Monday, November 23, 2009


I've realized something tonight. All it took was a quick trip down memory lane via my former blog on Xanga. Wow...It made me feel old and lame.

The last time I updated my Xanga was in 2005! It only had the lifespan of a couple of years, but it covered some very important events in my formative years. I was starting high school and separated from my best friend by a few states. I lost two best friends and a few others to baby-mama drama and had severe depression.

High school was so fun for me. Jesus, it's a wonder I'm still here at all. Anyway, I learned quite a bit from this stroll down memory lane. I am, like most humans, a creature that seeks to repeat patterns developed from childhood experiences. This can be a terrible thing.

Think about how many people enjoy spanking as adults...yea, it's a bit perverse.

Now, from reading the pathetic rantings of my 15-year-old self, I realize that I am back in the same rut I was in then. It's kind of disgusting to think about. I have just restarted my life by starting college over again. I moved back home and in doing so, separated myself from my best friend. The worst part is my depression has returned with a fierceness and it's causing me to not care about the friends I have.

It's so strange. The funny thing is that I'm sure most people could find these patterns in their life if they stepped back to look at themselves. How do we go on making the same mistakes?

This isn't even the second time I've gone through this cycle, it would be the third time. I did the same thing when I went to college the first time. It's going on and on and on...

How do we fix ourselves? How do we break the destructive patterns laid down by our childhoods? These are the questions I must face and I'm writing this because if I don't, it won't seem real. Sometimes when you realize something that important and deeply affecting, you want to try to write it off as having too much time to think. I know that I've done it, so I want to prevent that from happening this time.

Let's hope that I can really change and find my happiness. Let's wait and see.

Peace to you all <3

Sunday, November 1, 2009

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

The saving grace of my Halloween was this man.

I have a problem with Halloween. It used to be one of my favorite holidays to celebrate...I mean who doesn't love candy and dressing up? Weirdos, that's who.

However, at some point in your life, the innocence of Halloween is lost. It's not about being scary and creative anymore. Girls just use it as an excuse to be bigger whores than they are on a normal weeknight at a club. Because as we all know, bumblebees wear tiny dresses and have the best cleavage. Guys then get to sit back and enjoy.

Plus, there is a certain obsession with getting "fucked up" that I just cannot understand. If you build up your expectations for this one night to such a fervor, why would you then wish to drink yourself to the point of blackout? Don't you want to remember this night that you've been anticipating for so long?

I've lost all hope in my generation.

Then, there's the trick or treating. I'm pretty sure when I was around 10, we left the house to trick or treat around 7pm and didn't come home until 11pm. Even better, we got real candy bars. I feel like a wanna-be old lady talking about it this way, but things have changed so drastically in 10 years. People just don't have that spirit anymore.

I rant because this is quite possibly one the worst Halloweens I've spent. It was terrible for, oh so many reasons and I'm just over everything right now.

It also made me realize how badly I need to get out of this place. People are terrible and I miss San Francisco. It just never appealed more than now, when I realized that the rest of this damn state is full of assholes. I'm done bitching now and I apologize for my lapse in good humor lately.

"Let's just make this part go faster."

Love love love<3