"I'm celibate"; "Oh, so you're a tease?"

I've made a decision today, a decision that has made me profoundly happier and seems to be the change that I felt coming. I have decided to be celibate.

I mean I have been for a while now anyhow, but without making the conscious decision to remain so. I always figured that I may give in if the occasion called for it, but in the meantime I didn't care if I didn't have sex. However, it was all an excuse, an excuse to avoid making a decision and taking charge of my own life. I always do this, I go with the flow which can be quite rewarding and exciting, but it also takes away some of your power. I'm taking my power back and this is the first step.

I am not going to engage in physical activities for a while. I haven't decided on a period of time or anything, I think I'll know when I'm ready. I was letting the flow take me and prevent me from moving forward. I was complacent to remain in my pseudo-relationship and allow that to keep me from experiencing other things. I won't do that anymore and I won't just jump into the same situation, because it just won't be an option. If people don't want to be my friend and leave the bullshit behind, well then that's too bad for them.

I need to focus on moving forward and doing something productive with myself. If I don't have the distraction of sex and guys, well I'll focus that much more. I know this won't be easy, but anything worth fighting for is never easy. So, I'm prepared to hear how much of a "tease" I am from now on, because I'm not changing anything else. I will still dress how I damn well please and flirt if I want to; I plan on being the same insane person, who finds sexual innuendo in every sentence, I have always been, so I'm sure some people will have a problem with it. Oh well, life isn't fair, suck it!

On a related note, that stupid guy doesn't understand that I don't like him anymore. I guess I'll just have to tell him I'm celibate now and hope that keeps him away. He inspires me to keep this song on repeat:



<3
Laughing Boy

PS. I totally forgot to do Thankful Thursday and Top 10 Tuesday. Shit, well the first week of October, I'll pick it back up since it's too late.

I want to be someone else or I'll explode

So tonight, I'm listening to Radiohead, which is my gateway drug to Modest Mouse, etc. You may think, "So what?" But, if you knew me, you would be worried. I'm a little worried.

It's not the bands' fault, they're just a sign. When I listen to them, it means that something is going on, a profound change in me. I will wake up as someone new. And that is a wonderful, beautiful, terrifying thing. Change is bittersweet and I am terrible with feelings simply because I feel too much. It's gonna be a long night.

I guess, it all comes down to being afraid. Afraid of facing myself and really looking at the mess I am. I've made a lot of progress and yet I'm still miles from where I want to be mentally, physically, and the whopper of all, emotionally.

I feel lonely and I dream of finding the person that will fill that gap and make me whole. But in reality I'm that person. I am the only person that can make me happy, but why can't I let myself do it? See? This is what I mean, I know the problems, I just don't understand how to fix them. The other thing is, I feel alone, yet there is no one I can think of being with, no one that inspires me to reach out of my isolation. I've always been a hermit, this is me. I never make that first contact with my friends, they call me and sometimes, I don't even respond. Why am I so happy to be left alone, yet left with some yearning for contact with the outside world?

I should just build my shack in the woods and accept it, I am a recluse destined to raise many cats.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

Laughing Boy

You aren't real.

I think I wanted to love you
Because my poor heart forgot how to feel
It was like trying to lift a fog
But the sunshine wasn't real

So just hold me for a moment
Pretend that you care
I need some little touch
To remember that you're there

It's hard to know
Where we'll end up next
It feels like were going in circles
But our paths never connect

Let you go, let you go
I'm trying to untie the rope
Just ease your grip
There's no more hope

I loved a thought
But it left an empty space
And the void is harder to erase




I can't seem to get rid of you. Go away.

Warmth and happiness,

Laughing Boy

Dreaming

I want to feel you,
But I'm afraid to.
You're all I want
And all I can't have

When did I wake,
And when did I fall asleep?
Am I still dreaming,
Will you tell me when it's over?

The moon is here
The sun is out
You were standing on a hill
So I ran up

But everytime I get there you disappear
Everytime I get there you disappear
You disappear
And I never seem to get there

When did I wake,
And when did I fall asleep?
Am I still dreaming,
Will you tell me when it's over?



I'm barely posting this on the 22nd, despite writing it on the 15th. It didn't seem complete and now I can't bear to change it. Hopefully it makes sense as is and I'm also hoping I'll be able to start writing again soon. I feel like that's been missing from my life for quite a while now. Anyway, this is also very true of how I've been feeling lately and it's not about any particular person. Luckily, things are looking a little better.

Tons of love to you,
<3 Laughing Boy

Let's just say...

Let's just say...

I want to live off the grid in a cabin in the woods, eat wild berries and granola, have a pet owl, grow a garden to live off of, and change my name to Starshine. Would you come with me?

I love you,

Laughing Boy

One day, Madness

One day, I will go mad
I'll wear my favorite books
And eat the pages I don't like
The words will have lost meaning
But my stomach will speak
The lines that created me

One day, I will lose my mind
People will whisper around me
And I will pretend I cannot hear
Voices will speak to me
Unaccompanied by mouth or conscience
And I will be the greatest listener

One day, I will forget all I know
When the world leaves me
All will cease to matter
I'll call myself bread and forget to sleep
Survival will become instinct
And I'll become a feral creature once again

Your sword hit me in the truth

Untitled
Let's make some destruction
Just try to keep control
Take your finger off the button
It can't keep you whole

The world is headed for disaster
And you're still strapped in
It's going faster and faster
There's no cure for our sins

"Eight of Swords
You are too independent and others feel they cannot get close to you. People feel they bring nothing to your life and do not understand why you would want them around. Too focused on one's own goals. Feeling of freedom, but also have not formed ties. You come across as though no one could ever fool you. A little full of yourself."

Shit, am I really that bad? I always get stuff like this and I can never tell how true it is because I'm too chicken to get someone else's opinion in fear that it might be confirmed.

Interestingly enough I pulled this tarot yesterday, on a day that I was avoiding seeing my guy friend. He was texting all day with me and wanted to hang out, so I talked him out of it because I was feeling smothered. It's pretty awful considering I haven't even seen him in two weeks. I just can't handle it and I'm getting stir crazy.

It's not that I don't care though, because I really do. The problem is I probably care too much, so I get irritated with myself and the whole situation which allows me to pull back a little. When I give myself enough time to think and postpone the feelings part, I end up wanting to stop the whole thing and get the hell out of there.

Ugh, I frustrate myself. I guess we'll see whether either one of us really gives a shit when I'm gone for a month. Will he still text constantly when he can't get in my pants? That is the question.

Stop being a cynic dammit! It's bad for you...but I can't help it.
Let's go do something fun and forget our troubles? OK!

You're lovely by the way :]

Debbie Downer makes Owlettes

Untitled, Unfinished
There's nothing left in this world
Nothing to take, or give
The skies are gone, the ground gave way
Not even oxygen to live

Yet, here you remain
With your memories of sun
And thoughts of those you loved
But what to do with these,
when the world's come undone?

Recall the warmth of life
Leaves that changed with season
The chill that a breeze sent up your spine
Stars that acted as your beacon


I'm having trouble finishing things lately. I have a lot of unfinished poems, projects, meals...

I feel like part of me is slowly falling back into a depression. I've been getting the urge to cry a lot more lately for no particular reason and I've been letting my mind wander to particularly dark thoughts. I even had a panic attack a few weeks ago. I can't remember when, but it was one of the worst I've ever had.

I'm fighting it with all I have though. I'm working out as often as I can manage, which is almost daily. Sometimes I get too lazy and talk myself out of it, but there is still part of me always fighting for it because I know that it helps. The endorphins obviously help keep me from getting down.

The past few days have been tough though. I've been letting the darkness eat me up and prevent me from doing things to make it better. I just let myself fall into it for a while, but on the upside that time made me see some things differently. The perspective is good and bad at the same time, but overall it might help me.

On the brighter side, I've been making these little owls (pictured above, duh)--owlettes to be exact. They are the cutest things and I love making them. They're a good distraction and their adorableness is a good reminder to just smile sometimes. Smile dammit! It's good for you.

I hope they make you smile too.

Fighting a Losing Battle

I'm pretty sure I mentioned a challenge I would be facing. The whole, I-have-to-not-fall-in-love-with-my-friend-thing yea, well...

I'm not falling in love or anything, but I can't believe I'm letting myself like him so much. The dream from my last post really said a lot that seems to be ringing true. I haven't been close to anyone like this since my very first boyfriend who really messed me up relationship wise. I let him do a number on me when I was 16 and I am now just getting involved with this new guy.

I've dated of course in the past four years, but I have never once considered anyone worth a repeat visit until now. I just couldn't imagine going through bonding with someone so intimately if they might just go an rip my heart up when they were done with me. I know, it's ridiculously dramatic, but when your first love (whom you've known since you were six and is your closest friend in the world) ends up with your best friend and then impregnates her and you're only 16 and can barely cope with your already screwed up head, it tends to skew your views a bit.

This guy has gone and changed the rules on me. It's just not right. I've gone and started liking him and we get closer every time I see him. It doesn't help that I felt instantly comfortable with him since the first time I met him and have some weird trust in him that I cannot for the life of me explain. I don't trust guys too easily, but I just have this feeling that he would never do anything to hurt me intentionally. Anyway, we also have amazing chemistry and I can't keep my hands off him.

Everything fits and he's a great catch. I'm doomed to like this guy A LOT and I'm just going with the flow to see where this ends up. I might -gulp- end up with a boyfriend; which if you hadn't guessed by now, would be waaaay out of character for me.

That is all for now...I'll come back soon and hopefully I'll finally have some new poetry or something. My creativity burnt out on me and I haven't pushed it to start up again yet.

"I love you with sparks and shining dragons, I do"
<3

A month later...

It's a month since my grand re-opening and I still feel pretty damn good. I had a great holiday season with my family-words I never thought I would utter. It's funny how life can work out when it seems the odds are stacked against you.

I faced my family's pettiness with maturity they didn't realize I possessed and I won. I FUCKING WON! I got to put the "adults" in their place and teach them a lesson about love and what it means to truly be a family. For the first time in my life, I talked back with a vengeance. I can't believe it took me so long to do, but I did it and I feel amazing.

To top it all off, they actually heard me and have made changes that I could feel at Christmas. I was actually glad to be with my family and I enjoyed the entire day. I even got to drink in front of the adults without getting looks, I felt so rebellious. I had the warm fuzzies all day and I probably could have cried if anyone had mentioned anything remotely emotional because I was so happy.

Ahhhhh, the holidays. Of course, I'm probably remembering it with a bit more fondness than it requires, but I don't mind if my imagination takes it liberties here. It deserves to with the way most of our family gathering have been since my parents adopted kids. It's been like one long awkward silence for four years and we're finally breaking the ice, so I'm not complaining about anything right now.

I also spent New Years with my family this year by choice. Of course, there is a balance in life that must be kept, so as soon as my family life improved, something had to happen with my friends. It's not a big deal, but my best friend has a new boyfriend, so I've been distant with her. It's not them, it's me. I'm just not ready to share her and the one time I was with both of them I was sickened by their PDA. I'm not a PDA type of person and new couples are always gross in my book.

Anyway, they were planning on spending the New Year at Disneyland, which would usually jump at the chance to do. I'm just not a people person, and the thought of all the tourists jammed into the already packed theme park was just a turn off. Not to mention, I wasn't in the mood to watch them make out a midnight while I stand there awkwardly. If I can avoid an awkward situation, I will, so I've been avoiding her majorly. It's no one's fault, but I just can't seem to get her alone to talk about it.

New Year's Eve with the family was interesting. Drunk uncles remind me why I hate alcohol and to never let myself be that stupid because of a substance I put in my body. I choose things which will not destroy my body and will not make me behave like an asshole. I use things which make me a better/nicer person actually, unfortunately I was out of my choice substance so I had to endure these people killing my buzz. Either way though, it was a decent NYE and I felt better about it because my grandma didn't have to spend it alone or just with her obnoxious sons. (I love them, but give them a drink and they're obnoxious.)

So, I think you're caught up. Wait, my closest friend, who I see as a sister visited for her break from school and my sleepover at her house pretty much made my life complete. This is why I love her. Nothing is impossible if you have a friend who loves you enough to help you sort out your life, and of course I do the same for her. She helped me see that this guy I like, might just be something special if I give him a chance. It's an odd feeling to let go a little and see what happens, I'm so used to having control over my heart.

Give a little love and see what happens, it's good for you. I swear.

<3

Out of my rut!

Did I say I was depressed? Oh yea...I'm over it. I have amazing friends to thank for it.

It's time for change. That's the only way to get out of my funk and to make myself a better person. It's time and I'm doing it and I've already made some big changes.

I decided to face my fear of intimacy. Check! I have a wonderful friend who has given me the strength to not be such a chicken and let myself feel something for once. It's ab-so-fucking-lutely amazing! And I owe my eternal friendship for this. My mission now on this front is to not fall in love, I'm so not ready.

I have decided to stop bottling things up, that's what leads to anxiety and panic attacks. Check! As you would tell a child having a tantrum, "learn to use your words," well, I have. I've been talking to my friends and actually volunteering information rather than always listening. I love to listen and I'm great at it, but I need to learn how to communicate as well. If it's too tough to talk about, I usually don't, so I'm making myself talk about the tough stuff.

Oh and of course, I had to do something symbolic as well. So, I dyed my hair red and I love it. It's a nice change from being blonde-ish and I don't want to go back to my natural color. For now, I'm a redhead and it's awesome.

I guess I always knew an awakening would come and that's why I don't give up on myself. I'm stronger than I give myself credit for. I can do this. You can do this. We are beautiful, amazing creatures and don't you ever forget it!

I sound gross and peppy, I apologize. It'll wear off in a week or so, and then I'll be normal. I'm just so happy to be alive and that I have all my parts...and they function! Not to mention, I have wonderful friends who won't let me fall prey to my own pessimistic mind.

Things are looking up and it couldn't have come at a better time. I mean, it's fucking Christmas time!! It's the best time to come out of a depression to see the twinkling lights and feel that Christmas spirit.

I hope my joy is infectious and that you're feeling great as well.

I love you all more than you will ever know<3

Epiphany

I've realized something tonight. All it took was a quick trip down memory lane via my former blog on Xanga. Wow...It made me feel old and lame.

The last time I updated my Xanga was in 2005! It only had the lifespan of a couple of years, but it covered some very important events in my formative years. I was starting high school and separated from my best friend by a few states. I lost two best friends and a few others to baby-mama drama and had severe depression.

High school was so fun for me. Jesus, it's a wonder I'm still here at all. Anyway, I learned quite a bit from this stroll down memory lane. I am, like most humans, a creature that seeks to repeat patterns developed from childhood experiences. This can be a terrible thing.

Think about how many people enjoy spanking as adults...yea, it's a bit perverse.

Now, from reading the pathetic rantings of my 15-year-old self, I realize that I am back in the same rut I was in then. It's kind of disgusting to think about. I have just restarted my life by starting college over again. I moved back home and in doing so, separated myself from my best friend. The worst part is my depression has returned with a fierceness and it's causing me to not care about the friends I have.

It's so strange. The funny thing is that I'm sure most people could find these patterns in their life if they stepped back to look at themselves. How do we go on making the same mistakes?

This isn't even the second time I've gone through this cycle, it would be the third time. I did the same thing when I went to college the first time. It's going on and on and on...

How do we fix ourselves? How do we break the destructive patterns laid down by our childhoods? These are the questions I must face and I'm writing this because if I don't, it won't seem real. Sometimes when you realize something that important and deeply affecting, you want to try to write it off as having too much time to think. I know that I've done it, so I want to prevent that from happening this time.

Let's hope that I can really change and find my happiness. Let's wait and see.

Peace to you all <3

I'm still alive, I think

I'm here...don't worry, don't all go asking at once how am...It's ok, I'm fine. Really.

I'm having a moment of drama and this too shall pass.

I've been doing a lot lately. I've met some new people and tried new things. Holy shit...I went on dates. It's hard to believe that I've been so active and just out there, considering all my time spent in my self-contained purgatory. I've been living life and now...when I'm on the brink of happiness, I have a meltdown.

I'm just not built to cope with happy. I don't know what to do with it. As soon as I experience happiness, I find some way to kick some harsh reality into and give it the proper dilution it requires for my sensitive palette. Happiness is too rich for me. Apathy sits better in my stomach, you wouldn't happen to have any, would you?

So...let's get to the point. I'm sort of dating these two guys. It's like I've entered some sort of bizarro land where people find my cold, distancing techniques charming. I really don't understand what is going on here, especially considering that they're both out of my league in different ways.

One of them is too gorgeous for words. I mean, he's just so handsome, but it's subtle. You could pass him on the street and think, "What a good looking man," but if you gave him a second look you'd realize that he is, quite frankly, a stunner. The other is absolutely adorable. He's out of my league for his sparkling personality. He's caring and sweet, which is rare enough in a 20 year-old guy, but even better, is that he is so genuine. I can't imagine him ever being anything but the perfect guy.

I may be wrong, but it sounds pretty great so far. What is there to complain about?

Oh wait...I factor in, don't I? Well, that where it gets complicated, because that's what I do best. No matter how hard I try, nothing is ever simple, and that's all I want.

So...I met them at exactly the same time and feel for them equally and they seem to be on the same page. However, I can't continue to move forward at this pace with both of them or I'll end up with two boyfriends and a headache.

I haven't been with anyone since high school, by choice and due to lack of opportunity. I never put myself out there before because I couldn't stand the idea that no one would care. I thought...what if I try to get a boyfriend/girlfriend and no one is interested? It's a horrifying thought and I'm a chicken, so I never tried. Instead I developed crushes on emotionally unavailable people to prove to myself that I wasn't completely asexual and just to move things along.

Oh and by been with anyone, I mean have a "relationship," which I believe doesn't truly exist when your sixteen. Essentially, I have never been in a relationship. Oh god...no wonder I'm a virgin. Yea...the 20 year-old virgin, it does exist.

Ah focus! What was I saying? Right...so the meltdown part. I went on a date with the sparkling personality guy last night...let's call him, Sparky because it's fun and reminds me of a cute little cocker spaniel. Yea, this is how we dehumanize and remain at arms-length, but moving on. Sparky and I went to see Paranormal Activity with his friends, oh shit, I met the best friend. Did I pass the test? Damn, on a second date I met the best friend, oh god he really likes me. I really am just realizing this now. Fuck.

My mind has been all scattered. Can you tell?

So we see the movie and I'm freezing my ass off in the theater. I wanted to cuddle him and I knew he would have, but at the same time I was afraid of getting too close. I didn't want my body language to say things I wasn't ready to say yet or that I may not want to say. I'm like every guy that has even broken a nice girl's heart, I'm keeping my options open...I could cry.

So, in doing this...I gave myself a mild case of hypothermia because I left shivering and when I got home my temperature had barely climbed back up to 93 degrees F and according to my research I must have been below 90 degrees in the theater, which is really NOT GOOD.

All I needed was that physical push, along with my exhaustion (I had only slept 4 hours) and I had created the the perfect conditions for a panic attack.

Yes, my friends. I have full blown panic disorder and depression. Hooray! I keep both under control though with the use of, ahem, herbal cigarettes. Yes, I know you know exactly what I mean. I usually smoke every other night before bed and this method worked all summer through to two weeks ago when I ran out. In the last 4 months or so, I've had maybe two panic attacks, when I was having two a month before. It works for me.

I thought nothing of it when I ran out, but it seems like since then, it's been building. The tension was just getting ready to cause a big one. It was the worst panic attack I've had since the one I had when I moved to San Francisco. It lasted over an hour and when I could finally leave my room I had to go find out if anybody had some trees for me. Luckily, I found some and it put me right to sleep.

I just wish I didn't have to depend on anything or anyone for my happiness. But what can I do, I'm human and we depend on each other. It can be an extremely positive thing, but it can also take it's toll. I'm just tried of always finding some excuse to ruin a good thing. I'm tired of me.

I thought...what if I could just die? During my panic attack, I just kept thinking...what if I could just die? Don't worry though, I'm not suicidal. I've been down that road before and realized that no matter how little my happiness means, I can't take happiness away from others. And for some odd reason, there are people this earth that love me, and being human, depend on me. I'm just not the type of person that could leave people that love me alone to face the world.

I hate to be so honest. It's really not my style, but I've been thinking too much and internalizing too much. If I don't set it down somewhere, I'll just keep having attacks and eventually I might just spontaneously combust. It happens.

I'm running out of words...the thoughts are still circling, but they aren't ready to be fully realized and examined. For now, I'll let them stay in the shadow and prowl. They'll be back and I'll be here.

Goodbye loves and don't worry about me. I'm still here, I'm alive.

I feel you dying....

I've been trying to write all day. Actually, I've been trying to write since yesterday, but I can't seem to get my thoughts in order. My poems have been shit, so I just keep deleting them. (Which of course a terrible thing to do and I blame technology, but that's a tangent for another day.)

I'm just so emotionally raw. It's no fun. I've been walking around today just trying not to cry, so I ended up being pretty zombie-like all day except for those few moments when words would trigger an emotional reaction. For example, I'm listening to The Magic Numbers, an amazing band, and one of the lines in their song "Love's a Game" is :

"And maybe I'm a fool for walking in line
And maybe I should have tried to leave this time
I'm an honest mistake that you made"

And...I just started crying. It makes no sense. I love this song and I haven't listened to it in a long time, so it's impact perhaps was greater. I have no reason to connect to these words either, it's so odd. I'm not going through a breakup or anything, which is basically what the song is about. I just don't know.

Technically, I wasn't sad all day. I did spend a significant amount of time being pissed off at anything that would normally just slightly irritate me. I'm a mess of emotions. Anyway, when I'm angry, I like to clean.

And, I mean CLEAN. I've been cleaning for a few hours now. I've been putting off, so now was a good time for a spring cleaning. I'm cleansing myself in many ways. I think everyone should clean when they're angry. It's the best way to work out your anger. You get to scrub and slam and get out all that negative energy in a positive way. It prevents you from doing something stupid and gives you time to think while keeping your hands busy. I don't go to a therapist, I attack the mess in my closet. It's pretty nice.

I just really wish I could write something though. There is nothing more satisfying than pinning my emotions down on a piece of paper and being able to move on. I just want to move on.

The only words that keep repeating when I attempt a poem are: Have you ever felt a part of you dying? It's the only thing I have to work with. The only way to describe how I feel...A part of me is dying, and it has been for a while. This day has been coming and I'm just trying to get through it. I'll be back soon, and hopefully, I'll be new.

I like serial killers.

Romance
Tease me, toy with me
Let's play a game
I'll cut you open
It's instant fame

Don't worry baby
I'll take it slow
You can put up a fight
But I'm ready to go


It seems like I've been listening to She Wants Revenge and yet, I haven't heard them all weekend. I don't know where this came from. Sometimes love is violent I suppose, wait....not violent, extreme? Yes, extreme. Also, I think I've been having too many Dexter fantasies and watching Pulp Fiction and True Romance only exacerbates the problem. I can appreciate a good bloody scene and some Tarantino wordplay.

At least I have writing as a way to vent. I wonder what would happen if I had no outlet. Would I be a serial killer? What an interesting thought...Perhaps. I think I could have been a badass serial killer. I wonder what my name/specialty would be...I'm pretty sure it would involve an array of knives and I would take lots of pictures. I would be my own crime scene photographer. I like that plan. Well, if ever I decide to become a serial killer, I know what I'll be known for.

Okay, I'm done being creepy :]

Mirror

Mirror by Sylvia Plath

I am silver and exact.
I have no preconceptions. What ever you see I swallow immediately
Just as it is, unmisted by love or dislike.
I am not cruel, only truthful---
The eye of a little god, four-cornered.
Most of the time I meditate on the opposite wall.
It is pink, with speckles. I have looked at it so long
I think it is a part of my heart.
But it flickers.
Faces and darkness separate us over and over.

Now I am a lake.
A woman bends over me,
Searching my reaches for what she really is.
Then she turns to those liars, the candles or the moon.
I see her back, and reflect it faithfully.
She rewards me with tears and an agitation of hands.
I am important to her. She comes and goes.
Each morning it is her face that replaces the darkness.
In me she has drowned a young girl, and in me an old woman
Rises toward her day after day,
like a terrible fish.

I absolutely love this poem. I feel like Sylvia Plath and I would have gotten along. She would understand and we would listen to each other in our dark times. She knows what it's like to not trust yourself and feel like an outsider in your own skin. I would have fallen in love with her, if only because I thought I could fix her/make her happy. I would have done anything to make her smile, because I know she was just waiting for someone to care enough. Someone to come and take her pain away with a little love, with a little care. Sylvia and I would have survived only to keep each other from our own despair. Love borne out of need. Love is all we need. Why isn't there more love in this world? Everyone wants love, but it seems to be the one thing people lack. No one should go without love.

Hmm...another stream of consciousness piece. Sylvia Plath makes me a little depressed and yet, reminds me of beautiful things. Well, I'm done for now. I can't seem to stop pouring out my heart right now, good thing I decided to avoid phones and talking to people because I'm feeling much too truthful at the moment.

I hope you are all well and getting the love you deserve.
If not, remember that I love you. No matter what, I love you all.

<3
Laughing Boy

Sin palabras...

Sin palabras
No se como empesar
solo se que quiero hablar.
Nunca sucede de este manera
Siempre tengo que batallar

Pero ahora....
Ahora ni tengo palabras.

For those of you who do not speak Spanish, here's a crappy non-rhyming translation:

Without words
I don't know how to begin
I just know that I want to speak
It never happens this way
I always have to put up a fight

But today...
Today I don't even have words.

That's pretty much it. It sounds better in Spanish. Sorry, I'm too lazy to translate it with prettier language, but at least my translation is correct. I hate incorrect translations when I'm watching movies in Spanish with subtitles. It's really annoying.

But what was my point? Ah yes...I'm speechless. The world manages to show another side of it's ugliness to me and I wish I could turn the other cheek. However, there's no escaping reality and there's no way to make it any better now. It's the kind of thing that when you find out how absolutely disgusting the truth is, you want to try to deny it and go back to the lies that were once so comfortable to accept.

I'm writing gibberish. I would explain it to you, but it's too personal and so depressing/infuriating that I had a lump in my throat (out of anger) when I heard. Basically, my family is a huge disappointment and there's one person in particular to blame for it all. I miss the simple days when I sat at the kid table for family get-togethers and didn't have to know family secrets.

Sigh.

From the Graveyard

Untitled (poem-like non-poem)
I'm sitting in a graveyard of my very own. A graveyard of faces, no...not true faces, but masks. Each with it's own perfectly painted smile. Each slowly losing color, slowly sagging into the earth, slowly losing their realistic sheen. I'm surround by my own face, mass produced to fool the masses, who produce massively to avoid looking too closely at anything.

The title? It's absolutely correct. It's not a poem and I don't expect you to think it is. I was writing and this sort of slipped out. Stream of consciousness is always interesting. I think certain people bring out a certain type of anger/angst in me...also interesting. Luckily, I get to channel this negativity and get rid of it constructively, oh how I thank thee Lord for the gift of art. Now, back to drinking heavily in the middle of the night, with only a cigarette and my thoughts.

-The boy who laughs

Words, writing, thoughts

Untitled
What a pretty age
Glorious to exist
Let's put it up on stage
See what makes it twitch

All we have to do is live forever
Just give them what they want
Say something clever
And give them all you've got

Words words words....when you look at them long enough, they lose their meaning. They cease to be a means of communication and become meaningless lines on a page.

I've been staring at the words on a page in the book I'm reading and I seem to have lost my powers of comprehension. Where do they go when they get lost?

I write and write, and still I find no meaning. I write and write, and the words fail me. I write and write, and the only reason to continue writing is to keep the madness at bay, to watch my thoughts become records of this very moment. I'm not actually going mad, I'm just opening myself up to the thoughts that are overlooked. The thoughts that poke at you and exist in a place outside of normal. Thoughts that would cause others to look to you with concern, because we have all been taught to control these thoughts and prevent ourselves from thinking so. Thoughts that play in your periphery and form chains that would carry you to far off places. I write to allow these thoughts some time in the sun, time to be free of restraints. I write to remember these thoughts before they run off to join thoughts far away, far from here.

I decided, no I never decided...I surrendered to my thoughts and this is what comes of surrender. It may not make any sense, but what is the use of sense.

Yours as always,

Laughing Boy

Some of my favorite quotes...

I've lost my patience for the internet and for all these websites that are meant to connect us. I decided to rely less on technology and more on real-life experiences because I'm only missing out on bigger and better things. If I want to detach from reality, I can pick up a book or watch a movie. So, I deleted my myspace page, but I wanted to save some things I collected there. I am a collector of words. I love quotes, and I love to feel the connection to people in the past who have felt things I have felt, and thought about things the way I have thought about things. I makes me feel as though I'm not quite so alone and perhaps I'm not as crazy as I think I am. Here is what I saved:

"It is better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees."
-Emiliano Zapata

"Think for yourself and question authority."
-Timothy Leary

"She was a manic depressive named laughing boy."
-Modest Mouse

"Some people feel like they don't deserve love. They walk away quietly into empty spaces, trying to close the gaps of the past."
-Christopher McCandless

"I speak for the trees, for the trees have no tongues."
-Dr. Seuss

"Mefiez-vous des apparences, Ca n'a aucun sens."
-"Burger Queen" by Placebo

"Do not let dreams die, for without them, life is like a broken-winged bird that cannot fly."
-Langston Hughes

"And there never was an apple, in Adam's opinion, that wasn't worth the trouble you got into for eating it."
-Neil Gaiman

"But I don't want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin."
-John/Savage

"Without access to true chaos, we'll never have true peace. Unless everything can get worse, it won't get any better."
-Palahniuk

"What would Marilyn Monroe be doing if she were alive right now? Clawing at the lid of her coffin."
-Palahniuk

"There is a pleasure in the pathless woods,
There is rapture on the lonely shore,
There is society where no one intudes,
By the deep sea and the music in its roar;
I love not man the less, but Nature more."
-Lord Byron

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars and in the middle you see the blue centerlight pop and everybody goes "Awww!”
-Jack Kerouac

"You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore..."
- Neil Gaiman

And just for fun:
"I don't want you to be the guy in the PG-13 movie everyone's *really* hoping makes it happen. I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy you're not sure whether or not you like yet. You're not sure where he's coming from. Okay? You're a bad man. You're a bad man, Mikey. You're a bad man, bad man."
-Trent, Swingers

That is all for this installment of the randomness that is me.