Friday, January 22, 2010
I see dreams as a progress report of sorts, especially when I remember them as clearly as the dream I had last night. What a dream to remember...considering it was telling me so much and was actually accurate. So, let's begin at the end and work our way back (which is the way I remember dreams).
-Ex-boyfriend in a suit arguing that I was making a mistake
-A formal party in a gorgeous house
-Hanging out with a group of guys (who I've never seen before anywhere), getting ready
-Sitting in a guy's room, he's flirting with me
-Climbing up a hill/stone wall with the guy spotting me
-Taking a walk in a neighborhood that looks like it faces the Rose Bowl with this guy.
Ok, so here's the story as I remember it from the beginning:
I'm walking down a curvy street with nice big houses on a warm summer day. I'm with a guy who I shall refer to as Steve, because I don't remember his name at all. The street reminds me of Arroyo when you're walking by the Rose Bowl with the right side dropping down after the edge of the road. Steve and I get to the house we were heading to, that has a sloping lawn set up in terraces near the road. I decide to climb the walls rather than walk to the front of the house and the walls get higher than they appear. The four foot wall becomes at least eight feet and I climb it anyway. Once I get over the top of the wall, I stop to wait for Steve who is climbing after me and I slip back over the edge. I catch the edge of the wall with one hand and pull myself up at the same time as Steve.
I make sure I have good footing this time and start to walk up the trail that is created by the first terrace. We walk for a while talking about my spectacular save on the wall, then we reach the house. I don't remember walking through, just ending up in Steve's room. There was copious amounts of flirting and then some of his friends arrived. They seemed surprised to find me there and the flirting lessened with their arrival. We hung out for a while and they began to talk about the party that was planned for later. The guys left to set up and get ready and I got ready in Steve's room.
I walk out into the party alone, feeling self-conscious. It's formal and the house looks like a picture from Architectural Digest, complete with modern floating staircase and glass windows that go from floor to ceiling. I walk around looking for the guys and wander up the stairs to the landing to look down on the party. Standing there doing exactly the same thing is my ex-boyfriend. He looks amazing in his suit and walks right over to me. He tells me how good I look and asks how I am. I answer his questions, but don't inquire about him because I honestly don't give a shit. He asks how I ended up at the party and I tell him about Steve and how I've been seeing him for a while. The conversation changes quickly as he tells me I shouldn't date anyone else but him. He's angry and wants me back, it's completely ridiculous. I walk away telling him that it's too late, and run into Steve right as I wake up.
(I only use the highlights because I figure, if it stands out, it must mean something.)
-Walking: Walking with ease means slow, steady progress toward my goals; moving through life in a confident manner.
-Climbing: It signifies that I am trying to or have overcome a great struggle. My goals are finally in reach.
-A room: The room represents a particular aspect of myself or a particular relationship. The room being comfortable means that I am satisfied in my life.
-Flirting: It represents my need for intimacy and affection. It also may mean that I'll be entering into a serious commitment/relationship in the near future.
-Male strangers: Strangers are dream helpers who offer some insight or advice. The fact that the strangers are men means that they represent the male side of myself (assertive, rational, aggressive, and/or competitive). I wish I remembered more about these guys now that I know this.
-A party: Haha, It actually means I need to get out more.
-Ex-boyfriend in a suit: I've come to terms and completed the healing process. This is a big deal since he was my first "love" and and most awful first heartbreak.
-Ex-boyfriend arguing: My unconscious is telling me not to repeat the same mistakes I made with him.
WOW. I recommend looking up what your dreams mean, it can be quite interesting, to say the least.
Monday, January 11, 2010
It's a month since my grand re-opening and I still feel pretty damn good. I had a great holiday season with my family-words I never thought I would utter. It's funny how life can work out when it seems the odds are stacked against you.
I faced my family's pettiness with maturity they didn't realize I possessed and I won. I FUCKING WON! I got to put the "adults" in their place and teach them a lesson about love and what it means to truly be a family. For the first time in my life, I talked back with a vengeance. I can't believe it took me so long to do, but I did it and I feel amazing.
To top it all off, they actually heard me and have made changes that I could feel at Christmas. I was actually glad to be with my family and I enjoyed the entire day. I even got to drink in front of the adults without getting looks, I felt so rebellious. I had the warm fuzzies all day and I probably could have cried if anyone had mentioned anything remotely emotional because I was so happy.
Ahhhhh, the holidays. Of course, I'm probably remembering it with a bit more fondness than it requires, but I don't mind if my imagination takes it liberties here. It deserves to with the way most of our family gathering have been since my parents adopted kids. It's been like one long awkward silence for four years and we're finally breaking the ice, so I'm not complaining about anything right now.
I also spent New Years with my family this year by choice. Of course, there is a balance in life that must be kept, so as soon as my family life improved, something had to happen with my friends. It's not a big deal, but my best friend has a new boyfriend, so I've been distant with her. It's not them, it's me. I'm just not ready to share her and the one time I was with both of them I was sickened by their PDA. I'm not a PDA type of person and new couples are always gross in my book.
Anyway, they were planning on spending the New Year at Disneyland, which would usually jump at the chance to do. I'm just not a people person, and the thought of all the tourists jammed into the already packed theme park was just a turn off. Not to mention, I wasn't in the mood to watch them make out a midnight while I stand there awkwardly. If I can avoid an awkward situation, I will, so I've been avoiding her majorly. It's no one's fault, but I just can't seem to get her alone to talk about it.
New Year's Eve with the family was interesting. Drunk uncles remind me why I hate alcohol and to never let myself be that stupid because of a substance I put in my body. I choose things which will not destroy my body and will not make me behave like an asshole. I use things which make me a better/nicer person actually, unfortunately I was out of my choice substance so I had to endure these people killing my buzz. Either way though, it was a decent NYE and I felt better about it because my grandma didn't have to spend it alone or just with her obnoxious sons. (I love them, but give them a drink and they're obnoxious.)
So, I think you're caught up. Wait, my closest friend, who I see as a sister visited for her break from school and my sleepover at her house pretty much made my life complete. This is why I love her. Nothing is impossible if you have a friend who loves you enough to help you sort out your life, and of course I do the same for her. She helped me see that this guy I like, might just be something special if I give him a chance. It's an odd feeling to let go a little and see what happens, I'm so used to having control over my heart.
Give a little love and see what happens, it's good for you. I swear.