A month later...

It's a month since my grand re-opening and I still feel pretty damn good. I had a great holiday season with my family-words I never thought I would utter. It's funny how life can work out when it seems the odds are stacked against you.

I faced my family's pettiness with maturity they didn't realize I possessed and I won. I FUCKING WON! I got to put the "adults" in their place and teach them a lesson about love and what it means to truly be a family. For the first time in my life, I talked back with a vengeance. I can't believe it took me so long to do, but I did it and I feel amazing.

To top it all off, they actually heard me and have made changes that I could feel at Christmas. I was actually glad to be with my family and I enjoyed the entire day. I even got to drink in front of the adults without getting looks, I felt so rebellious. I had the warm fuzzies all day and I probably could have cried if anyone had mentioned anything remotely emotional because I was so happy.

Ahhhhh, the holidays. Of course, I'm probably remembering it with a bit more fondness than it requires, but I don't mind if my imagination takes it liberties here. It deserves to with the way most of our family gathering have been since my parents adopted kids. It's been like one long awkward silence for four years and we're finally breaking the ice, so I'm not complaining about anything right now.

I also spent New Years with my family this year by choice. Of course, there is a balance in life that must be kept, so as soon as my family life improved, something had to happen with my friends. It's not a big deal, but my best friend has a new boyfriend, so I've been distant with her. It's not them, it's me. I'm just not ready to share her and the one time I was with both of them I was sickened by their PDA. I'm not a PDA type of person and new couples are always gross in my book.

Anyway, they were planning on spending the New Year at Disneyland, which would usually jump at the chance to do. I'm just not a people person, and the thought of all the tourists jammed into the already packed theme park was just a turn off. Not to mention, I wasn't in the mood to watch them make out a midnight while I stand there awkwardly. If I can avoid an awkward situation, I will, so I've been avoiding her majorly. It's no one's fault, but I just can't seem to get her alone to talk about it.

New Year's Eve with the family was interesting. Drunk uncles remind me why I hate alcohol and to never let myself be that stupid because of a substance I put in my body. I choose things which will not destroy my body and will not make me behave like an asshole. I use things which make me a better/nicer person actually, unfortunately I was out of my choice substance so I had to endure these people killing my buzz. Either way though, it was a decent NYE and I felt better about it because my grandma didn't have to spend it alone or just with her obnoxious sons. (I love them, but give them a drink and they're obnoxious.)

So, I think you're caught up. Wait, my closest friend, who I see as a sister visited for her break from school and my sleepover at her house pretty much made my life complete. This is why I love her. Nothing is impossible if you have a friend who loves you enough to help you sort out your life, and of course I do the same for her. She helped me see that this guy I like, might just be something special if I give him a chance. It's an odd feeling to let go a little and see what happens, I'm so used to having control over my heart.

Give a little love and see what happens, it's good for you. I swear.

<3

Out of my rut!

Did I say I was depressed? Oh yea...I'm over it. I have amazing friends to thank for it.

It's time for change. That's the only way to get out of my funk and to make myself a better person. It's time and I'm doing it and I've already made some big changes.

I decided to face my fear of intimacy. Check! I have a wonderful friend who has given me the strength to not be such a chicken and let myself feel something for once. It's ab-so-fucking-lutely amazing! And I owe my eternal friendship for this. My mission now on this front is to not fall in love, I'm so not ready.

I have decided to stop bottling things up, that's what leads to anxiety and panic attacks. Check! As you would tell a child having a tantrum, "learn to use your words," well, I have. I've been talking to my friends and actually volunteering information rather than always listening. I love to listen and I'm great at it, but I need to learn how to communicate as well. If it's too tough to talk about, I usually don't, so I'm making myself talk about the tough stuff.

Oh and of course, I had to do something symbolic as well. So, I dyed my hair red and I love it. It's a nice change from being blonde-ish and I don't want to go back to my natural color. For now, I'm a redhead and it's awesome.

I guess I always knew an awakening would come and that's why I don't give up on myself. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I can do this. You can do this. We are beautiful, amazing creatures and don't you ever forget it!

I sound gross and peppy, I apologize. It'll wear off in a week or so, and then I'll be normal. I'm just so happy to be alive and that I have all my parts...and they function! Not to mention, I have wonderful friends who won't let me fall prey to my own pessimistic mind.

Things are looking up and it couldn't have come at a better time. I mean, it's fucking Christmas time!! It's the best time to come out of a depression to see the twinkling lights and feel that Christmas spirit.

I hope my joy is infectious and that you're feeling great as well.

I love you all more than you will ever know<3