I've been trying to write all day. Actually, I've been trying to write since yesterday, but I can't seem to get my thoughts in order. My poems have been shit, so I just keep deleting them. (Which of course a terrible thing to do and I blame technology, but that's a tangent for another day.)
I'm just so emotionally raw. It's no fun. I've been walking around today just trying not to cry, so I ended up being pretty zombie-like all day except for those few moments when words would trigger an emotional reaction. For example, I'm listening to The Magic Numbers, an amazing band, and one of the lines in their song "Love's a Game" is :
"And maybe I'm a fool for walking in lineAnd...I just started crying. It makes no sense. I love this song and I haven't listened to it in a long time, so it's impact perhaps was greater. I have no reason to connect to these words either, it's so odd. I'm not going through a breakup or anything, which is basically what the song is about. I just don't know.
And maybe I should have tried to leave this time
I'm an honest mistake that you made"
Technically, I wasn't sad all day. I did spend a significant amount of time being pissed off at anything that would normally just slightly irritate me. I'm a mess of emotions. Anyway, when I'm angry, I like to clean.
And, I mean CLEAN. I've been cleaning for a few hours now. I've been putting off, so now was a good time for a spring cleaning. I'm cleansing myself in many ways. I think everyone should clean when they're angry. It's the best way to work out your anger. You get to scrub and slam and get out all that negative energy in a positive way. It prevents you from doing something stupid and gives you time to think while keeping your hands busy. I don't go to a therapist, I attack the mess in my closet. It's pretty nice.
I just really wish I could write something though. There is nothing more satisfying than pinning my emotions down on a piece of paper and being able to move on. I just want to move on.
The only words that keep repeating when I attempt a poem are: Have you ever felt a part of you dying? It's the only thing I have to work with. The only way to describe how I feel...A part of me is dying, and it has been for a while. This day has been coming and I'm just trying to get through it. I'll be back soon, and hopefully, I'll be new.