It's funny...funny how emotions change and what we thought we wanted becomes irrelevant. For the longest time, I thought I wanted a relationship and I thought you were who I wanted to be with. It seemed so easy and it made sense at the time. You were never jealous or overbearing and you let me have my own life while still being there for me. These are all the things I always imagined I needed in a boyfriend because I tend to run when I get too comfortable with someone. I don't like to be vulnerable, and I didn't have to give that up.
It's so hard to get all these thoughts organized, I have so much to say and I never seem to know how to say it. I'm terrible with words. I suppose, I could just let myself cry and have everything pour out of me raw and unedited, but then I would have to cry in front of you. I can't seem to do that either.
I liked you once. I really cared about you and wanted you to be mine. The problem is I didn't know how to express this without feeling like I would ruin what we had. I liked things simple and uncomplicated by discussions about emotion. Plus, I didn't want to be the girl who falls for you, when I knew I shouldn't, when you warned me not to. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop it forever and when I realized what happened I had to stuff those feelings away.
I didn't want to feel anything for you. It was supposed to be fun and simple, no entanglement and no regret. So, I told myself to stop liking you and get over it. The problem with that is that now I feel nothing for you. Well, not completely nothing, I guess you sort of irritate me now. Your input in my conversations feels like intrusion and I wish you would go away. I'm hoping it's just a phase, because although I want to scratch you out of my life, you're still an important part of it. I will always remember you and I don't want my memories tainted because of my own issues.
It's sort of like I'm breaking up with you. We never exactly were a couple, but we did blur those lines and now it's time to set those lines in stone. I'm sorry if this is confusing for you, because I would really like to remain friends. I think you're a really great person, but I know now that you're not the person for me.
Oh, and I met someone who actually gives a flying fuck about me.
PS. Fuck you asshole, and thanks for wasting 9 months of my life.
PPS. We're still cool right? I know, I know...I hate me too.
PPPS. Lyrics from I Know It's Over by The Smiths
I know it's over
and it never really began
but in my heart it was so real
They fit so perfectly for me right now.