"I'm celibate"; "Oh, so you're a tease?"

I've made a decision today, a decision that has made me profoundly happier and seems to be the change that I felt coming. I have decided to be celibate.

I mean I have been for a while now anyhow, but without making the conscious decision to remain so. I always figured that I may give in if the occasion called for it, but in the meantime I didn't care if I didn't have sex. However, it was all an excuse, an excuse to avoid making a decision and taking charge of my own life. I always do this, I go with the flow which can be quite rewarding and exciting, but it also takes away some of your power. I'm taking my power back and this is the first step.

I am not going to engage in physical activities for a while. I haven't decided on a period of time or anything, I think I'll know when I'm ready. I was letting the flow take me and prevent me from moving forward. I was complacent to remain in my pseudo-relationship and allow that to keep me from experiencing other things. I won't do that anymore and I won't just jump into the same situation, because it just won't be an option. If people don't want to be my friend and leave the bullshit behind, well then that's too bad for them.

I need to focus on moving forward and doing something productive with myself. If I don't have the distraction of sex and guys, well I'll focus that much more. I know this won't be easy, but anything worth fighting for is never easy. So, I'm prepared to hear how much of a "tease" I am from now on, because I'm not changing anything else. I will still dress how I damn well please and flirt if I want to; I plan on being the same insane person, who finds sexual innuendo in every sentence, I have always been, so I'm sure some people will have a problem with it. Oh well, life isn't fair, suck it!

On a related note, that stupid guy doesn't understand that I don't like him anymore. I guess I'll just have to tell him I'm celibate now and hope that keeps him away. He inspires me to keep this song on repeat:



<3
Laughing Boy

PS. I totally forgot to do Thankful Thursday and Top 10 Tuesday. Shit, well the first week of October, I'll pick it back up since it's too late.

You aren't real.

I think I wanted to love you
Because my poor heart forgot how to feel
It was like trying to lift a fog
But the sunshine wasn't real

So just hold me for a moment
Pretend that you care
I need some little touch
To remember that you're there

It's hard to know
Where we'll end up next
It feels like were going in circles
But our paths never connect

Let you go, let you go
I'm trying to untie the rope
Just ease your grip
There's no more hope

I loved a thought
But it left an empty space
And the void is harder to erase




I can't seem to get rid of you. Go away.

Warmth and happiness,

Laughing Boy

Goodbye

Hello sir,

It's funny...funny how emotions change and what we thought we wanted becomes irrelevant. For the longest time, I thought I wanted a relationship and I thought you were who I wanted to be with. It seemed so easy and it made sense at the time. You were never jealous or overbearing and you let me have my own life while still being there for me. These are all the things I always imagined I needed in a boyfriend because I tend to run when I get too comfortable with someone. I don't like to be vulnerable, and I didn't have to give that up.

It's so hard to get all these thoughts organized, I have so much to say and I never seem to know how to say it. I'm terrible with words. I suppose, I could just let myself cry and have everything pour out of me raw and unedited, but then I would have to cry in front of you. I can't seem to do that either.

I liked you once. I really cared about you and wanted you to be mine. The problem is I didn't know how to express this without feeling like I would ruin what we had. I liked things simple and uncomplicated by discussions about emotion. Plus, I didn't want to be the girl who falls for you, when I knew I shouldn't, when you warned me not to. Unfortunately, I couldn't stop it forever and when I realized what happened I had to stuff those feelings away.

I didn't want to feel anything for you. It was supposed to be fun and simple, no entanglement and no regret. So, I told myself to stop liking you and get over it. The problem with that is that now I feel nothing for you. Well, not completely nothing, I guess you sort of irritate me now. Your input in my conversations feels like intrusion and I wish you would go away. I'm hoping it's just a phase, because although I want to scratch you out of my life, you're still an important part of it. I will always remember you and I don't want my memories tainted because of my own issues.

It's sort of like I'm breaking up with you. We never exactly were a couple, but we did blur those lines and now it's time to set those lines in stone. I'm sorry if this is confusing for you, because I would really like to remain friends. I think you're a really great person, but I know now that you're not the person for me.

Oh, and I met someone who actually gives a flying fuck about me.


Your friend,

Laughing Boy


PS. Fuck you asshole, and thanks for wasting 9 months of my life.

PPS. We're still cool right? I know, I know...I hate me too.

PPPS. Lyrics from I Know It's Over by The Smiths

I know it's over
and it never really began
but in my heart it was so real

They fit so perfectly for me right now.

Lack of communication

I want to write everything out. I want to describe all the terrible things I've done and the wonderful things I was able to feel and let you know exactly what is going on in my head. I just don't know how. I don't know how to face the truth and putting it in words seems to painful. Committing it to "paper" would make it more tangible and real, and that much more terrible. It's like when you have a bad dream and you try not to think about it so it'll go away. I want a lot of things to go away right now, but I suppose that isn't going to happen.

These should explain a few things and help me remember:
















That covers a lot of it. It's confusing and a mess and there is a lot I don't quite understand myself. I wish I had control of me, I think it would make things a lot easier. Also, I like a new boy and I'm getting rid of one. That part confuses me just as much as any of the other stuff.

That stupid guy I've been so into for month and months has finally used up all my patience. I'm over it. I won't wait around for him to give a shit and I won't put up with it just because it's nice to have a guy around. DONE.

I've quickly found someone who is so different and I like it. He holds be around the waist while I wash the dishes from the dinner he just cooked. And he sways to oldies while hugging me. And he thinks I'm beautiful....I could go on, but I might over gush and make myself sick. I like someone and I think I actually like this feeling this time, because it doesn't feel like every other stupid crush. I probably always make this claim, who knows. But right now, it feels true.

I just have to hold on to that feeling. I can't run away from happy all the time, because I know I'll try. I just have to try something that's slightly against my nature.

I love you more than I love me right now, and I mean it.

Laughing Boy

Band of Horses

I probably picked the best/worst time to discover you Band of Horses. I knew you existed and that I would like your music, but I never gave you time.

And today, when I hit some terrible rocky bottom of a low I hadn't met before, you were there. You were just sitting there, wrapped up in the most beautifully fragile paper-thin perfection.

You opened me up and scooped out all the things I had discovered in myself that I couldn't live with anymore. We put them aside together and I decided to change. I'm changing and I'm keeping you with me forever now. You're the patch for my broken soul. When I shattered today, you put me back together.

I love you. It's silly, because you're still so new to me, but I know it's true. When I look back at this period of my life, you'll be the soundtrack, you'll be the anchor for my memories.

You fixed me when I had reached another point in my life that seemed hopeless. I just pray to God that I can make it, and I'm sure you'll help, but it's all on me now. It's all on me.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart,

Laughing Boy

Fighting a Losing Battle

I'm pretty sure I mentioned a challenge I would be facing. The whole, I-have-to-not-fall-in-love-with-my-friend-thing yea, well...

I'm not falling in love or anything, but I can't believe I'm letting myself like him so much. The dream from my last post really said a lot that seems to be ringing true. I haven't been close to anyone like this since my very first boyfriend who really messed me up relationship wise. I let him do a number on me when I was 16 and I am now just getting involved with this new guy.

I've dated of course in the past four years, but I have never once considered anyone worth a repeat visit until now. I just couldn't imagine going through bonding with someone so intimately if they might just go an rip my heart up when they were done with me. I know, it's ridiculously dramatic, but when your first love (whom you've known since you were six and is your closest friend in the world) ends up with your best friend and then impregnates her and you're only 16 and can barely cope with your already screwed up head, it tends to skew your views a bit.

This guy has gone and changed the rules on me. It's just not right. I've gone and started liking him and we get closer every time I see him. It doesn't help that I felt instantly comfortable with him since the first time I met him and have some weird trust in him that I cannot for the life of me explain. I don't trust guys too easily, but I just have this feeling that he would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. Anyway, we also have amazing chemistry and I can't keep my hands off him.

Everything fits and he's a great catch. I'm doomed to like this guy A LOT and I'm just going with the flow to see where this ends up. I might -gulp- end up with a boyfriend; which if you hadn't guessed by now, would be waaaay out of character for me.

That is all for now...I'll come back soon and hopefully I'll finally have some new poetry or something. My creativity burnt out on me and I haven't pushed it to start up again yet.

"I love you with sparks and shining dragons, I do"
<3

A progress report

I see dreams as a progress report of sorts, especially when I remember them as clearly as the dream I had last night. What a dream to remember...considering it was telling me so much and was actually accurate. So, let's begin at the end and work our way back (which is the way I remember dreams).

The highlights:
-Ex-boyfriend in a suit arguing that I was making a mistake
-A formal party in a gorgeous house
-Hanging out with a group of guys (who I've never seen before anywhere), getting ready
-Sitting in a guy's room, he's flirting with me
-Climbing up a hill/stone wall with the guy spotting me
-Taking a walk in a neighborhood that looks like it faces the Rose Bowl with this guy.

Ok, so here's the story as I remember it from the beginning:
I'm walking down a curvy street with nice big houses on a warm summer day. I'm with a guy who I shall refer to as Steve, because I don't remember his name at all. The street reminds me of Arroyo when you're walking by the Rose Bowl with the right side dropping down after the edge of the road. Steve and I get to the house we were heading to, that has a sloping lawn set up in terraces near the road. I decide to climb the walls rather than walk to the front of the house and the walls get higher than they appear. The four foot wall becomes at least eight feet and I climb it anyway. Once I get over the top of the wall, I stop to wait for Steve who is climbing after me and I slip back over the edge. I catch the edge of the wall with one hand and pull myself up at the same time as Steve.

I make sure I have good footing this time and start to walk up the trail that is created by the first terrace. We walk for a while talking about my spectacular save on the wall, then we reach the house. I don't remember walking through, just ending up in Steve's room. There was copious amounts of flirting and then some of his friends arrived. They seemed surprised to find me there and the flirting lessened with their arrival. We hung out for a while and they began to talk about the party that was planned for later. The guys left to set up and get ready and I got ready in Steve's room.

I walk out into the party alone, feeling self-conscious. It's formal and the house looks like a picture from Architectural Digest, complete with modern floating staircase and glass windows that go from floor to ceiling. I walk around looking for the guys and wander up the stairs to the landing to look down on the party. Standing there doing exactly the same thing is my ex-boyfriend. He looks amazing in his suit and walks right over to me. He tells me how good I look and asks how I am. I answer his questions, but don't inquire about him because I honestly don't give a shit. He asks how I ended up at the party and I tell him about Steve and how I've been seeing him for a while. The conversation changes quickly as he tells me I shouldn't date anyone else but him. He's angry and wants me back, it's completely ridiculous. I walk away telling him that it's too late, and run into Steve right as I wake up.

The analysis:
(I only use the highlights because I figure, if it stands out, it must mean something.)
-Walking: Walking with ease means slow, steady progress toward my goals; moving through life in a confident manner.
-Climbing: It signifies that I am trying to or have overcome a great struggle. My goals are finally in reach.
-A room: The room represents a particular aspect of myself or a particular relationship. The room being comfortable means that I am satisfied in my life.
-Flirting: It represents my need for intimacy and affection. It also may mean that I'll be entering into a serious commitment/relationship in the near future.
-Male strangers: Strangers are dream helpers who offer some insight or advice. The fact that the strangers are men means that they represent the male side of myself (assertive, rational, aggressive, and/or competitive). I wish I remembered more about these guys now that I know this.
-A party: Haha, It actually means I need to get out more.
-Ex-boyfriend in a suit: I've come to terms and completed the healing process. This is a big deal since he was my first "love" and and most awful first heartbreak.
-Ex-boyfriend arguing: My unconscious is telling me not to repeat the same mistakes I made with him.

WOW. I recommend looking up what your dreams mean, it can be quite interesting, to say the least.

<3

A month later...

It's a month since my grand re-opening and I still feel pretty damn good. I had a great holiday season with my family-words I never thought I would utter. It's funny how life can work out when it seems the odds are stacked against you.

I faced my family's pettiness with maturity they didn't realize I possessed and I won. I FUCKING WON! I got to put the "adults" in their place and teach them a lesson about love and what it means to truly be a family. For the first time in my life, I talked back with a vengeance. I can't believe it took me so long to do, but I did it and I feel amazing.

To top it all off, they actually heard me and have made changes that I could feel at Christmas. I was actually glad to be with my family and I enjoyed the entire day. I even got to drink in front of the adults without getting looks, I felt so rebellious. I had the warm fuzzies all day and I probably could have cried if anyone had mentioned anything remotely emotional because I was so happy.

Ahhhhh, the holidays. Of course, I'm probably remembering it with a bit more fondness than it requires, but I don't mind if my imagination takes it liberties here. It deserves to with the way most of our family gathering have been since my parents adopted kids. It's been like one long awkward silence for four years and we're finally breaking the ice, so I'm not complaining about anything right now.

I also spent New Years with my family this year by choice. Of course, there is a balance in life that must be kept, so as soon as my family life improved, something had to happen with my friends. It's not a big deal, but my best friend has a new boyfriend, so I've been distant with her. It's not them, it's me. I'm just not ready to share her and the one time I was with both of them I was sickened by their PDA. I'm not a PDA type of person and new couples are always gross in my book.

Anyway, they were planning on spending the New Year at Disneyland, which would usually jump at the chance to do. I'm just not a people person, and the thought of all the tourists jammed into the already packed theme park was just a turn off. Not to mention, I wasn't in the mood to watch them make out a midnight while I stand there awkwardly. If I can avoid an awkward situation, I will, so I've been avoiding her majorly. It's no one's fault, but I just can't seem to get her alone to talk about it.

New Year's Eve with the family was interesting. Drunk uncles remind me why I hate alcohol and to never let myself be that stupid because of a substance I put in my body. I choose things which will not destroy my body and will not make me behave like an asshole. I use things which make me a better/nicer person actually, unfortunately I was out of my choice substance so I had to endure these people killing my buzz. Either way though, it was a decent NYE and I felt better about it because my grandma didn't have to spend it alone or just with her obnoxious sons. (I love them, but give them a drink and they're obnoxious.)

So, I think you're caught up. Wait, my closest friend, who I see as a sister visited for her break from school and my sleepover at her house pretty much made my life complete. This is why I love her. Nothing is impossible if you have a friend who loves you enough to help you sort out your life, and of course I do the same for her. She helped me see that this guy I like, might just be something special if I give him a chance. It's an odd feeling to let go a little and see what happens, I'm so used to having control over my heart.

Give a little love and see what happens, it's good for you. I swear.

<3

Out of my rut!

Did I say I was depressed? Oh yea...I'm over it. I have amazing friends to thank for it.

It's time for change. That's the only way to get out of my funk and to make myself a better person. It's time and I'm doing it and I've already made some big changes.

I decided to face my fear of intimacy. Check! I have a wonderful friend who has given me the strength to not be such a chicken and let myself feel something for once. It's ab-so-fucking-lutely amazing! And I owe my eternal friendship for this. My mission now on this front is to not fall in love, I'm so not ready.

I have decided to stop bottling things up, that's what leads to anxiety and panic attacks. Check! As you would tell a child having a tantrum, "learn to use your words," well, I have. I've been talking to my friends and actually volunteering information rather than always listening. I love to listen and I'm great at it, but I need to learn how to communicate as well. If it's too tough to talk about, I usually don't, so I'm making myself talk about the tough stuff.

Oh and of course, I had to do something symbolic as well. So, I dyed my hair red and I love it. It's a nice change from being blonde-ish and I don't want to go back to my natural color. For now, I'm a redhead and it's awesome.

I guess I always knew an awakening would come and that's why I don't give up on myself. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I can do this. You can do this. We are beautiful, amazing creatures and don't you ever forget it!

I sound gross and peppy, I apologize. It'll wear off in a week or so, and then I'll be normal. I'm just so happy to be alive and that I have all my parts...and they function! Not to mention, I have wonderful friends who won't let me fall prey to my own pessimistic mind.

Things are looking up and it couldn't have come at a better time. I mean, it's fucking Christmas time!! It's the best time to come out of a depression to see the twinkling lights and feel that Christmas spirit.

I hope my joy is infectious and that you're feeling great as well.

I love you all more than you will ever know<3

I'm still alive, I think

I'm here...don't worry, don't all go asking at once how am...It's ok, I'm fine. Really.

I'm having a moment of drama and this too shall pass.

I've been doing a lot lately. I've met some new people and tried new things. Holy shit...I went on dates. It's hard to believe that I've been so active and just out there, considering all my time spent in my self-contained purgatory. I've been living life and now...when I'm on the brink of happiness, I have a meltdown.

I'm just not built to cope with happy. I don't know what to do with it. As soon as I experience happiness, I find some way to kick some harsh reality into and give it the proper dilution it requires for my sensitive palette. Happiness is too rich for me. Apathy sits better in my stomach, you wouldn't happen to have any, would you?

So...let's get to the point. I'm sort of dating these two guys. It's like I've entered some sort of bizarro land where people find my cold, distancing techniques charming. I really don't understand what is going on here, especially considering that they're both out of my league in different ways.

One of them is too gorgeous for words. I mean, he's just so handsome, but it's subtle. You could pass him on the street and think, "What a good looking man," but if you gave him a second look you'd realize that he is, quite frankly, a stunner. The other is absolutely adorable. He's out of my league for his sparkling personality. He's caring and sweet, which is rare enough in a 20 year-old guy, but even better, is that he is so genuine. I can't imagine him ever being anything but the perfect guy.

I may be wrong, but it sounds pretty great so far. What is there to complain about?

Oh wait...I factor in, don't I? Well, that where it gets complicated, because that's what I do best. No matter how hard I try, nothing is ever simple, and that's all I want.

So...I met them at exactly the same time and feel for them equally and they seem to be on the same page. However, I can't continue to move forward at this pace with both of them or I'll end up with two boyfriends and a headache.

I haven't been with anyone since high school, by choice and due to lack of opportunity. I never put myself out there before because I couldn't stand the idea that no one would care. I thought...what if I try to get a boyfriend/girlfriend and no one is interested? It's a horrifying thought and I'm a chicken, so I never tried. Instead I developed crushes on emotionally unavailable people to prove to myself that I wasn't completely asexual and just to move things along.

Oh and by been with anyone, I mean have a "relationship," which I believe doesn't truly exist when your sixteen. Essentially, I have never been in a relationship. Oh god...no wonder I'm a virgin. Yea...the 20 year-old virgin, it does exist.

Ah focus! What was I saying? Right...so the meltdown part. I went on a date with the sparkling personality guy last night...let's call him, Sparky because it's fun and reminds me of a cute little cocker spaniel. Yea, this is how we dehumanize and remain at arms-length, but moving on. Sparky and I went to see Paranormal Activity with his friends, oh shit, I met the best friend. Did I pass the test? Damn, on a second date I met the best friend, oh god he really likes me. I really am just realizing this now. Fuck.

My mind has been all scattered. Can you tell?

So we see the movie and I'm freezing my ass off in the theater. I wanted to cuddle him and I knew he would have, but at the same time I was afraid of getting too close. I didn't want my body language to say things I wasn't ready to say yet or that I may not want to say. I'm like every guy that has even broken a nice girl's heart, I'm keeping my options open...I could cry.

So, in doing this...I gave myself a mild case of hypothermia because I left shivering and when I got home my temperature had barely climbed back up to 93 degrees F and according to my research I must have been below 90 degrees in the theater, which is really NOT GOOD.

All I needed was that physical push, along with my exhaustion (I had only slept 4 hours) and I had created the the perfect conditions for a panic attack.

Yes, my friends. I have full blown panic disorder and depression. Hooray! I keep both under control though with the use of, ahem, herbal cigarettes. Yes, I know you know exactly what I mean. I usually smoke every other night before bed and this method worked all summer through to two weeks ago when I ran out. In the last 4 months or so, I've had maybe two panic attacks, when I was having two a month before. It works for me.

I thought nothing of it when I ran out, but it seems like since then, it's been building. The tension was just getting ready to cause a big one. It was the worst panic attack I've had since the one I had when I moved to San Francisco. It lasted over an hour and when I could finally leave my room I had to go find out if anybody had some trees for me. Luckily, I found some and it put me right to sleep.

I just wish I didn't have to depend on anything or anyone for my happiness. But what can I do, I'm human and we depend on each other. It can be an extremely positive thing, but it can also take it's toll. I'm just tried of always finding some excuse to ruin a good thing. I'm tired of me.

I thought...what if I could just die? During my panic attack, I just kept thinking...what if I could just die? Don't worry though, I'm not suicidal. I've been down that road before and realized that no matter how little my happiness means, I can't take happiness away from others. And for some odd reason, there are people this earth that love me, and being human, depend on me. I'm just not the type of person that could leave people that love me alone to face the world.

I hate to be so honest. It's really not my style, but I've been thinking too much and internalizing too much. If I don't set it down somewhere, I'll just keep having attacks and eventually I might just spontaneously combust. It happens.

I'm running out of words...the thoughts are still circling, but they aren't ready to be fully realized and examined. For now, I'll let them stay in the shadow and prowl. They'll be back and I'll be here.

Goodbye loves and don't worry about me. I'm still here, I'm alive.

Mirror

Mirror by Sylvia Plath

I am silver and exact.
I have no preconceptions. What ever you see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful---
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart.
But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake.
A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day,
like a terrible fish.

I absolutely love this poem. I feel like Sylvia Plath and I would have gotten along. She would understand and we would listen to each other in our dark times. She knows what it's like to not trust yourself and feel like an outsider in your own skin. I would have fallen in love with her, if only because I thought I could fix her/make her happy. I would have done anything to make her smile, because I know she was just waiting for someone to care enough. Someone to come and take her pain away with a little love, with a little care. Sylvia and I would have survived only to keep each other from our own despair. Love borne out of need. Love is all we need. Why isn't there more love in this world? Everyone wants love, but it seems to be the one thing people lack. No one should go without love.

Hmm...another stream of consciousness piece. Sylvia Plath makes me a little depressed and yet, reminds me of beautiful things. Well, I'm done for now. I can't seem to stop pouring out my heart right now, good thing I decided to avoid phones and talking to people because I'm feeling much too truthful at the moment.

I hope you are all well and getting the love you deserve.
If not, remember that I love you. No matter what, I love you all.

<3
Laughing Boy

Destruction, Creation, Revelation

Destruction
I'm obsessed with your face
Won't you put it against mine?
Press you to me
Feel our lips entwine

The bottles have emptied
We've been left alone
Just one little touch
I'm yours to own

No sense in discussing
Our plans or emotions
Give in to destruction
Cause a commotion


Hello love...I am home once again. It's odd how nice it is to be home, considering that I got to spend five days in San Francisco. It just felt different this time.

Anyway...There has been quite a lot of information clouding my head and swirling around. I'm just a mess of too much information. It's getting to the point where I'm forgetting important details, because I would just rather not know. I was talking to my sister and she was telling me a story I heard before, but it may as well have been the first time. I think my subconscious is trying to protect me...how nice of it, but it's sort of confusing for me.

I made myself extremely ill yesterday and didn't get to sleep until after 7am, so today I woke up around 5pm, which happens to be a pretty crappy feeling. I hate it when I miss out on the sun, even in this relentless heat. The up side of all of this though, is that I have much more time to myself today. I'm home alone which never happens and I've been given time to think. It's actually a good thing for once! Today, I realized how lucky I am.

It's not everyone who gets to spend so much time enjoying life. I mean, I have school and I take care of my little brother, but it never feels like work. I've set up my life in such a way that it can all be enjoyable as long as I'm in the right state of mind and no one brings me down. I get to spend my days with an innocent little child who reminds me how amazing the world is and how much wonder there is in everything. I get to see through his eyes and play and be a kid for a while longer because I'm with him. It's pretty great. The school stuff is so minor sometimes that it doesn't even feel like school (until I forget to do an assignment and stress myself out =/).

All in all, today has been a good day. I'm learning to accept the good and bad together and realize that there is a silver lining to everything. It's all about how you look at it. Let's try to be optimistic! It's not easy for me, but I can try.

:]