Tuesday, August 31, 2010
So tonight, I'm listening to Radiohead, which is my gateway drug to Modest Mouse, etc. You may think, "So what?" But, if you knew me, you would be worried. I'm a little worried.
It's not the bands' fault, they're just a sign. When I listen to them, it means that something is going on, a profound change in me. I will wake up as someone new. And that is a wonderful, beautiful, terrifying thing. Change is bittersweet and I am terrible with feelings simply because I feel too much. It's gonna be a long night.
I guess, it all comes down to being afraid. Afraid of facing myself and really looking at the mess I am. I've made a lot of progress and yet I'm still miles from where I want to be mentally, physically, and the whopper of all, emotionally.
I feel lonely and I dream of finding the person that will fill that gap and make me whole. But in reality I'm that person. I am the only person that can make me happy, but why can't I let myself do it? See? This is what I mean, I know the problems, I just don't understand how to fix them. The other thing is, I feel alone, yet there is no one I can think of being with, no one that inspires me to reach out of my isolation. I've always been a hermit, this is me. I never make that first contact with my friends, they call me and sometimes, I don't even respond. Why am I so happy to be left alone, yet left with some yearning for contact with the outside world?
I should just build my shack in the woods and accept it, I am a recluse destined to raise many cats.
I don't know what to feel anymore.