Lack of communication

I want to write everything out. I want to describe all the terrible things I've done and the wonderful things I was able to feel and let you know exactly what is going on in my head. I just don't know how. I don't know how to face the truth and putting it in words seems to painful. Committing it to "paper" would make it more tangible and real, and that much more terrible. It's like when you have a bad dream and you try not to think about it so it'll go away. I want a lot of things to go away right now, but I suppose that isn't going to happen.

These should explain a few things and help me remember:
















That covers a lot of it. It's confusing and a mess and there is a lot I don't quite understand myself. I wish I had control of me, I think it would make things a lot easier. Also, I like a new boy and I'm getting rid of one. That part confuses me just as much as any of the other stuff.

That stupid guy I've been so into for month and months has finally used up all my patience. I'm over it. I won't wait around for him to give a shit and I won't put up with it just because it's nice to have a guy around. DONE.

I've quickly found someone who is so different and I like it. He holds be around the waist while I wash the dishes from the dinner he just cooked. And he sways to oldies while hugging me. And he thinks I'm beautiful....I could go on, but I might over gush and make myself sick. I like someone and I think I actually like this feeling this time, because it doesn't feel like every other stupid crush. I probably always make this claim, who knows. But right now, it feels true.

I just have to hold on to that feeling. I can't run away from happy all the time, because I know I'll try. I just have to try something that's slightly against my nature.

I love you more than I love me right now, and I mean it.

Laughing Boy

It's the little things...

It's strange just how much the little things matter sometimes. Something tiny and insignificant can change everything. Seeing a word can make you angry. A single name can make you want to run away.

It may be over reaction. It may be that you're being a bit sensitive. It could even be that you're creating drama out of absolutely nothing.

And yet, it's still there. That minute, trivial thing just clawing at you. Asking, begging, pleading for your attention. It wants you. It wants everything you've got. That thing can own you and it knows.

What becomes important now is how you handle it. Do you give in? Are you going to allow something so seemingly insignificant to derail you? Of course not, you're stronger than that, you would never...

A part of me is so glad to be escaping to Mexico and it's because of some minuscule detail I happened to notice. Because ghosts do exist and they love to haunt you when you're just trying to live.

I have to live.

-Laughing Boy


PS. I abhor Facebook, but I can't escape it.

Fight or flight?

What to do? What to do?

I leave for Mexico in 2 weeks and 2 days. I haven't spoken to the stupid boy I like in over week. I'm avoiding it at all cost at the moment actually.

I've been pretty busy actually, so I have an excuse, and I assume he has been as well since he hasn't made any attempts to talk, and he always does. It's bad, but I never initiate conversation because, well, why should I? If he wants to talk, he knows where to find me and I'll be here.

I do not seek. I am sought, dammit.

The point is, I don't really want to see him because:

1. I was advised by my best friend to discuss our "relationship" and I know she's right, but I don't wanna.
2. I realized I was beginning to have real feelings for him.
3. I immediately began squashing all feelings for him.

So, at this point, I really couldn't give a giant flying star-shaped crap about talking to him. Is that bad? It probably is, but what can you do? I suppose I could be mature and deal with the issue and stuff. However, I prefer my immature and less painful methods. I'll just not care about him and continue on as I am, if he doesn't like it, then oh well.

I mean, if he decides he give a crap, then maybe I'll try it out and see how I feel about it....

Ugh, see this is why I hate relationships and boys and feelings! All of the sudden, I have nothing to talk about besides a stupid idiot guy and my feelings! I think it's completely lame, so I'm done.

Anyways, I'm doing great, how are you? I actually have been feeling good. I've started drawing again and today I restarted my Pilates after a week without it. I feel sore and amazing! I'm really happy with my drawing too. I'm so gosh darn excited about it, I probably posted a picture of one above. Do you like it? Who cares, because I love it! I was so into drawing the other night that I completely went without sleep and just drew all night, then passed out around 10am covered in pencil and clutching a sketch book. I bet I looked adorable.

I'm also freaking out that I have only two weeks left before I'm being shipped off to Mexico with my grandma. It's going to be strange because I haven't been there in 10 years or so. Also, my Spanish is weak and I hardly remember my relatives out there. I predict many awkward visits and relying on my grandma for survival. Luckily, she's awesome and I'm sure I'll have a great time. I'm also sure my Spanish will improve and being somewhere so different will be good for me. I need a good shock to the system. I'll have to start packing soon...crap.

Well, I think I might go draw some more and possibly get some sleep.

I love you. For real.
<3

Laughing Boy

Your sword hit me in the truth

Untitled
Let's make some destruction
Just try to keep control
Take your finger off the button
It can't keep you whole

The world is headed for disaster
And you're still strapped in
It's going faster and faster
There's no cure for our sins

"Eight of Swords
You are too independent and others feel they cannot get close to you. People feel they bring nothing to your life and do not understand why you would want them around. Too focused on one's own goals. Feeling of freedom, but also have not formed ties. You come across as though no one could ever fool you. A little full of yourself."

Shit, am I really that bad? I always get stuff like this and I can never tell how true it is because I'm too chicken to get someone else's opinion in fear that it might be confirmed.

Interestingly enough I pulled this tarot yesterday, on a day that I was avoiding seeing my guy friend. He was texting all day with me and wanted to hang out, so I talked him out of it because I was feeling smothered. It's pretty awful considering I haven't even seen him in two weeks. I just can't handle it and I'm getting stir crazy.

It's not that I don't care though, because I really do. The problem is I probably care too much, so I get irritated with myself and the whole situation which allows me to pull back a little. When I give myself enough time to think and postpone the feelings part, I end up wanting to stop the whole thing and get the hell out of there.

Ugh, I frustrate myself. I guess we'll see whether either one of us really gives a shit when I'm gone for a month. Will he still text constantly when he can't get in my pants? That is the question.

Stop being a cynic dammit! It's bad for you...but I can't help it.
Let's go do something fun and forget our troubles? OK!

You're lovely by the way :]

A progress report

I see dreams as a progress report of sorts, especially when I remember them as clearly as the dream I had last night. What a dream to remember...considering it was telling me so much and was actually accurate. So, let's begin at the end and work our way back (which is the way I remember dreams).

The highlights:
-Ex-boyfriend in a suit arguing that I was making a mistake
-A formal party in a gorgeous house
-Hanging out with a group of guys (who I've never seen before anywhere), getting ready
-Sitting in a guy's room, he's flirting with me
-Climbing up a hill/stone wall with the guy spotting me
-Taking a walk in a neighborhood that looks like it faces the Rose Bowl with this guy.

Ok, so here's the story as I remember it from the beginning:
I'm walking down a curvy street with nice big houses on a warm summer day. I'm with a guy who I shall refer to as Steve, because I don't remember his name at all. The street reminds me of Arroyo when you're walking by the Rose Bowl with the right side dropping down after the edge of the road. Steve and I get to the house we were heading to, that has a sloping lawn set up in terraces near the road. I decide to climb the walls rather than walk to the front of the house and the walls get higher than they appear. The four foot wall becomes at least eight feet and I climb it anyway. Once I get over the top of the wall, I stop to wait for Steve who is climbing after me and I slip back over the edge. I catch the edge of the wall with one hand and pull myself up at the same time as Steve.

I make sure I have good footing this time and start to walk up the trail that is created by the first terrace. We walk for a while talking about my spectacular save on the wall, then we reach the house. I don't remember walking through, just ending up in Steve's room. There was copious amounts of flirting and then some of his friends arrived. They seemed surprised to find me there and the flirting lessened with their arrival. We hung out for a while and they began to talk about the party that was planned for later. The guys left to set up and get ready and I got ready in Steve's room.

I walk out into the party alone, feeling self-conscious. It's formal and the house looks like a picture from Architectural Digest, complete with modern floating staircase and glass windows that go from floor to ceiling. I walk around looking for the guys and wander up the stairs to the landing to look down on the party. Standing there doing exactly the same thing is my ex-boyfriend. He looks amazing in his suit and walks right over to me. He tells me how good I look and asks how I am. I answer his questions, but don't inquire about him because I honestly don't give a shit. He asks how I ended up at the party and I tell him about Steve and how I've been seeing him for a while. The conversation changes quickly as he tells me I shouldn't date anyone else but him. He's angry and wants me back, it's completely ridiculous. I walk away telling him that it's too late, and run into Steve right as I wake up.

The analysis:
(I only use the highlights because I figure, if it stands out, it must mean something.)
-Walking: Walking with ease means slow, steady progress toward my goals; moving through life in a confident manner.
-Climbing: It signifies that I am trying to or have overcome a great struggle. My goals are finally in reach.
-A room: The room represents a particular aspect of myself or a particular relationship. The room being comfortable means that I am satisfied in my life.
-Flirting: It represents my need for intimacy and affection. It also may mean that I'll be entering into a serious commitment/relationship in the near future.
-Male strangers: Strangers are dream helpers who offer some insight or advice. The fact that the strangers are men means that they represent the male side of myself (assertive, rational, aggressive, and/or competitive). I wish I remembered more about these guys now that I know this.
-A party: Haha, It actually means I need to get out more.
-Ex-boyfriend in a suit: I've come to terms and completed the healing process. This is a big deal since he was my first "love" and and most awful first heartbreak.
-Ex-boyfriend arguing: My unconscious is telling me not to repeat the same mistakes I made with him.

WOW. I recommend looking up what your dreams mean, it can be quite interesting, to say the least.

<3

I'm still alive, I think

I'm here...don't worry, don't all go asking at once how am...It's ok, I'm fine. Really.

I'm having a moment of drama and this too shall pass.

I've been doing a lot lately. I've met some new people and tried new things. Holy shit...I went on dates. It's hard to believe that I've been so active and just out there, considering all my time spent in my self-contained purgatory. I've been living life and now...when I'm on the brink of happiness, I have a meltdown.

I'm just not built to cope with happy. I don't know what to do with it. As soon as I experience happiness, I find some way to kick some harsh reality into and give it the proper dilution it requires for my sensitive palette. Happiness is too rich for me. Apathy sits better in my stomach, you wouldn't happen to have any, would you?

So...let's get to the point. I'm sort of dating these two guys. It's like I've entered some sort of bizarro land where people find my cold, distancing techniques charming. I really don't understand what is going on here, especially considering that they're both out of my league in different ways.

One of them is too gorgeous for words. I mean, he's just so handsome, but it's subtle. You could pass him on the street and think, "What a good looking man," but if you gave him a second look you'd realize that he is, quite frankly, a stunner. The other is absolutely adorable. He's out of my league for his sparkling personality. He's caring and sweet, which is rare enough in a 20 year-old guy, but even better, is that he is so genuine. I can't imagine him ever being anything but the perfect guy.

I may be wrong, but it sounds pretty great so far. What is there to complain about?

Oh wait...I factor in, don't I? Well, that where it gets complicated, because that's what I do best. No matter how hard I try, nothing is ever simple, and that's all I want.

So...I met them at exactly the same time and feel for them equally and they seem to be on the same page. However, I can't continue to move forward at this pace with both of them or I'll end up with two boyfriends and a headache.

I haven't been with anyone since high school, by choice and due to lack of opportunity. I never put myself out there before because I couldn't stand the idea that no one would care. I thought...what if I try to get a boyfriend/girlfriend and no one is interested? It's a horrifying thought and I'm a chicken, so I never tried. Instead I developed crushes on emotionally unavailable people to prove to myself that I wasn't completely asexual and just to move things along.

Oh and by been with anyone, I mean have a "relationship," which I believe doesn't truly exist when your sixteen. Essentially, I have never been in a relationship. Oh god...no wonder I'm a virgin. Yea...the 20 year-old virgin, it does exist.

Ah focus! What was I saying? Right...so the meltdown part. I went on a date with the sparkling personality guy last night...let's call him, Sparky because it's fun and reminds me of a cute little cocker spaniel. Yea, this is how we dehumanize and remain at arms-length, but moving on. Sparky and I went to see Paranormal Activity with his friends, oh shit, I met the best friend. Did I pass the test? Damn, on a second date I met the best friend, oh god he really likes me. I really am just realizing this now. Fuck.

My mind has been all scattered. Can you tell?

So we see the movie and I'm freezing my ass off in the theater. I wanted to cuddle him and I knew he would have, but at the same time I was afraid of getting too close. I didn't want my body language to say things I wasn't ready to say yet or that I may not want to say. I'm like every guy that has even broken a nice girl's heart, I'm keeping my options open...I could cry.

So, in doing this...I gave myself a mild case of hypothermia because I left shivering and when I got home my temperature had barely climbed back up to 93 degrees F and according to my research I must have been below 90 degrees in the theater, which is really NOT GOOD.

All I needed was that physical push, along with my exhaustion (I had only slept 4 hours) and I had created the the perfect conditions for a panic attack.

Yes, my friends. I have full blown panic disorder and depression. Hooray! I keep both under control though with the use of, ahem, herbal cigarettes. Yes, I know you know exactly what I mean. I usually smoke every other night before bed and this method worked all summer through to two weeks ago when I ran out. In the last 4 months or so, I've had maybe two panic attacks, when I was having two a month before. It works for me.

I thought nothing of it when I ran out, but it seems like since then, it's been building. The tension was just getting ready to cause a big one. It was the worst panic attack I've had since the one I had when I moved to San Francisco. It lasted over an hour and when I could finally leave my room I had to go find out if anybody had some trees for me. Luckily, I found some and it put me right to sleep.

I just wish I didn't have to depend on anything or anyone for my happiness. But what can I do, I'm human and we depend on each other. It can be an extremely positive thing, but it can also take it's toll. I'm just tried of always finding some excuse to ruin a good thing. I'm tired of me.

I thought...what if I could just die? During my panic attack, I just kept thinking...what if I could just die? Don't worry though, I'm not suicidal. I've been down that road before and realized that no matter how little my happiness means, I can't take happiness away from others. And for some odd reason, there are people this earth that love me, and being human, depend on me. I'm just not the type of person that could leave people that love me alone to face the world.

I hate to be so honest. It's really not my style, but I've been thinking too much and internalizing too much. If I don't set it down somewhere, I'll just keep having attacks and eventually I might just spontaneously combust. It happens.

I'm running out of words...the thoughts are still circling, but they aren't ready to be fully realized and examined. For now, I'll let them stay in the shadow and prowl. They'll be back and I'll be here.

Goodbye loves and don't worry about me. I'm still here, I'm alive.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

How I missed thee...let me count the ways.

Well, we can skip that. I've been busy for once, haha. I went to the Electric Daisy Carnival, I went hiking a few times, visited my friend in LA, went to Disneyland, and of course have been taking care of children. Caring for my little brother recently included a trip to the ER, when he developed a fever of 103.3 at 11PM, so of course we didn't get home until 4AM.

And might I say...emergency rooms are quite an interesting place to sit for five hours. I saw many strange characters and heard many disturbing stories. It was unreal, I would love to tell you the most outrageous story, but I feel that it would be an invasion of privacy for the poor family involved. It was something to witness though.

Here's something I wrote while I was there:

Your Music
I can hear your music
Buzzing, blazing, burning
When i listen with my heart
I can feel the twisting, turning

Ignore the audience
You focus on the beat
It's like I don't exist
The song is on repeat, repeat

I was thinking about oh so many things as I sat there waiting. I'm a very empathetic person. I can literally feel the emotions of a room if they are strong enough or if I make the effort. It was quite draining to be there and feel so much from the people there...just waiting. I don't even know how much of the poem is me and yet it is quite obviously about someone I know.

I never did do things the traditional way though. Why not enter an emotionally unstable environment and absorb the room's energy? Let's do it. I suppose I can't complain that I was bored though. Well, I'm done boring you, whoever you are that bothers to read this.

Have a great day, I'm off to care for a sickling and get some sleep.
=]

PS. Tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 20 and officially leave my teenage years behind. Sigh.