs

Words, writing, thoughts

Untitled
What a pretty age
Glorious to exist
Let's put it up on stage
See what makes it twitch

All we have to do is live forever
Just give them what they want
Say something clever
And give them all you've got

Words words words....when you look at them long enough, they lose their meaning. They cease to be a means of communication and become meaningless lines on a page.

I've been staring at the words on a page in the book I'm reading and I seem to have lost my powers of comprehension. Where do they go when they get lost?

I write and write, and still I find no meaning. I write and write, and the words fail me. I write and write, and the only reason to continue writing is to keep the madness at bay, to watch my thoughts become records of this very moment. I'm not actually going mad, I'm just opening myself up to the thoughts that are overlooked. The thoughts that poke at you and exist in a place outside of normal. Thoughts that would cause others to look to you with concern, because we have all been taught to control these thoughts and prevent ourselves from thinking so. Thoughts that play in your periphery and form chains that would carry you to far off places. I write to allow these thoughts some time in the sun, time to be free of restraints. I write to remember these thoughts before they run off to join thoughts far away, far from here.

I decided, no I never decided...I surrendered to my thoughts and this is what comes of surrender. It may not make any sense, but what is the use of sense.

Yours as always,

Laughing Boy

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

How I missed thee...let me count the ways.

Well, we can skip that. I've been busy for once, haha. I went to the Electric Daisy Carnival, I went hiking a few times, visited my friend in LA, went to Disneyland, and of course have been taking care of children. Caring for my little brother recently included a trip to the ER, when he developed a fever of 103.3 at 11PM, so of course we didn't get home until 4AM.

And might I say...emergency rooms are quite an interesting place to sit for five hours. I saw many strange characters and heard many disturbing stories. It was unreal, I would love to tell you the most outrageous story, but I feel that it would be an invasion of privacy for the poor family involved. It was something to witness though.

Here's something I wrote while I was there:

Your Music
I can hear your music
Buzzing, blazing, burning
When i listen with my heart
I can feel the twisting, turning

Ignore the audience
You focus on the beat
It's like I don't exist
The song is on repeat, repeat

I was thinking about oh so many things as I sat there waiting. I'm a very empathetic person. I can literally feel the emotions of a room if they are strong enough or if I make the effort. It was quite draining to be there and feel so much from the people there...just waiting. I don't even know how much of the poem is me and yet it is quite obviously about someone I know.

I never did do things the traditional way though. Why not enter an emotionally unstable environment and absorb the room's energy? Let's do it. I suppose I can't complain that I was bored though. Well, I'm done boring you, whoever you are that bothers to read this.

Have a great day, I'm off to care for a sickling and get some sleep.
=]

PS. Tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 20 and officially leave my teenage years behind. Sigh.

I'm pinned to the earth

Pinned to the earth
1:There's a fire in the sky
And I'm pinned to the earth
You keep coming by
With your heart in reverse

But I won't look
Because I've know hurt

2:You were blowing a cold wind
Staring up into the sky
And I kept coming by
Quoting every loving verse

It seemed you didn't care
And I was hurt

1: A chill caught up to me
Thrilling to my bones
I finally looked up to see
But you weren't alone

You were holding her hand
And it left me bruised

2: Like every dream I ever had
I had to wake up sometime
There was a fire in the sky
But we were on the ground

I had to go on
And let go of the pain

1: I was a step behind
And so, I missed the mark
My heart was blind
I was running from the spark

So you walked on
What did I learn?
And we both hurt


It's sort of like a duet, but I don't know...I think I lost my mojo. This one doesn't translate well. I guess you would have to hear it the way I imagine it, because it sounds stupid otherwise. I have so much to say, but I have to go to sleep before I collapse. Hopefully, I'll have time to write something more interesting soon. My world is just upside down.

A few forgotten lines

I'm the girl that pulls the shot for your coffee
And combs the tangles from your hair
I greet you with the sunrise every morning
Then, kiss you in the night air

I forgot about this one the other day...Now it will never have a real end. Ah well.

I hope you enjoy the picture above, I took it with my camera phone a week ago. The sky has been so interesting to watch lately, it's moody and never quite the same. I don't understand people who can't appreciate this weather, but to each his own. I'm going adventuring so I should have some more interesting tales soon.

"And those things do best please me, that do befall preposterously."
-Puck also known as Robin Goodfellow, A Midsummer Night's Dream

I do enjoy the mischief of that "merry wanderer of the night." c:

A bad back and so much more...

Much More
So much more, So much more
I could love you so much more
Just close that door
Close that door
End all that there was before
'Cause I could love you so much more

He's saying sweet nothings to you
I know you think you love him too
But I could love you so much more
So much more, So much more
Just close that door
Close that door

These are the times when I wish I could play guitar or piano. I mean, I write these little things and I can hear them in my head, but I have no way to translate them. I need to stop being lame and just learn an instrument. I think I'm just feeling frustrated because I'm cut off from my usual creative outlet. I miss my camera, so I've resorted to using a camera phone. It worked out for the style of pictures I took, like the one above, because I wanted the worn photo look and I used Poladroid (Thank you Carraol!). I just miss having my camera and I've been without it for almost two months now! It's just insane.

And now, for more bad news...I injured my back, so I've been highly unproductive and surly. I spent the day trying to keep my back from killing me and icing it. This proved to be quite a difficult day, since I'm a nanny. My one-year-old little brother doesn't care if my back is screwed up, so I didn't really get to relax. However, I did rock him to sleep for his nap and I received a blissful hour of tea-drinking, quiet time.