Epiphany

I've realized something tonight. All it took was a quick trip down memory lane via my former blog on Xanga. Wow...It made me feel old and lame.

The last time I updated my Xanga was in 2005! It only had the lifespan of a couple of years, but it covered some very important events in my formative years. I was starting high school and separated from my best friend by a few states. I lost two best friends and a few others to baby-mama drama and had severe depression.

High school was so fun for me. Jesus, it's a wonder I'm still here at all. Anyway, I learned quite a bit from this stroll down memory lane. I am, like most humans, a creature that seeks to repeat patterns developed from childhood experiences. This can be a terrible thing.

Think about how many people enjoy spanking as adults...yea, it's a bit perverse.

Now, from reading the pathetic rantings of my 15-year-old self, I realize that I am back in the same rut I was in then. It's kind of disgusting to think about. I have just restarted my life by starting college over again. I moved back home and in doing so, separated myself from my best friend. The worst part is my depression has returned with a fierceness and it's causing me to not care about the friends I have.

It's so strange. The funny thing is that I'm sure most people could find these patterns in their life if they stepped back to look at themselves. How do we go on making the same mistakes?

This isn't even the second time I've gone through this cycle, it would be the third time. I did the same thing when I went to college the first time. It's going on and on and on...

How do we fix ourselves? How do we break the destructive patterns laid down by our childhoods? These are the questions I must face and I'm writing this because if I don't, it won't seem real. Sometimes when you realize something that important and deeply affecting, you want to try to write it off as having too much time to think. I know that I've done it, so I want to prevent that from happening this time.

Let's hope that I can really change and find my happiness. Let's wait and see.

Peace to you all <3

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

The saving grace of my Halloween was this man.

I have a problem with Halloween. It used to be one of my favorite holidays to celebrate...I mean who doesn't love candy and dressing up? Weirdos, that's who.

However, at some point in your life, the innocence of Halloween is lost. It's not about being scary and creative anymore. Girls just use it as an excuse to be bigger whores than they are on a normal weeknight at a club. Because as we all know, bumblebees wear tiny dresses and have the best cleavage. Guys then get to sit back and enjoy.

Plus, there is a certain obsession with getting "fucked up" that I just cannot understand. If you build up your expectations for this one night to such a fervor, why would you then wish to drink yourself to the point of blackout? Don't you want to remember this night that you've been anticipating for so long?

I've lost all hope in my generation.

Then, there's the trick or treating. I'm pretty sure when I was around 10, we left the house to trick or treat around 7pm and didn't come home until 11pm. Even better, we got real candy bars. I feel like a wanna-be old lady talking about it this way, but things have changed so drastically in 10 years. People just don't have that spirit anymore.

I rant because this is quite possibly one the worst Halloweens I've spent. It was terrible for, oh so many reasons and I'm just over everything right now.

It also made me realize how badly I need to get out of this place. People are terrible and I miss San Francisco. It just never appealed more than now, when I realized that the rest of this damn state is full of assholes. I'm done bitching now and I apologize for my lapse in good humor lately.

"Let's just make this part go faster."

Love love love<3

Destruction, Creation, Revelation

Destruction
I'm obsessed with your face
Won't you put it against mine?
Press you to me
Feel our lips entwine

The bottles have emptied
We've been left alone
Just one little touch
I'm yours to own

No sense in discussing
Our plans or emotions
Give in to destruction
Cause a commotion


Hello love...I am home once again. It's odd how nice it is to be home, considering that I got to spend five days in San Francisco. It just felt different this time.

Anyway...There has been quite a lot of information clouding my head and swirling around. I'm just a mess of too much information. It's getting to the point where I'm forgetting important details, because I would just rather not know. I was talking to my sister and she was telling me a story I heard before, but it may as well have been the first time. I think my subconscious is trying to protect me...how nice of it, but it's sort of confusing for me.

I made myself extremely ill yesterday and didn't get to sleep until after 7am, so today I woke up around 5pm, which happens to be a pretty crappy feeling. I hate it when I miss out on the sun, even in this relentless heat. The up side of all of this though, is that I have much more time to myself today. I'm home alone which never happens and I've been given time to think. It's actually a good thing for once! Today, I realized how lucky I am.

It's not everyone who gets to spend so much time enjoying life. I mean, I have school and I take care of my little brother, but it never feels like work. I've set up my life in such a way that it can all be enjoyable as long as I'm in the right state of mind and no one brings me down. I get to spend my days with an innocent little child who reminds me how amazing the world is and how much wonder there is in everything. I get to see through his eyes and play and be a kid for a while longer because I'm with him. It's pretty great. The school stuff is so minor sometimes that it doesn't even feel like school (until I forget to do an assignment and stress myself out =/).

All in all, today has been a good day. I'm learning to accept the good and bad together and realize that there is a silver lining to everything. It's all about how you look at it. Let's try to be optimistic! It's not easy for me, but I can try.

:]

Another beginning...

What to say?

I suppose that is the whole point of this. I'm a feeler and a thinker. When others tell stories about the past, I remember the way I felt, but the actual event. I have a strange type of memory that doesn't always include words or explanations. So there is a need to be met.

I could never keep diaries or remember to write down whatever profound things occur to me in the middle of the night. I can, however, try to keep track of it all. Keep a folder of my thoughts, though it may only be a small cross section of what my mind experiences. This has nothing to do with others or gaining attention. I simply want to be able to look back and put dates and places and any other details that I can, to the memories that I make.

I may not keep it updated. I will probably abuse this blog and ignore it for months, but I hope it can grow with me. I hope I can write out my thoughts the way I would tell them to my best friend. I want to grow to love this little creation that I can call mine in this web of connections that people have made.

What I wanted to say was, that this was a blog about a girl. A girl with too many thoughts for one head and too many emotions for one heart. I feel before I think, and this tends to leave me scarred, but I don't have the heart to change. I'm a girl with two faces, the one I wear for myself and the one that takes it place when I walk out into the world.

I'm the girl that is scared to forget all the little moments in my life, but I'm dying to forget some of the largest events.I hate being the center of attention, but I don't mind writing a blog that a few people may stumble across. I also secretly hope that these people will like me, but I don't expect that I will make sense to anyone else.

"Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabies go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be"

-Billy Joel