I want to be someone else or I'll explode

So tonight, I'm listening to Radiohead, which is my gateway drug to Modest Mouse, etc. You may think, "So what?" But, if you knew me, you would be worried. I'm a little worried.

It's not the bands' fault, they're just a sign. When I listen to them, it means that something is going on, a profound change in me. I will wake up as someone new. And that is a wonderful, beautiful, terrifying thing. Change is bittersweet and I am terrible with feelings simply because I feel too much. It's gonna be a long night.

I guess, it all comes down to being afraid. Afraid of facing myself and really looking at the mess I am. I've made a lot of progress and yet I'm still miles from where I want to be mentally, physically, and the whopper of all, emotionally.

I feel lonely and I dream of finding the person that will fill that gap and make me whole. But in reality I'm that person. I am the only person that can make me happy, but why can't I let myself do it? See? This is what I mean, I know the problems, I just don't understand how to fix them. The other thing is, I feel alone, yet there is no one I can think of being with, no one that inspires me to reach out of my isolation. I've always been a hermit, this is me. I never make that first contact with my friends, they call me and sometimes, I don't even respond. Why am I so happy to be left alone, yet left with some yearning for contact with the outside world?

I should just build my shack in the woods and accept it, I am a recluse destined to raise many cats.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

Laughing Boy

Some of my favorite quotes...

I've lost my patience for the internet and for all these websites that are meant to connect us. I decided to rely less on technology and more on real-life experiences because I'm only missing out on bigger and better things. If I want to detach from reality, I can pick up a book or watch a movie. So, I deleted my myspace page, but I wanted to save some things I collected there. I am a collector of words. I love quotes, and I love to feel the connection to people in the past who have felt things I have felt, and thought about things the way I have thought about things. I makes me feel as though I'm not quite so alone and perhaps I'm not as crazy as I think I am. Here is what I saved:

"It is better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
-Emiliano Zapata

"Think for yourself and question authority."
-Timothy Leary

"She was a manic depressive named laughing boy."
-Modest Mouse

"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past."
-Christopher McCandless

"I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues."
-Dr. Seuss

"Mefiez-vous des apparences, Ca n'a aucun sens."
-"Burger Queen" by Placebo

"Do not let dreams die, for without them, life is like a broken-winged bird that cannot fly."
-Langston Hughes

"And there never was an apple, in Adam's opinion, that wasn't worth the trouble you got into for eating it."
-Neil Gaiman

"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."
-John/Savage

"Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace. Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better."
-Palahniuk

"What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were alive right now? Clawing at the lid of her coffin."
-Palahniuk

"There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where no one intudes,
By the deep sea and the music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
-Lord Byron

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
-Jack Kerouac

"You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore..."
- Neil Gaiman

And just for fun:
"I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man, Mikey. You're a bad man, bad man."
-Trent, Swingers

That is all for this installment of the randomness that is me.