"I'm celibate"; "Oh, so you're a tease?"

I've made a decision today, a decision that has made me profoundly happier and seems to be the change that I felt coming. I have decided to be celibate.

I mean I have been for a while now anyhow, but without making the conscious decision to remain so. I always figured that I may give in if the occasion called for it, but in the meantime I didn't care if I didn't have sex. However, it was all an excuse, an excuse to avoid making a decision and taking charge of my own life. I always do this, I go with the flow which can be quite rewarding and exciting, but it also takes away some of your power. I'm taking my power back and this is the first step.

I am not going to engage in physical activities for a while. I haven't decided on a period of time or anything, I think I'll know when I'm ready. I was letting the flow take me and prevent me from moving forward. I was complacent to remain in my pseudo-relationship and allow that to keep me from experiencing other things. I won't do that anymore and I won't just jump into the same situation, because it just won't be an option. If people don't want to be my friend and leave the bullshit behind, well then that's too bad for them.

I need to focus on moving forward and doing something productive with myself. If I don't have the distraction of sex and guys, well I'll focus that much more. I know this won't be easy, but anything worth fighting for is never easy. So, I'm prepared to hear how much of a "tease" I am from now on, because I'm not changing anything else. I will still dress how I damn well please and flirt if I want to; I plan on being the same insane person, who finds sexual innuendo in every sentence, I have always been, so I'm sure some people will have a problem with it. Oh well, life isn't fair, suck it!

On a related note, that stupid guy doesn't understand that I don't like him anymore. I guess I'll just have to tell him I'm celibate now and hope that keeps him away. He inspires me to keep this song on repeat:



<3
Laughing Boy

PS. I totally forgot to do Thankful Thursday and Top 10 Tuesday. Shit, well the first week of October, I'll pick it back up since it's too late.

A month later...

It's a month since my grand re-opening and I still feel pretty damn good. I had a great holiday season with my family-words I never thought I would utter. It's funny how life can work out when it seems the odds are stacked against you.

I faced my family's pettiness with maturity they didn't realize I possessed and I won. I FUCKING WON! I got to put the "adults" in their place and teach them a lesson about love and what it means to truly be a family. For the first time in my life, I talked back with a vengeance. I can't believe it took me so long to do, but I did it and I feel amazing.

To top it all off, they actually heard me and have made changes that I could feel at Christmas. I was actually glad to be with my family and I enjoyed the entire day. I even got to drink in front of the adults without getting looks, I felt so rebellious. I had the warm fuzzies all day and I probably could have cried if anyone had mentioned anything remotely emotional because I was so happy.

Ahhhhh, the holidays. Of course, I'm probably remembering it with a bit more fondness than it requires, but I don't mind if my imagination takes it liberties here. It deserves to with the way most of our family gathering have been since my parents adopted kids. It's been like one long awkward silence for four years and we're finally breaking the ice, so I'm not complaining about anything right now.

I also spent New Years with my family this year by choice. Of course, there is a balance in life that must be kept, so as soon as my family life improved, something had to happen with my friends. It's not a big deal, but my best friend has a new boyfriend, so I've been distant with her. It's not them, it's me. I'm just not ready to share her and the one time I was with both of them I was sickened by their PDA. I'm not a PDA type of person and new couples are always gross in my book.

Anyway, they were planning on spending the New Year at Disneyland, which would usually jump at the chance to do. I'm just not a people person, and the thought of all the tourists jammed into the already packed theme park was just a turn off. Not to mention, I wasn't in the mood to watch them make out a midnight while I stand there awkwardly. If I can avoid an awkward situation, I will, so I've been avoiding her majorly. It's no one's fault, but I just can't seem to get her alone to talk about it.

New Year's Eve with the family was interesting. Drunk uncles remind me why I hate alcohol and to never let myself be that stupid because of a substance I put in my body. I choose things which will not destroy my body and will not make me behave like an asshole. I use things which make me a better/nicer person actually, unfortunately I was out of my choice substance so I had to endure these people killing my buzz. Either way though, it was a decent NYE and I felt better about it because my grandma didn't have to spend it alone or just with her obnoxious sons. (I love them, but give them a drink and they're obnoxious.)

So, I think you're caught up. Wait, my closest friend, who I see as a sister visited for her break from school and my sleepover at her house pretty much made my life complete. This is why I love her. Nothing is impossible if you have a friend who loves you enough to help you sort out your life, and of course I do the same for her. She helped me see that this guy I like, might just be something special if I give him a chance. It's an odd feeling to let go a little and see what happens, I'm so used to having control over my heart.

Give a little love and see what happens, it's good for you. I swear.

<3

Out of my rut!

Did I say I was depressed? Oh yea...I'm over it. I have amazing friends to thank for it.

It's time for change. That's the only way to get out of my funk and to make myself a better person. It's time and I'm doing it and I've already made some big changes.

I decided to face my fear of intimacy. Check! I have a wonderful friend who has given me the strength to not be such a chicken and let myself feel something for once. It's ab-so-fucking-lutely amazing! And I owe my eternal friendship for this. My mission now on this front is to not fall in love, I'm so not ready.

I have decided to stop bottling things up, that's what leads to anxiety and panic attacks. Check! As you would tell a child having a tantrum, "learn to use your words," well, I have. I've been talking to my friends and actually volunteering information rather than always listening. I love to listen and I'm great at it, but I need to learn how to communicate as well. If it's too tough to talk about, I usually don't, so I'm making myself talk about the tough stuff.

Oh and of course, I had to do something symbolic as well. So, I dyed my hair red and I love it. It's a nice change from being blonde-ish and I don't want to go back to my natural color. For now, I'm a redhead and it's awesome.

I guess I always knew an awakening would come and that's why I don't give up on myself. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I can do this. You can do this. We are beautiful, amazing creatures and don't you ever forget it!

I sound gross and peppy, I apologize. It'll wear off in a week or so, and then I'll be normal. I'm just so happy to be alive and that I have all my parts...and they function! Not to mention, I have wonderful friends who won't let me fall prey to my own pessimistic mind.

Things are looking up and it couldn't have come at a better time. I mean, it's fucking Christmas time!! It's the best time to come out of a depression to see the twinkling lights and feel that Christmas spirit.

I hope my joy is infectious and that you're feeling great as well.

I love you all more than you will ever know<3

Epiphany

I've realized something tonight. All it took was a quick trip down memory lane via my former blog on Xanga. Wow...It made me feel old and lame.

The last time I updated my Xanga was in 2005! It only had the lifespan of a couple of years, but it covered some very important events in my formative years. I was starting high school and separated from my best friend by a few states. I lost two best friends and a few others to baby-mama drama and had severe depression.

High school was so fun for me. Jesus, it's a wonder I'm still here at all. Anyway, I learned quite a bit from this stroll down memory lane. I am, like most humans, a creature that seeks to repeat patterns developed from childhood experiences. This can be a terrible thing.

Think about how many people enjoy spanking as adults...yea, it's a bit perverse.

Now, from reading the pathetic rantings of my 15-year-old self, I realize that I am back in the same rut I was in then. It's kind of disgusting to think about. I have just restarted my life by starting college over again. I moved back home and in doing so, separated myself from my best friend. The worst part is my depression has returned with a fierceness and it's causing me to not care about the friends I have.

It's so strange. The funny thing is that I'm sure most people could find these patterns in their life if they stepped back to look at themselves. How do we go on making the same mistakes?

This isn't even the second time I've gone through this cycle, it would be the third time. I did the same thing when I went to college the first time. It's going on and on and on...

How do we fix ourselves? How do we break the destructive patterns laid down by our childhoods? These are the questions I must face and I'm writing this because if I don't, it won't seem real. Sometimes when you realize something that important and deeply affecting, you want to try to write it off as having too much time to think. I know that I've done it, so I want to prevent that from happening this time.

Let's hope that I can really change and find my happiness. Let's wait and see.

Peace to you all <3

Absence makes the heart grow fonder...

How I missed thee...let me count the ways.

Well, we can skip that. I've been busy for once, haha. I went to the Electric Daisy Carnival, I went hiking a few times, visited my friend in LA, went to Disneyland, and of course have been taking care of children. Caring for my little brother recently included a trip to the ER, when he developed a fever of 103.3 at 11PM, so of course we didn't get home until 4AM.

And might I say...emergency rooms are quite an interesting place to sit for five hours. I saw many strange characters and heard many disturbing stories. It was unreal, I would love to tell you the most outrageous story, but I feel that it would be an invasion of privacy for the poor family involved. It was something to witness though.

Here's something I wrote while I was there:

Your Music
I can hear your music
Buzzing, blazing, burning
When i listen with my heart
I can feel the twisting, turning

Ignore the audience
You focus on the beat
It's like I don't exist
The song is on repeat, repeat

I was thinking about oh so many things as I sat there waiting. I'm a very empathetic person. I can literally feel the emotions of a room if they are strong enough or if I make the effort. It was quite draining to be there and feel so much from the people there...just waiting. I don't even know how much of the poem is me and yet it is quite obviously about someone I know.

I never did do things the traditional way though. Why not enter an emotionally unstable environment and absorb the room's energy? Let's do it. I suppose I can't complain that I was bored though. Well, I'm done boring you, whoever you are that bothers to read this.

Have a great day, I'm off to care for a sickling and get some sleep.
=]

PS. Tomorrow is my birthday. I turn 20 and officially leave my teenage years behind. Sigh.

Let's Be Friends

Let's be Friends

When summer ends
And children grow
Lift your dress
Your turn to show

In the dark, talking low
Under cover, where no one knows

Let's be friends, Let's be friends, Let's be friends

Offering your heart to me
The first mistake you made, you see
I can't accept, I don't agree
There never was a you and me

Holding hands, you didn't see
It was no more than empathy

And I hope that we can just be friends
Let's be friends, Let's be friends, Let's be friends

You took me to your double bed
Playing games with my dumb head
I never saw the clothes you shed
You never heard a word I said

I couldn't look into your eyes
Who's losing in this compromise?

And I hope that we can still be friends
Let's be friends, Let's be friends, Let's be friends

We are merely children still
As we sit under the windowsill
Staring up into the sky
How did it get up so high?

The stars, they wink as they go by
It's our chance to say goodbye

All that's left is for us to be friends
Let's be friends, Let's be friends, Let's be friends

I actually wrote this yesterday, but I wanted to post it here.
It's pretty clear what it's about and I needed to get things off my chest.