Monday, November 23, 2009
I've realized something tonight. All it took was a quick trip down memory lane via my former blog on Xanga. Wow...It made me feel old and lame.
The last time I updated my Xanga was in 2005! It only had the lifespan of a couple of years, but it covered some very important events in my formative years. I was starting high school and separated from my best friend by a few states. I lost two best friends and a few others to baby-mama drama and had severe depression.
High school was so fun for me. Jesus, it's a wonder I'm still here at all. Anyway, I learned quite a bit from this stroll down memory lane. I am, like most humans, a creature that seeks to repeat patterns developed from childhood experiences. This can be a terrible thing.
Think about how many people enjoy spanking as adults...yea, it's a bit perverse.
Now, from reading the pathetic rantings of my 15-year-old self, I realize that I am back in the same rut I was in then. It's kind of disgusting to think about. I have just restarted my life by starting college over again. I moved back home and in doing so, separated myself from my best friend. The worst part is my depression has returned with a fierceness and it's causing me to not care about the friends I have.
It's so strange. The funny thing is that I'm sure most people could find these patterns in their life if they stepped back to look at themselves. How do we go on making the same mistakes?
This isn't even the second time I've gone through this cycle, it would be the third time. I did the same thing when I went to college the first time. It's going on and on and on...
How do we fix ourselves? How do we break the destructive patterns laid down by our childhoods? These are the questions I must face and I'm writing this because if I don't, it won't seem real. Sometimes when you realize something that important and deeply affecting, you want to try to write it off as having too much time to think. I know that I've done it, so I want to prevent that from happening this time.
Let's hope that I can really change and find my happiness. Let's wait and see.
Peace to you all <3