I don't care that I care

I have this poster of a band
I never saw and never heard
I cut out all the information
And put it on display

They may have been good
Or probably bad
But the picture is pretty anyway

There's no excuse for growing up
And losing touch, like we all do
It's a condition no one fights
We just go on to what's new

I had this cat I found
I never loved and never named
She died after three days
And I buried her in the tiniest grave

I didn't feel the sting
I meant nothing to her
And she meant nothing...to me

There's no excuse for growing upAnd losing touch, like we all do
It's a condition no one fights
We just go on to what's new

I'm spending too much time alone
Save me from my empty home

There was this girl once
She pretended to love me
I pretended right back
And it didn't last

I was one of many
And when it was over
I looked back
And it all seemed kind of funny

There's no excuse for growing up
And losing touch, like we all do
It's a condition no one fights
We just go on to what's new

I'm spending too much time alone
Save me from the metronome

Monsters

Monsters under the bed
Speak, breathe
In the darkness
They seethe

Feed them all the children
Chomp, gnash
With claws
They lash

Escape them if you can
Run, hide
Across the distance
They ride

Monsters lie in wait
Sneak, creep
Into dreams
They seep

Rain, rain don't go away

Rain

It's finally raining
Like the night that we met
All I can do is listen to Brand New
And think of the old times with you

I've been waiting so long
To feel that chill on my skin
As the sky lets loose on me
But I forgot how to let it in

I just need to feel clean again
As the water flows over my veins
Where they carry messages to my brain
And I'll never feel uncertain

And I'm certain
The messages were all the same
This dirty body wants to meet yours
Exactly as it did before
When everything felt so pure

The rain just sounds so different tonight
It's not the same as the first time
No it's heavy, instead of light

I've been waiting so long
To feel that chill on my skin
As the sky lets loose on me
But I forgot how to let it in


I just need to feel clean again
As the water flows over my veins
Where they carry messages to my brain
And I'll never feel uncertain

And I'm certain
That everything will turn out fine
Keep feeding that same old line
That everything will turn out fine

"I'm celibate"; "Oh, so you're a tease?"

I've made a decision today, a decision that has made me profoundly happier and seems to be the change that I felt coming. I have decided to be celibate.

I mean I have been for a while now anyhow, but without making the conscious decision to remain so. I always figured that I may give in if the occasion called for it, but in the meantime I didn't care if I didn't have sex. However, it was all an excuse, an excuse to avoid making a decision and taking charge of my own life. I always do this, I go with the flow which can be quite rewarding and exciting, but it also takes away some of your power. I'm taking my power back and this is the first step.

I am not going to engage in physical activities for a while. I haven't decided on a period of time or anything, I think I'll know when I'm ready. I was letting the flow take me and prevent me from moving forward. I was complacent to remain in my pseudo-relationship and allow that to keep me from experiencing other things. I won't do that anymore and I won't just jump into the same situation, because it just won't be an option. If people don't want to be my friend and leave the bullshit behind, well then that's too bad for them.

I need to focus on moving forward and doing something productive with myself. If I don't have the distraction of sex and guys, well I'll focus that much more. I know this won't be easy, but anything worth fighting for is never easy. So, I'm prepared to hear how much of a "tease" I am from now on, because I'm not changing anything else. I will still dress how I damn well please and flirt if I want to; I plan on being the same insane person, who finds sexual innuendo in every sentence, I have always been, so I'm sure some people will have a problem with it. Oh well, life isn't fair, suck it!

On a related note, that stupid guy doesn't understand that I don't like him anymore. I guess I'll just have to tell him I'm celibate now and hope that keeps him away. He inspires me to keep this song on repeat:



<3
Laughing Boy

PS. I totally forgot to do Thankful Thursday and Top 10 Tuesday. Shit, well the first week of October, I'll pick it back up since it's too late.

I want to be someone else or I'll explode

So tonight, I'm listening to Radiohead, which is my gateway drug to Modest Mouse, etc. You may think, "So what?" But, if you knew me, you would be worried. I'm a little worried.

It's not the bands' fault, they're just a sign. When I listen to them, it means that something is going on, a profound change in me. I will wake up as someone new. And that is a wonderful, beautiful, terrifying thing. Change is bittersweet and I am terrible with feelings simply because I feel too much. It's gonna be a long night.

I guess, it all comes down to being afraid. Afraid of facing myself and really looking at the mess I am. I've made a lot of progress and yet I'm still miles from where I want to be mentally, physically, and the whopper of all, emotionally.

I feel lonely and I dream of finding the person that will fill that gap and make me whole. But in reality I'm that person. I am the only person that can make me happy, but why can't I let myself do it? See? This is what I mean, I know the problems, I just don't understand how to fix them. The other thing is, I feel alone, yet there is no one I can think of being with, no one that inspires me to reach out of my isolation. I've always been a hermit, this is me. I never make that first contact with my friends, they call me and sometimes, I don't even respond. Why am I so happy to be left alone, yet left with some yearning for contact with the outside world?

I should just build my shack in the woods and accept it, I am a recluse destined to raise many cats.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

Laughing Boy

Mark said

Mark said he loves me
And I believed him
I said I love you too
Guess I deceived him

Mark is a nice guy
Oh yea, he's great
My problem is you're,
The one I love to hate

I walked home this morning
Found Mark in bed
He looked so peaceful
But I pictured you in instead

Oh no...

Mark is a nice guy
Oh yea, he's great
I thought I loved him
But it wasn't fate

And now I dream of you
Can't get you off my mind
Too bad you don't know
That you're just my kind

I wonder,
If you knew,
Is it possible,
You could love me too?

Mark said he loves me
And I believed him
I said I love you too
Guess I deceived him...


Pop/Ambient Surf song now? In my head, it sounds like Best Coast or The Like. I don't know, none of the stuff that pops in my head lately sounds like a poem, it all sounds like songs. Maybe it's a sign that I need to start a band. But I got to have an all girl ensemble with some badass chicks...too bad I play no instrument at all :/

Blahblahblah

Laughing Boy

"I think I can"

I don't want to be your pillow
Something you lay upon at night
I have to feel some emotion
Something to make it worth a fight

You're just a boy
Pretending to be my man
And I'm a woman
Who needs more than "I think I can"

I don't want to be your pillow
Something you lay upon at night
I want a new adventure
Full of love, and full of light

Oh yea, it feels good in your arms
You make it feel like you care
But I know you better than that baby
So let's play this game fair

You're just a boy
Pretending to be my man
And I'm a woman
Who needs more than "I think I can"


I feel like I'm writing country music songs all the sudden. I still fucking love it.
laughing boy says smile :]